Family (Not mine this time)

Our friend P came over Saturday night. I cooked him dinner because he was depressed about family issues and thought I could understand. He has a southern family just like mine and we've commiserated in the past. He's a single gay man and decided recently that he's never talking to his family again. He's been putting up with them for 13 years since he came out and he's not going to put up with them anymore.

I told him about how I didn't talk to my family for 1.5 years after I came out. I told them I wouldn't compromise for them. They would either accept me or lose me. They tried to wait me out, but when they saw that I was serious, they came around. Now they accept me and my family and treat us like people or they don't see us. They aren't perfect, but they certainly come a long way.

There is a long history of gay people who don't talk to their parents. It's hard, but we have to stop needing them for anything - no emotional support, no bonding, no love, no advice, no money. Once you get yourself to that place where you really don't need them, then you let them into your lives or not. It's your choice. You never let yourself feel guilty when they say that you are a bad person for not including them in your lives. You're not guilty - they are. If they treated you better, you'd let them back in. And if you do let them back in, it's always as an accessory to your life. You have to have a full life without them. You don't need them and you're okay without them.

This is not easy, of course, and it requires a community of friends that you can count on like family. And it requires having people who understand you. This is why P & I need each other. This is why GLB people need each other. We know what it's like to be rejected. We know what it's like to have a wedding that our parents don't attend. That our sister attends but then later complains about. We know what it's like to tell our parents we're going to have children and have them react poorly. We know what it's like to be told not to bring your partner around. We know what it's like to be told you are a pervert, likened to a child molester, by your own parents. No one who is not GLB could ever understand this, and they may tell you that you need to give your family a break. They are wrong. You need to take care of yourself first. This is why GLB people refer to each other as 'family'. We need each other and we don't have anyone else.

But it's not just GLB people who need to stick together. Southerners do to. Around here people are liberal and grew up with diversity. People are shocked with the racism, homophobia, sexism, close-mindedness, and alcoholism that comes with being a part of a southern family. When we moved from FL to IA for grad school, people said 'how are an interracial, same-sex couple going to fair in IA?' Very well, actually. Midwesterners are not diverse - IA is like 96% white. But they aren't close-minded. Southerners are very big on conformity, but Midwesterners are more hands-off. You don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you what to do. Such a relief from the conformity of diverse FL. Of course, nothing was better than moving to the DC area - diverse and liberal and open-minded! Anyway, P & I have a shared experience that few people understand. We need each other. We are family.

Religion

When I tell people that I was raised Southern Baptist, they say "Oooh...". But I say, no, not that Southern Baptist. I was raised as a part of the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship, a liberal off-shoot of the Southern Baptist Church. How liberal? I don't know. I was just a kid in a non-political family, so I don't really know the church stance on various political issues. I do know that my minister was a wonderful man. He spoke at my grandfather's (Papa's) funeral when I was 18. My grandma (Granny), a Catholic, was worried because Papa was anti-religion. Where did he go when he died? The minister gave a sermon at the funeral which I will always remember. He said that God is love. That God is not concerned with if you go to church. God is concerned with what you do, how you live your life. I didn't know it at the time, but that's liberal religion.

Now I'm a Unitarian Universalist, but not because I'm not a Christian. My partner was raised Hindu/Muslim, and we needed a church home that was big enough to encompass all of our beliefs. We also wanted a church that supported our family as a same-sex couple, and knew that Christian, Hindu, and Muslim churches traditionally would not be supportive.

My childhood minister died when I was 19, about 6 months after Papa. My dog died a few weeks later. It was a hard year. I didn't come out until I fell in love with K, when I was 21. What would he think? What would he say? I imagine he wouldn't be supportive. The website for the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship is vague regarding their support of gay-issues. In a way, I'm glad he's not here to reject me. It would hurt too much.

In college I attending a church that was a part of the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship that was even more liberal. They had female Deacons, my home church did not. Around the time that I was considering my own sexuality there was a Sunday school discussion about homosexuality. It was the kinder, gentler approach to homosexuality as a sin, but it still left me uneasy. Not long after I stopped attending and also quit the Baptist Campus Ministries (I was the secretary, so this was a big deal for me). I talked to the head of our campus baptist group when I quit. She was a deacon at that church. I told her that I was uncomfortable with the church views on homosexuality. I didn't say I was thinking about homosexuality myself - I hadn't said this outloud to anyone yet - but I'm sure she guessed. She said that did not think homosexuality was a sin and that she had attended a few same-sex weddings. That made me feel better but I quit anyway.

I read this article in the Atlanta Journal yesterday about the recent Baptist Convention:http://www.ajc.com/search/content/opinion/stories/2008/02/12/baptistsed_0213.html Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter are trying to convince Baptists to be more inclusive. And there's a groups of Welcoming and Affirming Baptists pressing the issue. Good for them for sticking with it. I'm not strong enough to fight, but I'm glad they are. I still feel something strong for this religion, somewhere deep inside.

Sicko

We finally saw Sicko last night. It's been at the top of my netflix queue since it came out with "Long Wait" next to it. A coworker came by one day and said "You have to see Sicko!" I said "I'm trying!" So finally they sent it to me. That is a scary movie.

I don't know how I feel about universal health care. We have a British friend and some British family who say things aren't as rosy in England as they are portrayed. Like you have to wait months to see a doctor. And we all know the British have bad teeth! But we've got to have something better than what we have in America.

My parents are small business owners and growing up we had the worst insurance ever. We never went to the doctor unless it was absolutely necessary. I remember in middle school having a temperature of 104 and not going to the doctor because my mom wanted to see if it would go down. And our regular doctor was just the local walk-in clinic. I also remember my cousin breaking her arm and going to the hospital and only paying $25 to fix it because her dad worked for the county and had good health insurance. These things made an impact on me and I would always tell people that when I grew up, I wanted a job with benefits. It's a strange thing for a kid to say, but the insurance thing made an impact on me early in my life.

But after watching Sicko, it's like maybe just having insurance isn't enough if they can deny your claims. Watching it made me thankful that I changed insurance. Kaiser, my old insurance, invented HMOs, and are very good at denying coverage and keeping their money. I've heard this before and it's why I switched insurance before I even starting trying to get pregnant. And I switched to a POS, which just has to be better than an HMO, but they are still in it for the money, so I'm sure you can still get fucked.

Mom-in-law

I have a crazy mother-in-law. She wasn't born in America, so I have to write some of her oddities off to cultural differences. However, I still think, even after all of that, that she says/does some crazy things. She lives in FL, we live in MD, so there are some safe distances between us most of the time. She is Indian-Guyanese, and as I've learned from my many Asian friends, Asian families have fewer boundaries - your house is their house. K's grandmother basically lived with her three children for various amounts of time for the last 20-30 years of her life. She had her own home, but would go and stay with one of her children for months at a time, just to be closer to them, I guess.

The problem with the Mom-in-law is that she only has one child, K. We visit her in FL at least once a year, and she comes to visit us at least once a year. Our visits with her tend to be very short. Only two days for the past Christmas. She complains - why so short, why can't you stay longer? She has no understanding of vacation time. She is retired (has been retired for most of her life, actually), and so when she comes, it's for weeks at a time. Her last visit was last May for three weeks. She booked it saying "I'm going to visit my family in NY while I'm there to see you so I'll book a long time" but then when she got here, we said "when are you going to NY?" and she said "I'm not going to NY, why do you ask?" She just stayed the full three weeks with us. She never calls before booking her trip to see if we have plans. She just calls to say "I just booked these tickets, so I'm coming."

She hasn't been feeling well lately. Last night on the phone she specifically asked to talk to me to tell me about her woes. She said she would like to come stay with us for about a month and just sleep. Stifle a groan, that sounds great... A month would her longest visit. Her visits usually try my nerves. But I feel guilty. She is truly the only parent who supports us as a family. K's dad certainly doesn't, and we all know about my parents. And K is her only child, and we moved away from her. And there is the whole Asian culture - my house/your house - thing. But she's crazy, and she says negative things about me and my home (only in the nicest way, of course), and she's dramatic, and she's a lot to handle.

K told her to come. I told her to call us before she booked the tickets because we've got stuff going on and we aren't cancelling planned vacations. But then I sent her an email this morning encouraging her to come soon because I was secretly thinking that I don't want her here when start trying to get pregnant. It's enough to deal with our emotions, we can't deal with hers. And she used to be a nurse (back when she worked a LONG time ago) so she thinks she an expert on all things medical. I don't want her advice on this. And I want to be relaxed and just having her here stresses me out.

Family continued

My family did come after all, wearing their shoes, of course. It was a fine visit, hopefully adding more to the 'they're not so bad after all' thinking in their mind. They even talked about the next time they come, though I'm sure that won't be anytime soon.

For Christmas they got us what we asked for - a closet organization system for the baby room. And then they came and installed it this weekend. So at least we got something usefull out of them. And the closet is so nice now! I can't wait to go in there and put things away.

Now all we need to buy before we have kids is a new car, a new TV, a desk, and a bigger bed with a platform with drawers. Oh, that's all?

Family

My family is totally fucked up. My parents are small town and so white and Baptist and conservative and hunters/fishers and scared, so scared. We are big city, interracial, Unitarian Universalists with eastern religious influences, a same-sex couple, vegetarian - so everything that they are afraid of. We push them so far out of their comfort zone, and as they get older, all they want is to be comfortable.

They've came to visit us only once since college. When we bought our home almost a year ago, I put them on the spot and said "When will you come to see my new home?" They finally agreed to come this coming weekend. They've bought the plane tickets and arranged to leave work and everything. I was talking to my mom on Sunday to finalize the details and mentioned to her that we don't wear shoes in our home because of Indian tradition. She said okay and seemed fine. Then on Monday I got this email:



We have a problem with our visit. I talked to Dad about our conversation last night.
He doesn't like your no shoes rule. He doesn't want to worship Indian cultures.
You either have to accept us as us or not. We're not veggatarians, we're not Indian etc.
We are what we are, and always will be, and we like it. We are you parents and you invited us to visit, knowing what we are. If you're ok with this and you want us to visit, wonderful, nothing else said, if not, call Dad's cell phone and let him know what you want him to do.
Mom



Crazy, right? This is obviously about so much more than shoes. It's like shoes are the only thing they can fight back about.

I keep thinking things will be better between us when we have children, because my parents love babies. But I don't know. How will they handle their little brown grandchild?

Reactions

We've been trying to tell everyone now that we are trying so that they can get over the shock and be ready with the congratulations when we finally say we're pregnant. This was a big goal over the holidays with the families. We've been saying to our parents for years "when we have kids..." just to get them used to the idea, but now we told them we are actually trying.

My parents have the reaction they always have when I bring up kids. They just get silent and stop talking. They'll get used to it when there is an actual baby involved, I'm sure. I mentioned it to my sister in an email once and she never responded, but I think she's too wrapped up in her own life to even care.

I told some close family friends, essentially my aunt and uncle that we did everything with when I was a kid. The husband paused, and said "Really?". Then he thought for a moment and said, "Yeah, you can't really go through life without having kids, can you?" then tried to convince us to name our son after him. I'll call this one a good reaction.

I told my aunt in a letter. She didn't say anything about it, but for Christmas she handmade us two stuffed animals.

I told my partner's mom. My partner is an only child and her mom really wants grandkids, so she's always been very excited. She told me that we should get Pakistani sperm. I said, "But K's Indian, so we should get Indian sperm." She said, matter-of-fact, "No, K's Pakistani, just look at her features." And I said, "How can K be Pakistani if you are Indian?" And she said "I'm Indian, yes, but I think her grandfather on her father's side must have been Pakistani. How else would K look so Pakistani?" And I thought, why did I do this while K is in the shower? I always forget how crazy that woman is, but at least she's supportive.

We told K's aunt and young cousins. The aunt is always supportive. She is a nurse, so she said "I know this is rude to ask, but I have to know how you plan to do it." At least she knew it was rude to ask. Most people don't.

We also sent Christmas cards to our state legislators with pictures of our family, saying that 2008 is a year of hope, where we hope to expand our family and we hope for the passage of the Marriage Protection and Religious Freedom Act before our baby is born. We received a response from only one, Jamie Raskin, who mentioned that his kids are of babysitting age if we need it. And that, along with many other reasons, is why that man will have my vote forever, for whatever he runs for.

So now everyone knows. They can sit with that information and get used to it. No one can say we didn't warn them.