Family (Not mine this time)

Our friend P came over Saturday night. I cooked him dinner because he was depressed about family issues and thought I could understand. He has a southern family just like mine and we've commiserated in the past. He's a single gay man and decided recently that he's never talking to his family again. He's been putting up with them for 13 years since he came out and he's not going to put up with them anymore.

I told him about how I didn't talk to my family for 1.5 years after I came out. I told them I wouldn't compromise for them. They would either accept me or lose me. They tried to wait me out, but when they saw that I was serious, they came around. Now they accept me and my family and treat us like people or they don't see us. They aren't perfect, but they certainly come a long way.

There is a long history of gay people who don't talk to their parents. It's hard, but we have to stop needing them for anything - no emotional support, no bonding, no love, no advice, no money. Once you get yourself to that place where you really don't need them, then you let them into your lives or not. It's your choice. You never let yourself feel guilty when they say that you are a bad person for not including them in your lives. You're not guilty - they are. If they treated you better, you'd let them back in. And if you do let them back in, it's always as an accessory to your life. You have to have a full life without them. You don't need them and you're okay without them.

This is not easy, of course, and it requires a community of friends that you can count on like family. And it requires having people who understand you. This is why P & I need each other. This is why GLB people need each other. We know what it's like to be rejected. We know what it's like to have a wedding that our parents don't attend. That our sister attends but then later complains about. We know what it's like to tell our parents we're going to have children and have them react poorly. We know what it's like to be told not to bring your partner around. We know what it's like to be told you are a pervert, likened to a child molester, by your own parents. No one who is not GLB could ever understand this, and they may tell you that you need to give your family a break. They are wrong. You need to take care of yourself first. This is why GLB people refer to each other as 'family'. We need each other and we don't have anyone else.

But it's not just GLB people who need to stick together. Southerners do to. Around here people are liberal and grew up with diversity. People are shocked with the racism, homophobia, sexism, close-mindedness, and alcoholism that comes with being a part of a southern family. When we moved from FL to IA for grad school, people said 'how are an interracial, same-sex couple going to fair in IA?' Very well, actually. Midwesterners are not diverse - IA is like 96% white. But they aren't close-minded. Southerners are very big on conformity, but Midwesterners are more hands-off. You don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you what to do. Such a relief from the conformity of diverse FL. Of course, nothing was better than moving to the DC area - diverse and liberal and open-minded! Anyway, P & I have a shared experience that few people understand. We need each other. We are family.

Moles

Moles. I'm covered in them. I just went to the dermatologist because some of them were itching and raised. He took pictures and I will go back in six months. I've been monitoring my moles since I was a kid. They are large and dark and all over my body, in places I won't even mention. It's because I'm white. Like super, glow-in-the-dark white. I grew up in FL and multiple members of my mom's family, including my mom, have had skin cancer spots removed.

K grew up in FL too, but she is brown. I remember when she got her first sunburn at age 23. She was like "Why is my skin red and flaky? And it hurts." Um, that's a sunburn, and I've gotten a million of them over the years. Oh, to be brown.

As I was naked and being examined and photographed by the doctor today, I thought, our kids will be brown. They won't have to do this. And that makes me happy.

Family

My family is totally fucked up. My parents are small town and so white and Baptist and conservative and hunters/fishers and scared, so scared. We are big city, interracial, Unitarian Universalists with eastern religious influences, a same-sex couple, vegetarian - so everything that they are afraid of. We push them so far out of their comfort zone, and as they get older, all they want is to be comfortable.

They've came to visit us only once since college. When we bought our home almost a year ago, I put them on the spot and said "When will you come to see my new home?" They finally agreed to come this coming weekend. They've bought the plane tickets and arranged to leave work and everything. I was talking to my mom on Sunday to finalize the details and mentioned to her that we don't wear shoes in our home because of Indian tradition. She said okay and seemed fine. Then on Monday I got this email:



We have a problem with our visit. I talked to Dad about our conversation last night.
He doesn't like your no shoes rule. He doesn't want to worship Indian cultures.
You either have to accept us as us or not. We're not veggatarians, we're not Indian etc.
We are what we are, and always will be, and we like it. We are you parents and you invited us to visit, knowing what we are. If you're ok with this and you want us to visit, wonderful, nothing else said, if not, call Dad's cell phone and let him know what you want him to do.
Mom



Crazy, right? This is obviously about so much more than shoes. It's like shoes are the only thing they can fight back about.

I keep thinking things will be better between us when we have children, because my parents love babies. But I don't know. How will they handle their little brown grandchild?

Fertility Clinic

We had our appointment at Columbia Fertility today. We chose them because of their Bethesda location, but it's still a pain to get to since they are not located near a metro. Basically K takes the metro from DC and I drive down and pick her up, then we drive 3 miles away to the clinic. It takes each of us about 45 min. each way, maybe a little longer for K, which is fine as long as we don't have to do this too many times in the middle of work like we did today.

We liked the clinic well enough. We're happy to have a female doctor. I used to have a male primary doctor, and the gyno exam was not very fun with his big male hands inside of me. I prefer nice petite women with slender fingers, thank you. I also feel that female doctors are friendlier and more willing to answer your questions.

Our doctor is Pakistani, and seemed pleased to find that K is Indian. K always gets that when she meets other Indians, they are happy to see her and say hello as if they are friends. I guess K has had this her whole life, but it took me some getting used to. We did not tell her that K's mom thinks she is Pakistani.

She said that she would expect that we would get pregnant in 6-8 cycles since I don't indicate any problems with fertility. That doesn't sound too bad if she's right. We asked a lot of questions, but after we left we realized we forgot to ask how it works. Oops.

She said that she expects the process to be relatively cheap since there aren't any fertility problems, which we appreciate. We've got a lot of money saved for this, but we'd like to spend that money on other things we need before the kid comes, including a bigger car with four doors and a bigger bed.

She suggested we inseminate using IUI (Intra-uteral insemination) at the clinic twice each cycle to increase the chances of conception. We were considering one IUI and one ICI (intra-cervical insemination) at home since it's more romantic and because K wants to be the one to knock me up, as she likes to say. But I like the idea of getting pregnant quickly, so we'll have to think about it.

So much to think about, but at least we liked the doctor.

Reactions

We've been trying to tell everyone now that we are trying so that they can get over the shock and be ready with the congratulations when we finally say we're pregnant. This was a big goal over the holidays with the families. We've been saying to our parents for years "when we have kids..." just to get them used to the idea, but now we told them we are actually trying.

My parents have the reaction they always have when I bring up kids. They just get silent and stop talking. They'll get used to it when there is an actual baby involved, I'm sure. I mentioned it to my sister in an email once and she never responded, but I think she's too wrapped up in her own life to even care.

I told some close family friends, essentially my aunt and uncle that we did everything with when I was a kid. The husband paused, and said "Really?". Then he thought for a moment and said, "Yeah, you can't really go through life without having kids, can you?" then tried to convince us to name our son after him. I'll call this one a good reaction.

I told my aunt in a letter. She didn't say anything about it, but for Christmas she handmade us two stuffed animals.

I told my partner's mom. My partner is an only child and her mom really wants grandkids, so she's always been very excited. She told me that we should get Pakistani sperm. I said, "But K's Indian, so we should get Indian sperm." She said, matter-of-fact, "No, K's Pakistani, just look at her features." And I said, "How can K be Pakistani if you are Indian?" And she said "I'm Indian, yes, but I think her grandfather on her father's side must have been Pakistani. How else would K look so Pakistani?" And I thought, why did I do this while K is in the shower? I always forget how crazy that woman is, but at least she's supportive.

We told K's aunt and young cousins. The aunt is always supportive. She is a nurse, so she said "I know this is rude to ask, but I have to know how you plan to do it." At least she knew it was rude to ask. Most people don't.

We also sent Christmas cards to our state legislators with pictures of our family, saying that 2008 is a year of hope, where we hope to expand our family and we hope for the passage of the Marriage Protection and Religious Freedom Act before our baby is born. We received a response from only one, Jamie Raskin, who mentioned that his kids are of babysitting age if we need it. And that, along with many other reasons, is why that man will have my vote forever, for whatever he runs for.

So now everyone knows. They can sit with that information and get used to it. No one can say we didn't warn them.