Monday, September 29, 2008


That's how I feel. The queasiness started on Friday night. Driving home from work a wave of nausea hit me. I ate some almonds to feel better but it only made it worse. I was stuck in traffic and thought I was going to throw up all over myself. So I started crying. I didn't throw up, and the queasiness settled down to a state of general ick that's lasted through today. I'm not going to be sick, but I also don't feel well. And nothing makes me feel better. I ate some crackers, and that didn't help. I'm hungry, and generally when I'm hungry I feel sick, but when I try to eat, my stomach churns. Everyone says don't worry, the queasiness and fatigue only last a few months. But I'm thinking months! I'm going to feel like this for months?

My huge breasts are super tender these days as well. Last night I got up at 1:30am to go to the bathroom and they hurt so much when I stood up that I had to hold them until I laid down again.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


I read that one pregnancy symptom is vivid dreams. I've always had some pretty vivid dreams, but since getting pregnant I've had two dreams that disturbed me, and stayed with me long after I awoke. The first I blogged about a few weeks ago and was about getting fired. The second was today. I dreamed about my grandpa (Papa) who died when I was 18. K and I and our dog were at my grandparents old house for a family reunion. We arrived late and when we got there Papa was talking to other people, so we just went to bed and planned to talk to him in the morning. When we woke in the morning he was still sleeping. I woke up from the dream before getting to talk to him. He was there, but distant. I could see him, but not reach him. As soon as I woke this morning, I started crying.
If this really is a symptom of pregnancy, I don't like it. I like happy dreams. The last time I dreamed of Papa was about a year ago. He came to work with me. I wheeled him around in his wheelchair, introduced him to people, and then left him in a conference room and email everyone to go talk to him. And everyone that talked to him came to tell me how funny he was and how much they loved him. It was such a happy dream. That's the one I'll try to remember when this other one washes over me.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Big boobs

I've got them. They arrived yesterday. I've had tender breasts since Sunday, so I knew it was coming, but I thought it would be more gradual. Yesterday at 4pm I went to the bathroom and while washing my hands I noticed them poking out at me. I went home and showed them to K and she said she's positive I didn't have those when I left the house. They are huge and full. I didn't really expect them to come so early. I've got 9 months before they are necessary.

Today I'm wearing K's bra - she's one cup size bigger than me normally and I was spilling out of mine. It's a little roomy, something to grow into. This is definitely a benefit of being married to a woman...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Not telling

Last night we talked to C for his birthday. We're not telling C & K because K is weird about babies and children and will probably say something weird and negative and we only want to hear positive things right now. So what do you talk about when people say "What's going on with you?" "Same old, same old" doesn't really cover it, but if we're lying about what really going on, then our lives just sound boring.

Monday, September 22, 2008


Today's (day 22) blood test results:

Progesterone 20.7
Beta/hcg 7,971

So the supplements are working - my progesterone has doubled. Here's an updated plot of the beta:

The numbers are leveling off into a more normal range, though still quite high. We've schedule the ultrasound with our RE for Oct. 3, almost two weeks away.

Ooh, I'm pregnant...

I wanted to link to the song by that title by the band Cub, but I can't find it anywhere. When you search for "cub pregnant", a bunch of stuff about pregnant lions pops up...

Anyway, I am pregnant. We found out on Monday and have been waiting to tell everyone in person before posting here. We went out to a romantic dinner at Olazzo Monday night to celebrate and called lots of people. So many people screaming with excitement into the phone. We've only told our closest friends and only people who we know will be excited for us. So this means K's mom but not mine.

We thought I was pregnant based on my symptoms, but didn't want to get our hopes up. Here is a list of my symptoms before I knew I was pregnant:

1. Implantation cramp on day 7 that lasted overnight
2. My vagina smelled differently (TMI)
3. Crying over really minor things - like on day 14 I wanted to go to breakfast before church but we ran out of time, and this made me cry
4. Some queasiness

Since finding out on Monday, I've had some additional symptoms:

5. Extreme tiredness - this weekend I went to bed every night at 8:30, slept until 8:30 in the morning, and took multiple rest breaks.
6. Tender, veiny breasts with darkening nipples.
7. Very hungry

I've gone in ever other day for a blood test for the beta/hcg and progesterone levels. Here they are for whoever's interested:

Day 15: Progesterone 10.6, Beta 417
Day 17: Progesterone 8.9, Beta 1,616
Day 19: Progesterone 10.5, Beta 3,076

My progesterone is low and even dropped a little, so I'm taking supplement vaginally. The pharmacist asked if I needed information on how to take it - um, no, I think vaginally describes it pretty well.

My beta numbers are off the charts, and from what I read, this could mean three things:

  • Down syndrome
  • Molar pregnancy
  • Multiple pregnancy

Based on this list, we're really hoping for multiples. My aunt had twins, so it's definitely a possibility. K is actually really excited by the idea of twins since it means we never have to do this horrible trying-to-conceive thing ever again.

Here's a chart of the range HcG levels for just one baby, and the red line is my data

Our friend J sent us a book called A Child is Born as soon as she found out. It's an amazing book with pictures of the fetus developing and detailed descriptions of the baby as it develops. In my fragile state, this book makes me cry. Right now our baby looks like a grouper. She is also reading the book My Miserable Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy and said she would give it to me once she's done with it. But I said I don't want to read it if it's going to make me cry because I do enough of that on my own these days. So she's screening it for me.

I'm off my claritin, which has been really hard. Along with all of the pregnancy symptoms, I've got crazy allergies to deal with. At least it gives me something to tell people at work about why I'm so sick. On Wed my boss asked if I was feeling okay because I was sneezing and sniffling, and I told him that I stopped taking my allergy medicine. He said "Why would you do that?" and I said "Just to try it" and he looked at me quizzically and said "Well, good luck".

In some cases it's been hard not telling people, but by far the hardest was yesterday. At a picnic for my department at work, I was holding a coworker friend's 10 month old baby and talking to my boss's wife. She thought the baby was mine and when I said it wasn't, she said, "Well, you should get one. That one looks like it belongs on your lap." I told her we were trying and she was so excited, and said she definitely wanted to be kept up-to-date. It would have been so easy to tell her the truth, but there were lots of coworkers around and she's my boss's wife, and so we stuck with the lie. But I'll definitely tell her as soon as I can.

Now we need an OB/GYN. Since my beta levels are so high, the RE doesn't need to monitor me anymore. Next week she will do an ultra sound and then release me to an OB/GYN. But we don't know who yet. Oh, it seems so daunting... I need a nap!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator

If I were Sarah Palin's daughter, my name would be Rust Mustang Palin. It's not bad...

Monday, September 15, 2008


Today's the day we find out. I had my blood test this morning, and am waiting ever so patiently for the phone call. We held out and resisted the urge to test all weekend. I've got a million possible symptoms, some I put faith in that others. But I think it all adds up to nothing and the real test is today. This month has been so hard with small follicles and possible symptoms and I just want it to be over. And it will be soon, one way or another.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Not so confident today

Last night was our DI support group and our doctor made a visit. Everyone in our group uses the same doctor, so this was our chance to barrage her with questions. She basically says that follicle size is the most important indication of ovulation, and my follicles were small, so I don't think I'm pregnant. Plus I would expect to feel queasy and tired by now and I don't. I think next month we may consider Clomid because she said that's the way to help women who's follicles don't develop like they should. We could wait and monitor one more month, but clomid only adds about $500 to youf costs per month, and considering we're already paying about $1500, why waste another month if my body doesn't work right. So anyway, now I'm just in the mode of waiting for my period so we can start over.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I don't want to wait

I really feel like I might be pregnant. I've never felt this way before. I don't want to wait until Monday to find out, I want to know now. We've always said I wouldn't take the at-home pregnancy test early because I don't want to be disappointed when really it's just too early. But this wait! So I looked up the website for First Response, since they advertise being able to detect sooner than other tests, a full five days before your missed period. I expect my period Sunday or Monday, so I am 3-4 days from my period. Here's what it says on their website:

In clinical research, FIRST RESPONSE® Early Result Pregnancy Test detected the hormone level in 69% of women four days before their expected period (which is five days sooner than the day of their missed period), in 83% of women three days before their expected period, in 93% of women two days before their expected period, in 93% of women one day before their expected period.

Only 69% can be detected this early? That is really low. I feel like that is almost false advertising, since the test only really works well 2 days before your missed period. Plus, there is that wording difference between expected and missed period that they use in their favor.

So we wait. 4 more long days...
Last night we had a scare. My 20 pound dog walked across my stomach. She is used to climbing all over us, and normally we think it's cute. I've been trying to stop her from walking across my stomach lately, but it's hard to catch her before she is doing it. After she walked on me, I had a cramp that lasted until I went to sleep. I woke up okay this morning. K looked it up and found that being hit in the stomach only affects you after 14 weeks, so we shouldn't worry about it. But the cramp really scared me. I hope I haven't jeopardized this chance.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

And in the too much information category...

I may have this symptom too...

Constipation is another common early symptom of pregnancy. An increase in progesterone causes food to pass more slowly through the intestines — which can lead to constipation.

I dreamed I was fired

K's been making a point of making sure I'm well-rested. On the weekends this means she gets up to walk the dog and often we take at least one nap. On Sunday I had a very stressful nap. I dreamed I was fired. They were letting me go because there wasn't any work left for me to do and they would call me back when there was more. Most of the dream consisted of me cleaning out my desk and being sad. I remember thinking, 'Well, that's okay, I guess I'll just stay home and be a mom. But I never really wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, so it could be boring. Especially now, because I don't even have any children yet.'

Now, I know I'm not going to get fired. But I came back to work this week raring to go, to show them that I shouldn't be the first to go, even though I'm sure no one else will get fired either. I'm actually going to go talk to my boss today to tell him that I have too much work, and because of that I'm getting nothing done, and doing nothing well. Now back to work!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Not to be too hopeful, but...

Yesterday I started getting some pregnancy symptoms. Yesterday evening I had a dull cramp that continued until late this morning, like menstrual cramps or a gas pain. Last night I woke up to pee and then woke again having to pee but held it until morning. I NEVER pee at night, so twice in one night is a big deal. Yesterday was day 7 past my IUI and should be around the time the implantation occurs. I looked it up and found these early symptoms:

Slight bleeding or cramping
For some women, a small amount of spotting or vaginal bleeding is one of the first symptoms of pregnancy. Known as implantation bleeding, it happens when the fertilized egg attaches to the lining of the uterus — about 10 to 14 days after fertilization. This type of bleeding is usually a bit earlier, spottier and lighter in color than a normal period and doesn't last as long. Some women also experience abdominal cramping early in pregnancy. These cramps are similar to menstrual cramps.

Frequent urination
A woman in the early stages of pregnancy may feel she has to urinate frequently, especially at nighttime, and she may leak urine with a cough, sneeze, or laugh. The increased desire to urinate may have both physical and hormonal causes. Once the embryo has implanted in the uterus, it begins to produce the hormone known as human chorionic gonadotrophin (hCG), which is believed to stimulate frequent urination. Another cause of frequent urination that develops later is the pressure exerted by the growing uterus on the bladder.

Uh! We have to wait until Sept 22 for the blood test. That seems like so long from now.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

A whirlwind weekend

I am so tired from a whirlwind weekend. I just got back from lunch with some coworkers, where I had caffeine, so I'm feeling a little better for the afternoon.

We were pretty depressed Thursday after the weird sonogram results. But our college friends were coming to town, so we put it all behind us as we looked forward to a fun weekend. A arrived on Friday night, we had a tasty meal at the Taste of Jerusalem and stayed up late into the night. Saturday I got up early to pee on a stick. If we got a positive, we needed to call the doctor by 7:30 am. Based on the sonogram, we weren't expecting a positive until Monday, but got a positive on Saturday. So we called the doctor and she said to rush in for another sonogram. The sonogram showed the same thing - no follicles were ready, I probably wasn't ovulating. But since there was a +OPK, she drew some blood to get the hormone levels. We went home and waited for the call. K was more depressed, crying while driving home. It's never going to work, we can't do anything right, why are we doing this when we could just adopt, we're going to spend all of our money and still not have a baby...

L arrived around 12:30. We were happy because we haven't seen him in a year. Emotional roller coaster. We go to Thai at Silver Spring for lunch, and while there receive a phone call from the doctor. She says the progesterone looks right, the LH is surging, and the time is now. Huh? This morning she basically told us to give up on this cycle, and now things couldn't be better? Confusion and more emotional roller coaster, but we agree to come in Sunday morning for an IUI. Spent the rest of the day relaxing with friends that we love as family - relaxing and laughing. It's good for the spirits, and good for the soul. Again we stayed up way too late. A and I each laughed until we had to pee.

Sunday we woke up early and all four of us piled into the car for a trip to the clinic. We were nervously chatting and laughing while waiting to be called. K and I went into the office and left A and L in the waiting room. A really wanted to come in, but we said no. There is some privacy left... They sat listening through the walls instead. We told doc that our college friends were visiting so we dragged them along, and she said "Oh, I was wondering who those people were..." Doc says cervix was open but on it's way closed, so this was perfect timing. I still don't understand about the sonograms and the follicles, but if the doc says it's perfect we'll go with it.

We were headed to Berkeley Springs, WV, for a day of spa treatments, soaking in the baths, and swimming and boating at the Cacapon State Park. K asked the doctor about these activities and she said they were not for me. No swimming the day of an IUI - good to know. We went anyway, and still had lots of fun. K and A took in the baths while L and I watched the kids swim in the springs. It was a wonderful day and would be a great day to conceive a baby - with our closest friends listening through the wall in the waiting room - but I still don't know if there was an egg. We are cautiously hopeful - the whole event just felt so good, but everything about it was fucked up. This two week cycle of hope and despair totally sucks and I don't want to do it again.

On Monday we went to Mickey D's for a egg mcmuffin. I read somewhere that they help the with the implantation, I told this to K and A, and said it was probably unfounded, but they both wanted to use me as an excuse to get one themselves, so off we went, arriving just in time before they shut down breakfast. It was not so tasty, but I've always love McDonald's hashbrowns.

We visited Greenbelt for the Labor Day festival. L loves sno-cones and lemonade and fair food so when we told him about it, his eyes got big and he said "you mean they will have sno-cones?" The parade was going on when we arrived. We didn't care about the parade, but had to walk past it on our way to the Greenbelt Museum. There aren't any sidewalks and there were people standing on the edge of the road, so we started marching in the parade. First we joined the dog group, then joined the Obama group. We stood with them, chanting along with "Vote Change - Obama '08". We crashed the Greenbelt parade! This is the strangest parade - even code enforcement was included. My favorite was the people pushing lawn mowers with the words 'Kick Gas'.

A left Monday afternoon. L stayed - he's moving to the area for 3-6 months (hopefully forever) and we helped show him around. We're trying to sell him on the area so that he will want to stay. If this IUI worked, he'll leave when I'm 6 months pregnant. If he stays, he'll be here for the birth.

This was our 4th annual Labor day with our college friends celebration. We look forward to it every year. If I don't get pregnant soon, I will either be big and pregnant or we will have a new born at Labor Day next year. We don't want to miss it - we want to bring our baby with us to celebrate. Another reason we hope to be pregnant this cycle.

So now we wait. I go in on the 19th for a pregnancy blood test. Cross your fingers.