Monday, June 21, 2010

I'm back

I'm back to blogging because I'm back at trying to conceive. Our first born is one and fabulous and makes us happy every day. And now we want to try to for number two. Trying to conceive makes me want to blog because I can't talk about it. We're not telling many that we are trying and once we get pregnant (fingers crossed) we won't be telling people for a while. And there are a lot of emotions/feelings around it, so I'm going to use this space to write them down. I don't know if there are any readers out there anymore. Maybe somebody who forgot remove me from their google reader will see this message and maybe even care what I have to say. Here are some thoughts I have roaming around my head.

1. I can't believe we are really starting this. There was this feeling of accomplishment after getting pregnant last night that was like 'oh, it's done. we won't have to do that again.' Last time there was such a build up, where I tracked my temperature and peed on sticks for months. This time it's like, oh, we're going to get started soon. I wonder if I even ovulate. The goal is to start trying late August/September. I tried peeing on sticks last month but we were on vacation and I could never get it right. So I'm trying again. I'm on day 12. No positive yet, but I would expect it in a couple of days based on my old cycle. I'm not taking my temperature since that just caused more stress than it provided information.

2. We have an appointment with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) this Friday. We haven't seen her since I was 6 weeks pregnant. I have a midwife appointment a few weeks later. I haven't seen them since my 6 week follow-up. This makes it seem really real.

3. We had always planned to wait a year and then start trying again. For the first 8-9 months this really scared me. I couldn't imagine being pregnant and caring for an infant. But then my baby got older and started sleeping through the night and things got easier. And I would see pregnant women and think "Wouldn't that be nice?" And these feelings really surprised me. I started longing to be pregnant again! And then two weeks ago our friends gave birth to a baby boy. And the mother started asking questions about her negative feelings about the baby and about lack of sleep and constant breastfeeding and I got a little scared again. But at least now I know that it really does get better, but wow, that's going to be hard.

4. I'm trying to wean baby #1 so that I can get pregnant easier. I feel that I've already got a hard time getting pregnant given that I'm using frozen sperm so I had better do everything I can to increase my chances. So far I'm reducing the amount of breast milk sent to daycare (supplementing with whole milk) and decreasing my pumping sessions at work. By the end of next week I should be done with pumping. Then we just need to deal with the home front. How do you put a baby to sleep without milk? Don't know, I've never tried it. I know it will be hard for a few weeks (we went through night weaning at about 9-10 months so we have an idea) but she'll get over it. I'm just dreading trying. I'm not as in love with nursing as a lot of people I know but there will be things I will miss. I won't miss pumping, or feeding in public, or stopping everything to feed her. I will miss waking up in the morning and bringing her to our bed and the three of us laying together while she nurses. This is my favorite part of the day. I will miss the cuddles because in general she's not very cuddly. She's too busy on the go. It's been a good/hard almost thirteen months of breastfeeding and it's time to move on.

5. Not on the baby making front, I'm in love with my one year old. She turned one just a few weeks ago. She's almost walking, she saying a few words, does a few signs. She's really developing a sense of humor. She's adventurous. She's my doll (as my grandpa used to call me). Here are a couple of recent pictures.

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