Tired

We are so tired. We're always doing something, running around. We have been out every night this week, but last night I couldn't even remember what we did on Monday (I now remember that it was yoga). Yoga, condo board meeting, birthday dinner with friends. Tonight we were invited to dinner with the LGBT group in our church, but we're turning them down because we are tired. This is why we had our home-bound vacation this weekend, to stay home and do absolutely nothing. But then we started the week back with a vengence.

Today the alarm went off at 6:30, we reset it to 7am, then at 7am we just went back to sleep. Our poor dog really needed to go to the bathroom, but we were too tired to care. But then I remembered that I have a 9:30 meeting at work, and that finally got us out of bed.

We keep trying to figure out what we do that we could cut. But the things we do are important. Yoga's good for our health. We could skip the condo board meetings, but then what if only the crazy contingent shows up, and starts running the place? We can't miss friends' birthdays, and besides, those kinds of things are things we need to help destress.

So how do we add a baby to this mess? What can we remove from our hectic schedules to make room for baby? How can we find the energy required to take care of a baby?

Vacation

We decided to spend this weekend in. We didn't go anywhere and we didn't answer the phones. We do this sometimes and call it a vacation in our home. It was a needed break from the normal hecticness that usually defines our lives. We only ventured out once on Saturday, to spend a DSW gift card and to go to Whole Foods to taste test. We picked a good day since they were displaying their super bowl spread. We ate guacomole, spinach dip, hummus & pita, a veggie platter, cake, root beer, chips, cheese... I ate so much guacomole! They should have kicked me out of the store.

As part of our vacation, we slept on the futon in the study. We do this when we want to let our dog sleep with us, since there is no way we'd ever let her in our bed. Also, it's fun because the TV is in there, so we can stay up late watching Dave or SNL or some movie. So it's fun, and it's different, and it's like a vacation.

When we went back to our bedroom last night, I saw my temperature chart on the night stand. I didn't record my temperature our 2 day vacation. It's my first month of monitoring and I've already botched it.

Juno

A few weeks ago we saw the movie Juno. Great movie, as everyone else has already said. I love Michael Cera. Afterwards, one of the friends we saw it with asked if movies about pregnancy seemed different now that I want to get pregnant. I said that no, teenage pregnancy had nothing to do with my life, so I didn't feel much. At least not now. Maybe that would be different if I was actually pregnant.

However, I do find myself gravitating to movies about pregnancy now more than I used to. Like Netflix recommended to me The Business of Being Born, crazily because I said that I liked the movie Cry Baby. That was a great movie. The scenes where Ricki Lake drank Johnny Depp's tears and where she licks the glass that separates them in prison stuck themselves forever in my 12-year-old mind. But somehow I think the audience for Cry Baby and The Business of Being Born are different. Maybe not. Maybe we've grown up and so has Ricki Lake. Anyway, I don't think this would have interested me previously, but now it's near the top of my queue. I also added some movies that I saw in friends' queues - Making Grace and Casa de los Babys. And if something else comes along, I'll probably add that too.

It's like when we were planning our wedding. I started watching all of those cheesy wedding planning shows on the Style network, and tearing up sometimes. Thank god for Logo and that short lived wedding show with Scott Thompson (my favorite Kid in the Hall), and for Bravo and the Gay Weddings series. After our wedding, those Style network shows had little appeal. But you get caught up. At least I do. K never found those shows interesting. I'm sure if we had cable now, I'd be watching Baby Stories on Discovery Health. I tried watching Notes from the Underbelly the other night. That show is horrible. That's what the insult "Television writing" means.

Moles

Moles. I'm covered in them. I just went to the dermatologist because some of them were itching and raised. He took pictures and I will go back in six months. I've been monitoring my moles since I was a kid. They are large and dark and all over my body, in places I won't even mention. It's because I'm white. Like super, glow-in-the-dark white. I grew up in FL and multiple members of my mom's family, including my mom, have had skin cancer spots removed.

K grew up in FL too, but she is brown. I remember when she got her first sunburn at age 23. She was like "Why is my skin red and flaky? And it hurts." Um, that's a sunburn, and I've gotten a million of them over the years. Oh, to be brown.

As I was naked and being examined and photographed by the doctor today, I thought, our kids will be brown. They won't have to do this. And that makes me happy.

Acronyms

I've been reading blogs from people trying to conceive and trying to figure out what all the acronyms mean. I've figure some out, and I'm going to put them here so I remember, though I don't really see myself using these.

TTC - Trying to conceive
TWW - Two week wait
BFP - Big fat positive
BFN - Big fat negative
AF - Aunt Flo
OPK - Ovulation predictor kit
CD1, CD2, ... - Cycle Day 1, Cycle Day 2, ...
RE - Reproductive endocrinologist

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

When I first heard about that movie, I wrote it off as a stupid Adam Sandler movie mocking gay men. But this weekend my dad said that's the movie they have waiting for them at home from Netflix. Interesting that they can still laugh at gay people and be mad at me at the same time. Doesn't it hurt to laugh? I don't understand. Anyway, I wonder what message they will get from this film. I know that it is about domestic partnership and attempts social commentary about same-sex marriage. Maybe this crude, offensive humor is the only way to get the message off to people like my dad. Or maybe not, and it really is just crude and offensive.

I know my dad's politics are shifting liberal. He has made lots of comments about Bush and the war and economy and said that things were better when Clinton was president. My mom always looks angry, like she'd like to defend Bush but she's just a woman who doesn't like conflict so all she can do is scowl. But really, it doesn't matter because they don't vote, they just complain.

Playboy

K and I changed our names when we got married. At the time, we googled our new names and didn't find anyone with them. However, K googled my name recently and found that there is a playboy model with my name. Then, last week, I got mail from Switzerland. It was four pictures torn from a magazine of the 23 year old model with my name. There was a letter from a man saying that he collected autographs of playboy models, and he provided a return envelope for me to send the signed pictures back to him.

At first, I laughed. I said we should frame them and put them up in our home. But K was upset. She didn't want me to be confused with a playboy model. I think she's upset that pervs are going to be coming after us now. I'm sure it will be okay, but I will worry if someone else contacts me.

K's always afraid of some one hurting me. I think she thinks she can defend herself, but worries about me. She's so protective of our family - me and our dog. She's totally going to be one of those overprotective moms. It's cute, and I love it.

Same-sex Unions in MD

A new survey finds that the majority of Marylanders support marraige or civil unions for same-sex couples, according to an article in the Baltimore Sun. Yay for Maryland - let's make this happen before we expand our family.

Family continued

My family did come after all, wearing their shoes, of course. It was a fine visit, hopefully adding more to the 'they're not so bad after all' thinking in their mind. They even talked about the next time they come, though I'm sure that won't be anytime soon.

For Christmas they got us what we asked for - a closet organization system for the baby room. And then they came and installed it this weekend. So at least we got something usefull out of them. And the closet is so nice now! I can't wait to go in there and put things away.

Now all we need to buy before we have kids is a new car, a new TV, a desk, and a bigger bed with a platform with drawers. Oh, that's all?

Elle and The Fertility Diet

I just got around to reading the December issue of Elle magazine last night and read the strangest article. It was a book review of the book The Fertility Diet. The author said that while the diet is harmless enough and pretty typical (reduce sugar, caffeine, & alcohol intake, less meat, more plants and fish, whole grains, exercise, etc), she believes its a waste of time. She said that when she and her husband didn't get pregnant after the first month, she went to get blood work done and to a fertility clinic to see what was wrong, and the doctor said 'Why waste your time? Let's just do IVF'. And it worked on the first try. She is under 35 and healthy. So she asks why waste your time eating tofu when you could be using IVF to get pregnant, because precious time is ticking away. She is basically telling perfectly healthy women to use a very expensive and unnecessary medical procedure when they could probably get pregnant naturally. It's so strange.

Family

My family is totally fucked up. My parents are small town and so white and Baptist and conservative and hunters/fishers and scared, so scared. We are big city, interracial, Unitarian Universalists with eastern religious influences, a same-sex couple, vegetarian - so everything that they are afraid of. We push them so far out of their comfort zone, and as they get older, all they want is to be comfortable.

They've came to visit us only once since college. When we bought our home almost a year ago, I put them on the spot and said "When will you come to see my new home?" They finally agreed to come this coming weekend. They've bought the plane tickets and arranged to leave work and everything. I was talking to my mom on Sunday to finalize the details and mentioned to her that we don't wear shoes in our home because of Indian tradition. She said okay and seemed fine. Then on Monday I got this email:



We have a problem with our visit. I talked to Dad about our conversation last night.
He doesn't like your no shoes rule. He doesn't want to worship Indian cultures.
You either have to accept us as us or not. We're not veggatarians, we're not Indian etc.
We are what we are, and always will be, and we like it. We are you parents and you invited us to visit, knowing what we are. If you're ok with this and you want us to visit, wonderful, nothing else said, if not, call Dad's cell phone and let him know what you want him to do.
Mom



Crazy, right? This is obviously about so much more than shoes. It's like shoes are the only thing they can fight back about.

I keep thinking things will be better between us when we have children, because my parents love babies. But I don't know. How will they handle their little brown grandchild?

Babies are scary!

My friend A keeps her emails forever, and just sent me this email that I wrote in 2004 after visiting my sister's 9 week old baby. I still think this stuff is true, actually.


> Actually, I am kind of scared. They're easily broken, and they just
> lay there limply, and if you don't hold them right, there head just
> falls backwards. Then when I was feeding R, he wouldn't eat, so I
> tried to burp him and he wouldn't burp, then he started crying. So I
> gave him to my mom. But they are cute, and they smell nice, and least
> until they go to the bathroom. Why does it come out green when it
> goes in white? As you can tell, I haven't spent that much time with
> babies. Should be interesting when we decide to have our own.

Sex

Sex. The books say you should have it three times a week to increase your fertility. Sadly, we don't. We used to. Then we got a dog in May, a very needy dog who wants to be in the middle of everything we do. When we start to act sexy and ignore her, she starts to wimper. She looks at us with puppy dog eyes, and we feel sad. She puts her paws on the bed, watches us with despair, and wimpers. And it just feels weird. Then, if some body part gets too close to the edge of the bed, she licks it, which is just gross and disturbing, and makes you feel unsexy. This puts a big damper on our sex life. But we've been trying to figure out how to get past these problems, because, well, we like sex. Increasing my fertility is just an added benefit. If we can't have sex now, with only a dog, what will we do when we have children?

Fertility Clinic

We had our appointment at Columbia Fertility today. We chose them because of their Bethesda location, but it's still a pain to get to since they are not located near a metro. Basically K takes the metro from DC and I drive down and pick her up, then we drive 3 miles away to the clinic. It takes each of us about 45 min. each way, maybe a little longer for K, which is fine as long as we don't have to do this too many times in the middle of work like we did today.

We liked the clinic well enough. We're happy to have a female doctor. I used to have a male primary doctor, and the gyno exam was not very fun with his big male hands inside of me. I prefer nice petite women with slender fingers, thank you. I also feel that female doctors are friendlier and more willing to answer your questions.

Our doctor is Pakistani, and seemed pleased to find that K is Indian. K always gets that when she meets other Indians, they are happy to see her and say hello as if they are friends. I guess K has had this her whole life, but it took me some getting used to. We did not tell her that K's mom thinks she is Pakistani.

She said that she would expect that we would get pregnant in 6-8 cycles since I don't indicate any problems with fertility. That doesn't sound too bad if she's right. We asked a lot of questions, but after we left we realized we forgot to ask how it works. Oops.

She said that she expects the process to be relatively cheap since there aren't any fertility problems, which we appreciate. We've got a lot of money saved for this, but we'd like to spend that money on other things we need before the kid comes, including a bigger car with four doors and a bigger bed.

She suggested we inseminate using IUI (Intra-uteral insemination) at the clinic twice each cycle to increase the chances of conception. We were considering one IUI and one ICI (intra-cervical insemination) at home since it's more romantic and because K wants to be the one to knock me up, as she likes to say. But I like the idea of getting pregnant quickly, so we'll have to think about it.

So much to think about, but at least we liked the doctor.

Adopting

We're faced with two options. Go through all of this to try to get pregnant on our own, or adopt. K and I talked about it last night, and we just feel adoption is not an option. We'd love to adopt a baby from India or Guyana, but most countries have laws against same-sex couples adopting babies. So we'd have to go back in the closet and hide our relationship. After all of these years, I don't even know how we'd do that. How do you hide that your life is completely entangled with someone elses? Also, we heard that judges are starting to deny second parent adoptions for these couples that lied to the international agencies.

We talked to a couple who adopted from India. They were assigned a baby when she was 3 months old, and when we spoke to them, the baby was over two and still living in an orphanage in India. They were approved for the adoption, but the Indian government kept dragging their feet. I can't imagine the torture of knowing your baby is out there but you can't have her.

There's always domestic adoption, but we've always heard that while adoption agencies say they are willing to allow same-sex couples to adopt, they secretly have a preference for hetero couples. So we would be a last resort. I don't want to be treated like that. That's why we left the south. We try to avoid situations where we aren't respected because it just doesn't feel good. I don't have the strength to put up with that kind of rejection, of being told our family is okay, but not as good as this nice family over here with a mom and a dad.

So we feel like this is our only option. And it's okay because we like it this way. I want to be pregnant, and K wants me to be pregnant. So let's just hope it works.

Are we ready?

Last night I asked K if her biological clock was ticking. She said no, was mine? I said that I don't believe in biological clocks. Though I don't know what people feel when they say their clocks are ticking, I think it's a social construct. So then the question is, are we ready? I said yes, I am ready. I feel like we are in a holding zone now. We've done everything we've wanted to do, so now it's time for the next step. There are always more things to do. We'd love to travel more, for example. But there's always going to be more things to do, so you have to pick a time. I'm as ready as I'll ever be, I think.

K said she's not necessarily ready, but feels time ticking away. She'd like to focus on other things right now, like getting a new job. But she feels like she'll always want a new job, because she's always changing. So we can't wait for her to feel settled because she probably won't, ever. So she's probably as ready as she'll ever be. She knows she wants kids and doesn't want to wait until it's too late to do anything about it.

I don't know if anybody ever really has that - this is it! - moment, or if you just decide, yeah, it's probably time. We both definitely want kids, and this is a good time to have them, and we are excited about having a little baby of our own. So yeah, we're ready.

Thankful to be a woman

It's hard to get pregnant if you are two women. We need the sperm, and usually getting pregnant requires some medical intervention. I've heard of women who spend thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant. But with all of that, I'd still say we have it easy.

I have a friend who is a single male. He wants to be a father. His only options are surrogacy or adoption. He's been told by many people that he won't be able to adopt. A single man on his own will be seen as having impure thoughts about children. So he feels that surrogacy is his only option. This costs around $70-120K by the time you buy the egg, hire the surrogate, pay the lawyers. And it's much more risky legally, and illegal in some states.

So we women are lucky. All we need is the sperm. Men need the womb, which is much harder to get. Count your many blessings, as I used to sing as a little girl in church.

Insurance

I changed insurance this year, and starting January 1 the new insurance went into affect. It's now Jan. 10, but I don't have an insurance card yet. I started the year wanting to make a lot of doctors appointments and use my new insurance - the fertility clinic, the physical and blood work at the primary doctor, a dentist appointment, get a dermatologist to look at my moles. I don't have the card yet. I called last week and asked where my card is, and they said, of course it's on it's way. But I still don't have it.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with the fertility clinic. I don't expect this process to be covered by my insurance, but it would be nice to try. I heard from a friend who was a single mom by choice that her insurance didn't cover fertility unless you are a married couple who has been trying to get pregnant for five years. We don't meet that criteria, so we plan to pay for this on our own. On the clinics website it says they will do the work of dealing with my insurance for me. Maybe they know how to get around the system. Otherwise, there goes the saving account...

I'm lucky enough that my job provides four insurance options depending on what your willing to pay. Until now, I've not been willing to pay anything, so I've had the free HMO, which everyone says is for healthy people only. In fact, I've heard some horror stories about people at work that had this HMO when they gave birth. These may be total fabrications on their part*, but I changed insurance this year anyway. So now I have a POS for which I pay $80 a month. That's a lot of money. I guess that's our first expense for the baby making, but we won't even count this one. Tomorrow's fertility consultation definitely counts.

*Total fabrication on your part - Andy Kaufman. Look him up! K and I say this all of the time because we think we are funny.

Why a blog?

I feel like I have so much to say. I feel different, and I feel like it should be evident that I'm different. We are doing this huge, big thing. Can't you tell just by looking at me? But people can't tell, and I'm not supposed to tell too many people. I can say that we are trying, or soon we'll be trying, but not go into too much detail. Because what if I don't get pregnant? What if it takes more than a year? Do I really want people asking me about it all of the time? So who do I talk to? I certainly have people to talk to. My partner, of course. And some friends. But I've got a lot to say, and it's on my mind all of the time, and we don't even start doing this for real until June. So I need somewhere to process my thoughts, to keep track of them so that I don't lose them. To get them out of me so that they stop running around my head. And I could do that with a personal journal, but this way, if people want to know, they can know what I'm thinking. The few friends I choose to share this with can check in as often as they want, or not at all. But at least it's off my mind.

Normalcy

Last night I spoke to our good friend A. She said that her mom was asking when we were going to have children. It's so nice when people think of us as a normal couple, with the same expectations they would have of an opposite-sex couple.

Reactions

We've been trying to tell everyone now that we are trying so that they can get over the shock and be ready with the congratulations when we finally say we're pregnant. This was a big goal over the holidays with the families. We've been saying to our parents for years "when we have kids..." just to get them used to the idea, but now we told them we are actually trying.

My parents have the reaction they always have when I bring up kids. They just get silent and stop talking. They'll get used to it when there is an actual baby involved, I'm sure. I mentioned it to my sister in an email once and she never responded, but I think she's too wrapped up in her own life to even care.

I told some close family friends, essentially my aunt and uncle that we did everything with when I was a kid. The husband paused, and said "Really?". Then he thought for a moment and said, "Yeah, you can't really go through life without having kids, can you?" then tried to convince us to name our son after him. I'll call this one a good reaction.

I told my aunt in a letter. She didn't say anything about it, but for Christmas she handmade us two stuffed animals.

I told my partner's mom. My partner is an only child and her mom really wants grandkids, so she's always been very excited. She told me that we should get Pakistani sperm. I said, "But K's Indian, so we should get Indian sperm." She said, matter-of-fact, "No, K's Pakistani, just look at her features." And I said, "How can K be Pakistani if you are Indian?" And she said "I'm Indian, yes, but I think her grandfather on her father's side must have been Pakistani. How else would K look so Pakistani?" And I thought, why did I do this while K is in the shower? I always forget how crazy that woman is, but at least she's supportive.

We told K's aunt and young cousins. The aunt is always supportive. She is a nurse, so she said "I know this is rude to ask, but I have to know how you plan to do it." At least she knew it was rude to ask. Most people don't.

We also sent Christmas cards to our state legislators with pictures of our family, saying that 2008 is a year of hope, where we hope to expand our family and we hope for the passage of the Marriage Protection and Religious Freedom Act before our baby is born. We received a response from only one, Jamie Raskin, who mentioned that his kids are of babysitting age if we need it. And that, along with many other reasons, is why that man will have my vote forever, for whatever he runs for.

So now everyone knows. They can sit with that information and get used to it. No one can say we didn't warn them.

Lawyers

I called Michele Zavos today, the DC area's premiere lawyer for same-sex families. We wanted an appointment in March because we are busy now. The assistant was like "March? We have many appointments available sooner." After calling doctors all week, I just assumed we wouldn't be able to make an appointment for weeks. I was wrong, again. I've learned that lawyers and fertility clinics are different from doctors. They actually want your business and make room for you in their schedules, even super-important and busy lawyers like Michele Zavos. Oh well. I still made the appointment for March.

We actually have a lot of legal papers that were written up years ago by another lawyer that specializes in alternative family law, but they were done before we changed our names, before we bought a home, and before babies were a possibility, so they need to be redone. Our lawyer was fine, but not special. And we felt she didn't take us seriously since we were very young then. We need to get our paperwork redone, and we thought, why not go for the best this time?

I'm Vain. So what?

I read that hair dyes and bleaches are toxic and can inhibit fertility. I have been highlighting my hair for years to hide the greys that came way too early on my head. This sucks! I will grow old before my time if I have to stop highlighting my hair. So I decided that I will call today for a highlight ASAP. It's an emergency. Then I will squeeze in one more appointment in May before we start inseminating in June. Then, three months later, people will start to see me as I really am.

Yoga

Tonight we go to yoga. We used to go to yoga regularly for about six months, maybe a year and a half ago. We always said we'd come back, but our teacher has long since stopped asking us when. We told her that this year we were going to get back on track, a new years resolution. She told us about the special New Years Eve yoga class she was teaching last Monday and we promised we'd be there. But then I got a vicious cold which I only recently recovered from, so we went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks instead (which was really good, by the way). I'm sure she'll be very surprised when she sees us tonight.

The yoga is a part of a new commitment to getting healthy. We need to exercise more, and in particular, I need to exercise more. It increases fertility. Also, yoga is very helpful during labor, making the contractions less painful, so it's good to practice now before I actually get pregnant. I actually enjoy yoga. Maybe because it's a low key work out and I'm kind of lazy. But I'm not very good at meditating. At the end of the class, we all lie on the floor for guided meditation and I end up thinking of all of the things I'd rather do. My partner gets so relaxed she falls asleep and starts snoring, but I can't wait for that part to end, so that we can go home. But the books say that people who meditate get pregnant faster, so that's something else I need to work on. That really puts some stress onto my relaxing meditation, doesn't it?

Period

I got my period today, over a week early. Now is not the time to start having irregular cycles. I guess it's because I've been fixated on my reproductive cycle for the past week. Well, at least now I have something to put on the forms for Columbia Fertility, which ask when my last period was. I never bothered keeping track before, but now it seems to be all I think about.

Now the real fun begins. I get to start tracking my fertility. Every morning when I wake up, before I get out of bed, I will take my temperature, and chart it on a graph. Then I pay attention to my discharge to try to track when it is fertile mucus, which I should start to get more of now that I'm not taking decongestant. And I will chart the mucus on the graph. And somehow this information is supposed to tell me when I'm ovulating. I'm still skeptical, but I guess this works for people.

I already miss the blissful days before I knew anything about ovulation and fertility. I used to say I was thankful to be in a same-sex relationship because we never had to worry about an accidental pregnancy. But there is something really nice about just having sex and getting pregnant without studying the charts first. I'm still thankful for my same-sex relationship, but I'm also ready for the accidental pregnancy.

Sacrifices already?

In the Guide to Lesbian Conception I read that decongestant is a very bad thing. It dries up your fertile mucus along with your snotty mucus. I actually need the fertile mucus to get pregnant. While we don't actually plan to start inseminating until June, I need to start tracking the mucus now. So no more decongestant. I have been taking decongestant most of my life. How can I stop now? They say a good substitute is Echinacea, but we all know that herbs are no match for strong drugs, so I probably won't be able to breath for the next few years. This is truly a sacrifice I'm making for my children. They had better appreciate it!

I also read that you should drink a tea made of raspberry leaf, nettle leaf, red clover, and oat straw, to promote general reproductive health. And at Whole Foods yesterday I found a tea by Yogi called Mother-to-Be that contains raspberry leaf and nettle. Great news, right? Except that I hate tea. I mean I really hate it. My partner loves tea and drinks multiple cups a day. I can't stand it - hot or cold. So I said, suck it up. Yesterday I made a cup of tea and forced myself to drink it. I almost threw up. I'm supposed to drink 1-4 cups a day. Since I'm just beginning this process, it's hard to say, but this may just be one of the hardest things I do. This morning I made some iced tea, but I haven't yet gotten the nerve to drink it.

Medical Problems?

We received a package of forms from Columbia Fertility to bring with us to our appointment. It asks about all of the medical problems I have and why I might be infertile. I don't have any medical problems, I just need someone to stick some sperm up inside me!

New Years Resolution: Get Pregnant!

We've been saying for a while that 2008 is the year. That when the new year begins, the baby making begins. Well, 2008 is here now, so... It's a little nerve racking. I spent this week at work calling doctors and making appointments. And I've been reading books, lots of them. So much to know, so much to do. We actually have an appointment at Columbia Fertility this upcoming Friday. I called thinking it would take weeks to get an appointment, but I was wrong, and now we have an appointment so soon. Is this actually happening? Are we really going to have a baby? We're just babies, aren't we?