Baby shower advocacy

We are hosting a baby shower for A&C this Saturday and we wanted to include a little advocacy at the shower. A baby shower might not seem like the right place for advocacy, but when you live without rights like we do, you do advocacy whenever you can. Of course there will be cake and punch and games and everything that you would expect from a baby shower, but we thought we could put five minutes aside to send a letter to our legislators asking them to support marriage for A&C and all of the other families with children in MD that can't get married. We typed up a form letter and we're asking everyone at the party to sign five copies. Then after the party K & I will address them to the governor and the appropriate delegates and senator, stick in a picture from the party, and mail it away. Here's a copy of the letter:

Dear

I attended a baby shower today for my dear friends – A and C – who live in Greenbelt. They've known each other since they were young children, and after getting married in 2006, they are ready for the next step. I am so excited for them; they will be such wonderful parents! The shower was a lot of fun. I've included a picture from the party.

I am so excited for them, but I am bothered by the fact that they cannot get married and protect their family. It's one thing to be treated as a second-class citizen when you are a young couple with few worries, but it's another thing completely when your family expands.

A and C both grew up in Prince Georges County and they both have family there. They bought a home a few years ago in historic downtown Greenbelt, just down the street from C's parents, in a neighborhood C grew up in. They chose to live in downtown Greenbelt because of the community, thinking it would be a great place to raise their children, especially because the grandparents live so close and can play a big role in the children's lives.

They could move somewhere where same-sex marriage or civil unions are legal. In the past year, two couples they know have moved from PG County to Vermont for this reason. But by moving they would be leaving their family, friends, and community behind. It's sad that they have had to make a choice between providing protections for their family and living near their extended family. It shouldn't be a choice that a family has to make.

Please help bring peace of mind to my friends A, C, and the soon-to-be baby, and the other families in Maryland, by supporting the Marriage Protection and Religious Freedom Act.

Sincerely,

Sesame Street

K & I love Sesame Street. I love Bert & Ernie and K loves Cookie Monster. I also love Grover, especially Super Grover, and Oscar of course. We used to watch it when we were in college and grad school, and if I'm home sick, I'll still watch it, but it's just not the same as when we were kids. For one thing, I can't stand Elmo, and he gets 20 minutes just to himself. And everything is so manufactured - this segment and then that segment - the same every day. What happened to the community feel - you had all of these people in a neighborhood talking to each other.

What I miss the most is the Bert & Ernie segments. Rarely do you see them together anymore, and when I was in grad school there was this horrible segment every day called Journey to Ernie which was just Big Bird and Ernie. Ernie is nothing without Bert - they need each other.

In college A, K, and I used to volunteer at the local Head Start program. A and I would go in really early in the morning and read to the kids and sometimes I would go in the afternoon with K. Sometimes we would buy books at the dollar store and bring them to share. K & I would always buy Sesame Street books. Before giving them to the kids, I would usually read K to sleep with them (this was back when we were still 'just friends'... yeah, right!). We always said she was Bert and I was Ernie because she was always trying to take a nap and I was always waking her up - Hey, Bert!

Last weekend we spend a long time on YouTube looking up Sesame Street segments. It started out innocent enough - she was showing me music videos for the band Oppenheimer. Then we saw that there was a Bert & Ernie segment that used They Might Be Giants music (Ernie cleans to the Famous Polka - it's great!). Then we just watched more and more. Lots of classic Bert & Ernie, Cookie Monster on NPR, Cookie Monster on Martha Stewart, Cookie Monster and the Count. It was so much fun. By watching this, we realized something. We have now switched rolls - K is now Ernie and I'm Bert. When did that happen? Sometime in the past 7 years we switched rolls?

We can't wait to watch Sesame Street with our kids. They've released to box sets called Sesame Street Old School, so the kids can see what Sesame Street was for us, and fall in love with it the way that we did. K says that will be the first thing we register for.

Family (Not mine this time)

Our friend P came over Saturday night. I cooked him dinner because he was depressed about family issues and thought I could understand. He has a southern family just like mine and we've commiserated in the past. He's a single gay man and decided recently that he's never talking to his family again. He's been putting up with them for 13 years since he came out and he's not going to put up with them anymore.

I told him about how I didn't talk to my family for 1.5 years after I came out. I told them I wouldn't compromise for them. They would either accept me or lose me. They tried to wait me out, but when they saw that I was serious, they came around. Now they accept me and my family and treat us like people or they don't see us. They aren't perfect, but they certainly come a long way.

There is a long history of gay people who don't talk to their parents. It's hard, but we have to stop needing them for anything - no emotional support, no bonding, no love, no advice, no money. Once you get yourself to that place where you really don't need them, then you let them into your lives or not. It's your choice. You never let yourself feel guilty when they say that you are a bad person for not including them in your lives. You're not guilty - they are. If they treated you better, you'd let them back in. And if you do let them back in, it's always as an accessory to your life. You have to have a full life without them. You don't need them and you're okay without them.

This is not easy, of course, and it requires a community of friends that you can count on like family. And it requires having people who understand you. This is why P & I need each other. This is why GLB people need each other. We know what it's like to be rejected. We know what it's like to have a wedding that our parents don't attend. That our sister attends but then later complains about. We know what it's like to tell our parents we're going to have children and have them react poorly. We know what it's like to be told not to bring your partner around. We know what it's like to be told you are a pervert, likened to a child molester, by your own parents. No one who is not GLB could ever understand this, and they may tell you that you need to give your family a break. They are wrong. You need to take care of yourself first. This is why GLB people refer to each other as 'family'. We need each other and we don't have anyone else.

But it's not just GLB people who need to stick together. Southerners do to. Around here people are liberal and grew up with diversity. People are shocked with the racism, homophobia, sexism, close-mindedness, and alcoholism that comes with being a part of a southern family. When we moved from FL to IA for grad school, people said 'how are an interracial, same-sex couple going to fair in IA?' Very well, actually. Midwesterners are not diverse - IA is like 96% white. But they aren't close-minded. Southerners are very big on conformity, but Midwesterners are more hands-off. You don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you what to do. Such a relief from the conformity of diverse FL. Of course, nothing was better than moving to the DC area - diverse and liberal and open-minded! Anyway, P & I have a shared experience that few people understand. We need each other. We are family.

The Business of Being Born

We watched this movie last night. It's release was very timely for us, right when we were starting to think through these issues. Neither K nor I are 'granolas', and are not the people that would typically use 'alternative birthing methods'. A & C are totally granolas, especially C who hates all medications. I remember once she said that she doesn't like to take midol because then she doesn't 'feel' the period. And I said 'why do you need to feel it?' So of course they are giving birth in a birthing center in Annapolis. It would be expected of them.

So I'm not a granola and not prone to doing things alternatively, but I have been noticing a trend lately of everyone having a c-section. It's crazy. I know we can do it without the surgery - we've been doing it for thousands of years without surgery. But then, childbirth used to be the leading cause of death among women, and I certainly don't want to die!

In the movie it explains that the c-section rate is increasing because of the drugs we use. The drugs make the contractions more intense and if it goes on too long, the baby becomes distressed, and then it becomes an emergency. We have to use the drugs because doctors don't like long, drawn out labors. Also, laying in bed, strapped to it, is not the best way to give birth. You need to move you hips around so the baby can reposition itself. And standing/squatting let's gravity do it's thing. Laying down means we all have to work harder. So giving birth in a hospital just seems wrong in so many ways.

But what are the options. I'm not giving birth at home! We've got white carpet, for christ-sakes. And we're not going to the birthing center in Annapolis. It's way to far away. My preference would be a birthing center attached to a hospital in case there is an emergency. My friend almost died in childbirth and needed 2 pints of blood. Would she have made it if she hadn't been in a hospital? I don't want to take a chance. I guess I need to do my research and figure out what options we have in our area. But not now. First I need to get pregnant.

Legal matters

We met with the lawyer this morning. Michele Zavos. Peace of mind for just $1,575. It's a lot of money but I think it's worth it. She knows her stuff. We have that big tax return coming thanks to a year of home ownership, so we can afford it. We set it up so that our friend L will be the legal guardian of our kids if we both die. We wanted our kids to go to a glbt person so that they wouldn't lose the queer connection, and we think L would to a great job. But he lives in FL and as a gay man he would never be able to legally adopt our kids - only serve as legal guardian. We always tell him he should leave FL. Hopefully he will soon. We need to pick our second legal guardian in case L dies. How depressing that would be - for the two of us and L to all be dead?

We also set up who will care for our dog. Michele said it wasn't important but K thought it was really important. She said "Oh, my poor baby!" C & D will get the dog.

We decided that if we both die, and we don't have any kids (or the kids die), we will just give our estate to HRC. Previously we listed our parents, but they don't need the money and HRC does. Not that we have much money...

Michele's assistant, also maybe a lawyer so assistant maybe is not the right word, is also trying to conceive with her partner. They've been through three tries. We'll probably be in a lesbian insemination support group with her soon. Everybody we know is trying. Interestingly, the assistant/lawyer lives in VA. Michele Zavos has a repeated mantra - whatever you do, don't live in VA if you are GLBT. Yet this assistant/lawyer that works for her lives in VA and is trying to have a baby with her partner. Does she not listen to her boss? We don't even travel through VA unless we can't avoid it.

Happy Anniversary to us!

Sunday was our eighth anniversary. Sometimes I think eight years - wow, that's a long time. I'm only 29. Sometimes I think - only eight years? I feel like I've known K my whole life.

We had an active anniversary. We went to church and announced during Joys and Sorrows that it was our anniversary. Every one clapped and later said congrats. Our friend C said 'Wow, you guys are getting old!'. C, I think you're older than we are...

The organizer for the church women's retreat came to beg us to attend. We told her we couldn't spend the $150 each because we have to buy sperm. We didn't really want to go, but money is always a nice excuse.

After church I went to our church's LGBTQA Task Force meeting while K went to Safeway and bought an Ovulation Predictor Kit. She cheaped out with the store brand - $23 for 7 sticks to pee on. That's officially the first expense of our baby making experience. We will be using these in March.

We came home for lunch and then took our dog to Petsmart to get her nails clipped. Doesn't this sound like the most romantic anniversary ever? It does get better.

After Petsmart, we went for a walk in the park. Then rushed home to get gussied up for a nice dinner at a swanky vegetarian restaurant in DC. This is our go-to place for nice dinners. It feels fancy, but it's not actually that expensive - maybe $15 for an entree. We've only been a few times - to celebrate my birthday, to celebrate K passing her professional exam. We love it there, so we try to keep it special. We had a very tasty dinner and I really enjoyed just talking to K. We get so caught up in the day to day, we don't get to just talk to each other some times.

Back at home we stopped into the Oscar party in our condo for a few minutes - long enough to see the monologue and a few awards. Saying we had to go to bed, we left early. Feeling happy and in love, we came home to poop on our floor that had to be cleaned up.

That's parenting, right? We used to have these big romantic nights out. Now we have to clean poop off of the floor on our anniversary. And I'm okay with that.

Restaurant: Vegetate

LGBT Friendly Children's Books

We are throwing a baby shower for A & C, and they have asked for LGBT friendly children's books. I was looking up what is available on Amazon, and found these, and thought I'd share. Let me know what you think of these books, or if you know of others. The only one of these that I've read is And Tango Makes Three.

And Tango Makes Three by Peter Parnell (Author), Justin Richardson (Author)
PreSchool-Grade 3-This tale based on a true story about a charming penguin family living in New York City's Central Park Zoo will capture the hearts of penguin lovers everywhere. Roy and Silo, two male penguins, are "a little bit different." They cuddle and share a nest like the other penguin couples, and when all the others start hatching eggs, they want to be parents, too. Determined and hopeful, they bring an egg-shaped rock back to their nest and proceed to start caring for it. They have little luck, until a watchful zookeeper decides they deserve a chance at having their own family and gives them an egg in need of nurturing. The dedicated and enthusiastic fathers do a great job of hatching their funny and adorable daughter, and the three can still be seen at the zoo today. Done in soft watercolors, the illustrations set the tone for this uplifting story, and readers will find it hard to resist the penguins' comical expressions. The well-designed pages perfectly marry words and pictures, allowing readers to savor each illustration. An author's note provides more information about Roy, Silo, Tango, and other chinstrap penguins. This joyful story about the meaning of family is a must for any library.

King & King by Linda De Haan (Author), Stern Nijland (Author), Linda De Haan (Author)
When a grouchy queen tells her layabout son that it's time for him to marry, he sighs, "Very well, Mother.... I must say, though, I've never cared much for princesses." His young page winks. Several unsatisfactory bachelorettes visit the castle before "Princess Madeleine and her brother, Prince Lee" appear in the doorway. The hero is smitten at once. "What a wonderful prince!" he and Prince Lee both exclaim, as a shower of tiny Valentine hearts flutters between them. First-time co-authors and artists de Hann and Nijland matter-of-factly conclude with the royal wedding of "King and King," the page boy's blushing romance with the leftover princess and the assurance that "everyone lives happily ever after." Unfortunately, the multimedia collages are cluttered with clashing colors, amorphous paper shapes, scribbles of ink and bleary brushstrokes; the characters' features are indistinct and sometimes ugly. Despite its gleeful disruption of the boy-meets-girl formula, this alterna-tale is not the fairest of them all. For a visually appealing and more nuanced treatment of diversity in general, Kitty Crowther's recent Jack and Jim is a better choice. Ages 6-up.

King & King & Family by Linda De Haan (Author), Stern Mijland (Author), Stern Nijland (Author)
PreSchool-Grade 2–In this follow-up to King & King (Tricycle, 2002), King Lee and King Bertie have just married and embark on a honeymoon. As they fly off to jungle country, the two men soon discover that their cat has stowed away in their suitcase. The travelers happily tramp through the wilderness and paddle down a river, observing the wildlife as they go. Before long, they have a strange feeling that something is following them. Upon returning home, they discover another stowaway in their suitcase–this time it's a young girl from the jungle, whom they joyfully adopt and everyone lives happily ever after. The mixed-media collage illustrations are colorful with lots to look at on each page–perhaps too much, as some of the spreads are a bit cluttered. Bertie's travel diary is reproduced on the book's centerfold, hinting at the surprise ending. The text is brief and fun, and the relationships are treated matter-of-factly. However, children may wonder why the men do not try to find the little girl's family, or check to see if anyone is searching for her. All in all, this story about a nontraditional family is a bit heavy-handed.

One Dad, Two Dads, Brown Dad, Blue Dads by Johnny Valentine (Author), Melody Sarecky (Illustrator)
PreSchool-Grade 2-The message that all people are basically the same whatever their skin color or sexual orientation is a worthy one, but this book, despite its cheerful pictures, is too didactic to have much appeal. In rhyming text, two children discuss a boy's two blue dads. He points out that, aside from their color, they are the same as other fathers-they work, play, and laugh. His friend wonders how they got that way and offers numerous explanations, but he tells her that they are blue simply because they are. The only trouble with the situation is that they are hard to see against the sky. "But except for that problem,/our life is routine,/and they're just like all other dads-/black, white, or green." And when the girl declares that she has never seen a green dad, a new child appears, stating that her two fathers are both green. Children young enough to take the tale at face value will probably think it is silly (since people are neither blue nor green), while older readers would be better served by a straightforward presentation of the subject matter.

The Family Book by Todd Parr (Author)
PreSchool-Grade 2-As he did in The Mommy Book and The Daddy Book (both Little, Brown, 2002), Parr introduces children to an array of families. Whimsical illustrations featuring neon colors and figures outlined in black show big ones and small ones, and families that look alike and relatives who look just like their pets. The art features both human and animal figures; thus, pigs depict both a family that likes to be clean, and one that likes to be messy. Some families include stepmoms, stepdads, stepsisters, or stepbrothers; some adopt children. Other families have two moms or two dads, while some children have only one parent. Interspersed with the differences among families are the ways they are alike: all like to hug each other, are sad when they lose someone they love, enjoy celebrating special days together, and can help each other to be strong. This concept book celebrating the diversity of family groups is distinguished by its sense of fun.

Who's in a Family? by Robert Skutch (Author), Laura Nienhaus (Illustrator)
Beginning with a traditional nuclear family and ending with blank spaces in which the child reader is instructed to "draw a picture of your family," this slight book catalogues multicultural contemporary family units, including those with single parents, lesbian and gay parents, mixed-race couples, grandparents and divorced parents. Kevin and his brother like their kimono-clad grandmother to help them with their jigsaw puzzles, while Ricky lives with two families. "Aunt Amanda and Uncle Stan," pictured riding in a blue convertible with their pets, "don't have any children at all" but are "still a family," says the narrator, because "they say Mouser and Fred are their 'babies.'" Because "animals have families, too," the text describes elephant, lion, chimpanzee and dog families as well as human families. (A human family headed by a mother is "like the chimpanzee family. Mama chimp raises the babies by herself, with the help of any older children she may have.") Nienhaus's lackluster illustrations, the schoolmarmish tone of the text and the comparisons with wild animals all tend to undercut the final definition of a family as "the people who love you the most!" Ages 3-7.

Heather Has Two Mommies (Alyson Wonderland) by Leslea Newman (Author), Diana Souza (Illustrator)
This handsome 10-anniversary edition of a minor classic presents the story of Heather, a preschooler with two moms who discovers that some of her friends have very different sorts of families. Juan, for example, has a mommy and a daddy and a big brother named Carlos. Miriam has a mommy and a baby sister. And Joshua has a mommy, a daddy, and a stepdaddy. Their teacher Molly encourages the children to draw pictures of their families, and reassures them that "each family is special" and that "the most important thing about a family is that all the people in it love each other." In the afterword, the author (whose other children's books include Matzo Ball Moon) explains that although she grew up in a Jewish home, in a Jewish neighborhood, there were no families like hers on the television or in picture books. She came to regard her family as somehow "wrong," since there was no Christmas tree in the living room and no Easter egg hunt. Whatever the religious right may wish to think about nontraditional families, there is no denying that any child enrolled in an American school will encounter friends with single parents, gay parents, stepparents, or adoptive parents. This new, revised version of Heather Has Two Mommies offers an enjoyable, upbeat, age-appropriate introduction to the idea of family diversity. The book is essential for children (ages 2 to 6) with gay parents or family members, and a great addition to a Rainbow Curriculum.

Molly's Family by Nancy Garden (Author), Sharon Wooding (Author)
PreSchool-Grade 1-To get ready for kindergarten Open School Night, Molly draws a picture of her family to hang on the wall-herself, Mommy, Mama Lu, and their puppy. After seeing the picture, her classmates tell her, "No one has two mommies." Despite her teacher's efforts to be supportive, the child is still concerned. That night, her parents explain, "we decided we had so much love that we wanted to share it with a baby." Thus, one of them is her birth mother; the other an adoptive parent. Still, Molly leaves her drawing home the next day. With further matter-of-fact reassurance by her teacher and the budding understanding that all families are different, Molly, and indeed the whole class, grows to accept her own family, and she proudly hangs her picture on the wall. While the children in the story are not shy about expressing their feelings, the author diffuses any tension by remaining focused on logic: Molly's family is as she claims. By tying this specific household to the general diversity within all families, Garden manages to celebrate them all. The soft colored-pencil drawings with their many realistic details depict a room full of active kindergartners. There is a squat sweetness to the characters as they work together to make everything look and feel right.

ABC A Family Alphabet Book by Bobbie Combs (Author), Desiree Keane (Illustrator), Brian Rappa (Illustrator)
It's family fun from A to Z in this alphabet book that shows kids and their parents laughing, playing and enjoying family life. All of the brilliant watercolors depict families headed by gays and lesbians. "C is for cookies. Both of my dads know how to make great chocolate chip cookies." "L is for lunch. We always pack a picnic lunch when my moms take me to the beach."

It's Okay to Be Different by Todd Parr (Author)
For anyone who ever doubted it, Todd Parr is here to tell us all that it's okay to be different. With his signature artistic style, featuring brightly colored, childlike figures outlined in heavy black, Parr shows readers over and over that just about anything goes. From the sensitive ("It's okay to be adopted"--the accompanying illustration shows a kangaroo with a puppy in her pouch) to the downright silly ("It's okay to eat macaroni and cheese in the bathtub"), kids of every shape, size, color, family makeup, and background will feel included in this gentle, witty book. In this simple, playful celebration of diversity, Parr doesn't need to hammer readers over the head with his message.

Families by Susan Kuklin (Illustrator)
Kindergarten-Grade 4–This book consists of interviews with the children from 15 different families, including mixed-race, immigrant, gay, lesbian, and divorced, as well as single parents and families for whom religion is a focal point. The children may be adopted, have special needs, be only children or have multiple siblings, and, of course, the characteristics frequently overlap. The interviews focus on the youngsters' feelings about being part of their family: adults do not interfere. The voices are natural, and the children come across as individuals, not just representative of a particular lifestyle or ethnic group. According to an author's note, Kuklin allowed her subjects to choose how they would be photographed, including the clothing worn and what family mementos would be shown. Working with those constraints, Kuklin has composed sharp and vibrant photos that capture the essence of each of them. This book will be both attractive to browsers and an excellent impetus for discussing relationships and diversity in America.

The Different Dragon by Jennifer Bryan (Author), Danamarie Hosler (Illustrator)
This bedtime story about bedtime stories shows how the wonderful care and curiosity of a little boy, with some help from his willing moms, can lead to magical and unexpected places. Join Noah and his cat, Diva, on this nighttime adventure and you too will leave with an unforgettable new dragon friend!

Flying Free
A picture book for children of LGBT and diverse families. Flying Free is narrated by a firefly captured by a five-year-old girl named Violet. Violet plans to use the firefly as her very own nightlight. Her mommies, Mommy Blue and Mama Red, go along with the idea, but the firefly refuses to live in a glass jar. After several attempts, the firefly devises the ultimate escape plan. . .what will her fate be? Flying Free is suitable for children age 2-6.

Felicia's Favorite Story by Leslea Newman (Author), Adriana Romo (Illustrator)
PreSchool-Grade 1-In a story set in a loving family with two women as parents, a little girl asks for her favorite bedtime story-the tale of how she became part of the family. As Felicia asks questions and fills in the blanks, her mothers playfully relate the tale of their decision to share their love by bringing her into their lives. The gentle, rhythmic text perfectly mirrors the give-and-take that occurs with preschoolers when parents extend the story: Did they decide to adopt a giraffe, a mouse, or a baby? Did they take a boat or a car to Guatemala to pick her up? Was she as small as a button or a cookie when she was a baby? In the cozy conclusion to her own story and the book itself, Felicia's moms tell her that her name means "happy" in Spanish-a feeling shared by all. Each piece of art is framed by a stylistic geometric border reminiscent of stained glass. The smiling child and parents are drawn in a somewhat static style that is softened by the use of pastel colored pencils. This is a comforting book for children in alternative families as well as a pleasant tale for all children who rejoice in sharing their own life story.

Mom And Mum Are Getting Married by Ken Setterington (Author), Alice Priestly (Illustrator)
Kindergarten-Grade 3–Rosie's two mothers are going to get married. When Mom tells her daughter about their plans, the youngster asks if she can be a bridesmaid or a flower girl, but Mom just wants a small celebration. Rosie offers another option–she and her brother, Jack, will carry the rings. Predictably, when the big day arrives, the rings are temporarily misplaced (by the couple). Rosie comes up with a solution to prevent them from getting lost a second time, and the wedding comes off without a hitch. "A perfect day," says Mum. The ink-and-colored pencil drawings are somewhat flat but colorful. While the story is slight and not particularly engaging, libraries needing to augment their collections on gay lifestyles may want to consider it.–

Babysitting

A came to visit this weekend, and we celebrated Christmas together since we haven't seen her since October. She got me two children's books - And Tango Makes Three and One Grain of Rice. I love And Tango Makes Three because its true and a beautiful story. I've never heard of One Grain of Rice, but it was the perfect book for K and I. It's an Indian mathematical folklore, combining K's heritage and my career. A said that when she found it, she had to buy it for us because it was just so perfect.

We surprised A with babysitting B & E. Hopefully she enjoyed it. We thought she wouldn't mind because she likes kids... We enjoyed it at least. We cooked them dinner, then I watched Scooby Doo with them while K cleaned up (we made a HUGE mess with dinner), then B read from And Tango Makes Three for all of us. Then they went to bed, two hours past their bedtime, and J & S came to pick them up 15 minutes later. Not a complete success, but not bad.

We went to bed telling each other that we're going to make great moms. Then I woke up oozing with what I think was egg white fertile mucus. It was just pooring out of me. This is supposed to indicate that I am ovulating, which doesn't make since because it's only the 11th day of my cycle and my temperatures are still low. I'm starting to doubt that I can truly track my ovulation.

Lobbying for same-sex marriage

For the past few years the state of MD has been involved in a court case in which 9 couples sued the government for the right to marry. It took years, went through the various levels of court, and was finally decided a few months a go by one vote in the state supreme court that same-sex couples do not have a constitutional right to marry.

In response this year a bill has been introduced that would make same sex marriage legal. We went down with some members of our church to a large statewide rally in front of the capital building last night, and then met with our state senator and two of our three delegates. We are very lucky to live where we do. All of our delegates and our senator sponsor the bill. The lead sponsor in the senate is our senator Jamie Raskin and he is very outspoken on this issue. We basically went to thank them for their support. Friends of ours in more conservative counties didn't have it as easy. Our friends A and C, C who is big and pregnant, went into a few sessions with people that said, basically, to a pregnant woman, I'm sorry, I don't support you and your family. That sucks. So we're thankful for where we live, and for the people who represent us. And we're thankful for the people that lobby with delegates that are unfriendly.

According to our delegates and senator, we are close to being able to get this passed, at least as civil unions. I'd take civil unions. Hell, I'd take anything, which is more than what I've got now. But I don't have my hopes up. I let myself get too hopeful with the court case, and that just led to depression. So for now I'm just watching and hoping C and her big belly made an impact on someone important last night.

Aren't you so excited?

Our friends AW & CW were having dinner with our other friends CS & DS on Saturday. CW is pregnant and due in April. We're all very excited for AW & CW. However, according to CW, they were not talking about babies or anything related and CS turned to CW and said "Aren't you so excited that J & K are going to have a baby?" We love CS! She is so sweet. Hopefully we will have a baby soon for her.

Other people's kids

I don't always like other people's kids. All of the running around and screaming and crying and whining can get on your nerves quick. Some people love all kids, but I am certainly not one of those people. However, I think we've realized that we like our friends kids. If someone is interesting enough to be our friends, they tend to raise interesting children. The kids we like the most are B & E. B is a 7 year old boy and E is a 5 year old girl, and they belong to our friends J & S.

We saw them at church on Sunday. I walked up to the two kids and B said "We're drinking coffee. I drink coffee and non-alcoholic beer. Ask my dad." Then he brings his dad over and says "Dad, don't I drink coffee and non-alcoholic beer?" And the dad says "Yeah, but tell J why you are drinking coffee." And B says "Because it's too early for whiskey." HUH?

B had a Hillary sticker on. I asked if he was voting for Hillary and he said yes. I asked E who she was voting for and she said "I can't decide. Both candidates are so good." I agree, E, I agree.

These are the kids I want. They are fun. They make me laugh. They are well-behaved. They make me happy. How do we raise our kids as well as J & S have raised theirs?

Baby clothes

Saturday there was a clothing swap in the church across from our condo. We went and picked up some clothes for ourselves and then scanned the baby clothes for our friends A & C who are due in April. Basically, I picked up anything that was clean and got a nice bag full of free clothes for them. I was looking at the clothes and thought, wow, is anyone ever really this small? So cute! One piece made me pause. It was a green onesie that said "Angel cutie" on the front. Our dog is named Angel and we call her cutie all of the time. I thought that this was the perfect piece for our baby. OUR BABY?! We don't have a baby, we're not even trying to get pregnant yet. I mentioned to K that I thought we should keep it and she said, no, we shouldn't. And she's right, and we gave the outfit with the others to A & C. We shouldn't start to gather things for our baby until we actually have a baby to gather things for. It's like bad luck or something. But I really wanted that cute little outfit.

Coworker Babies

My coworker friend L and his wife C have been trying on their own to get pregnant for over a year. L said if they don't get pregnant by June, they will go to a fertility clinic to try to speed things along (I think they could do a few things on their own more than just have sex and hope for the best, but whatever). My other coworker friend I is a single man who is planning to use a surrogate to have a baby. The process will take about 1.5 years. So it's possible that two friends of our will have babies around the time that we do, which is kind of cool. Also, our nonwork friends A & C are giving birth in April to their first, so their baby will be over a year old by the time ours is born, which is still cool. We're learning a lot from them. So we're basically going from not having any friends who are parents to having a handful who are expecting/trying at the same time we are. It's nice to have people to talk to.

Tired

We are so tired. We're always doing something, running around. We have been out every night this week, but last night I couldn't even remember what we did on Monday (I now remember that it was yoga). Yoga, condo board meeting, birthday dinner with friends. Tonight we were invited to dinner with the LGBT group in our church, but we're turning them down because we are tired. This is why we had our home-bound vacation this weekend, to stay home and do absolutely nothing. But then we started the week back with a vengence.

Today the alarm went off at 6:30, we reset it to 7am, then at 7am we just went back to sleep. Our poor dog really needed to go to the bathroom, but we were too tired to care. But then I remembered that I have a 9:30 meeting at work, and that finally got us out of bed.

We keep trying to figure out what we do that we could cut. But the things we do are important. Yoga's good for our health. We could skip the condo board meetings, but then what if only the crazy contingent shows up, and starts running the place? We can't miss friends' birthdays, and besides, those kinds of things are things we need to help destress.

So how do we add a baby to this mess? What can we remove from our hectic schedules to make room for baby? How can we find the energy required to take care of a baby?

Juno

A few weeks ago we saw the movie Juno. Great movie, as everyone else has already said. I love Michael Cera. Afterwards, one of the friends we saw it with asked if movies about pregnancy seemed different now that I want to get pregnant. I said that no, teenage pregnancy had nothing to do with my life, so I didn't feel much. At least not now. Maybe that would be different if I was actually pregnant.

However, I do find myself gravitating to movies about pregnancy now more than I used to. Like Netflix recommended to me The Business of Being Born, crazily because I said that I liked the movie Cry Baby. That was a great movie. The scenes where Ricki Lake drank Johnny Depp's tears and where she licks the glass that separates them in prison stuck themselves forever in my 12-year-old mind. But somehow I think the audience for Cry Baby and The Business of Being Born are different. Maybe not. Maybe we've grown up and so has Ricki Lake. Anyway, I don't think this would have interested me previously, but now it's near the top of my queue. I also added some movies that I saw in friends' queues - Making Grace and Casa de los Babys. And if something else comes along, I'll probably add that too.

It's like when we were planning our wedding. I started watching all of those cheesy wedding planning shows on the Style network, and tearing up sometimes. Thank god for Logo and that short lived wedding show with Scott Thompson (my favorite Kid in the Hall), and for Bravo and the Gay Weddings series. After our wedding, those Style network shows had little appeal. But you get caught up. At least I do. K never found those shows interesting. I'm sure if we had cable now, I'd be watching Baby Stories on Discovery Health. I tried watching Notes from the Underbelly the other night. That show is horrible. That's what the insult "Television writing" means.

Babies are scary!

My friend A keeps her emails forever, and just sent me this email that I wrote in 2004 after visiting my sister's 9 week old baby. I still think this stuff is true, actually.


> Actually, I am kind of scared. They're easily broken, and they just
> lay there limply, and if you don't hold them right, there head just
> falls backwards. Then when I was feeding R, he wouldn't eat, so I
> tried to burp him and he wouldn't burp, then he started crying. So I
> gave him to my mom. But they are cute, and they smell nice, and least
> until they go to the bathroom. Why does it come out green when it
> goes in white? As you can tell, I haven't spent that much time with
> babies. Should be interesting when we decide to have our own.

Thankful to be a woman

It's hard to get pregnant if you are two women. We need the sperm, and usually getting pregnant requires some medical intervention. I've heard of women who spend thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant. But with all of that, I'd still say we have it easy.

I have a friend who is a single male. He wants to be a father. His only options are surrogacy or adoption. He's been told by many people that he won't be able to adopt. A single man on his own will be seen as having impure thoughts about children. So he feels that surrogacy is his only option. This costs around $70-120K by the time you buy the egg, hire the surrogate, pay the lawyers. And it's much more risky legally, and illegal in some states.

So we women are lucky. All we need is the sperm. Men need the womb, which is much harder to get. Count your many blessings, as I used to sing as a little girl in church.

Insurance

I changed insurance this year, and starting January 1 the new insurance went into affect. It's now Jan. 10, but I don't have an insurance card yet. I started the year wanting to make a lot of doctors appointments and use my new insurance - the fertility clinic, the physical and blood work at the primary doctor, a dentist appointment, get a dermatologist to look at my moles. I don't have the card yet. I called last week and asked where my card is, and they said, of course it's on it's way. But I still don't have it.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with the fertility clinic. I don't expect this process to be covered by my insurance, but it would be nice to try. I heard from a friend who was a single mom by choice that her insurance didn't cover fertility unless you are a married couple who has been trying to get pregnant for five years. We don't meet that criteria, so we plan to pay for this on our own. On the clinics website it says they will do the work of dealing with my insurance for me. Maybe they know how to get around the system. Otherwise, there goes the saving account...

I'm lucky enough that my job provides four insurance options depending on what your willing to pay. Until now, I've not been willing to pay anything, so I've had the free HMO, which everyone says is for healthy people only. In fact, I've heard some horror stories about people at work that had this HMO when they gave birth. These may be total fabrications on their part*, but I changed insurance this year anyway. So now I have a POS for which I pay $80 a month. That's a lot of money. I guess that's our first expense for the baby making, but we won't even count this one. Tomorrow's fertility consultation definitely counts.

*Total fabrication on your part - Andy Kaufman. Look him up! K and I say this all of the time because we think we are funny.

Normalcy

Last night I spoke to our good friend A. She said that her mom was asking when we were going to have children. It's so nice when people think of us as a normal couple, with the same expectations they would have of an opposite-sex couple.