Irrational fear

For the last week I've been consumed by irrational fear. I fear that my baby is dead. There is no reason to think this, except that I don't feel pregnant. K looked it up online and found that lots of women feel this in the 2nd trimester. I no longer feel nauseous or overwhelmingly tired. My breasts aren't tender anymore. I haven't felt the baby yet (and won't for sometime). How do I know things are okay? I've always said I'm not worried - I'm leaving that up to K. But now I'm worried and I know it's irrational. Luckily we have a midwife appointment on Wednesday, but that seems like ages away.

You won't be able to sleep!

I was talking to two people in our church that I don't know very well, N and C. N gave birth in a hospital with a midwife, and was raving about the experience. She was saying that she really liked knowing that if anything went wrong, there is backup there as needed. It gave her peace of mind. And she said the two days in the postpartum room were wonderful - she was able to sleep without worrying about anything. She said that it was really the best way for her to go. This made me feel good because this is what we are doing - hospital birth with a midwife.

C gave birth with our midwives at the birthing center that is now closed. C overheard me telling N that I am really looking forward to the two days in postpartum and that the thought of having those two days before bringing the baby home makes me feel really peaceful and less nervous about the whole thing. C interrupted the conversation to say that my ideas about hospital births were wrong - in the two days following birth the nurses will come in and poke and prod me and not let me sleep. It will be a horrible experience. And then she said "I guess I shouldn't be telling you this - the birthing center is closed. You really have no choice."

I thought this was incredibly rude. This woman has never given birth in a hospital, so she really doesn't know what she is talking about. N, speaking from experience, said it was fabulous. And really, it doesn't matter. You should be supportive of whatever options a woman chooses. It's her body.

So that's what was wrong with me...

I called my midwife yesterday since I'm still sick and it's been over a week. She reviewed again the meds I can take, and recommended a Neti Pot, which I bought last night but haven't used yet because it looks gross and hard to use. She also added Sudafed to the list of approved meds, so I think I'm going to try that right now. She then said Benedryl, which I said didn't work so well for me the first time I tried it. And she said that for most people Benedryl puts them to sleep, but for some people it makes them nervous and anxious. Which explains why I couldn't sleep over Thanksgiving - I just laid there in bed with my head spinning, nervous and anxious like when I take Midol, which has a lot of caffeine. The anxiety probably contributed to all of the tears, on top of lack of sleep. I've taken Benedryl before, and it always knocks me out, but I guess everything changes when you are pregnant. No more Benedryl for me - I hate that anxious feeling.

Remote access

I haven't been to work in two days, but that doesn't mean my deadline for Monday slips. So I took this as an opportunity to finally get permission to have remote access to work from home sometimes. My boss approved it today and my coworker set up my computer and now I can log on and work away, still in my pjs. Off to work I go.

Drugs

I'm 16 weeks pregnant today. For the first 15 weeks I successfully avoided all drugs. This week everything fell apart. I took Zofran on Thursday and Sunday for motion sickness while driving 7 hours to and from TN. Thursday night I took Benedryl to help with my cold (it didn't help). From Friday on I've been taking Robutussin every 4 hours (this does help). Starting last night I've been taking regular strength Tylenol every 6 hours for my aches and pains from this cold (or maybe from just lying in bed for so long). What else can I throw at this baby?

I'm 30!

I made it over the threshold. My birthday was yesterday. I was at work, very sick and very tired from the long thanksgiving weekend. But I was at work because I didn't want to be thought of as a slacker who takes the Monday after Thanksgiving off and pretends to be sick. I was coughing a lot, so everyone is aware that I'm sick, so I went ahead and took today off. If I can't take drugs, I think I needs lots of sleep.

So my birthday could have totally sucked, but K saved the day. She took the day off and spent it with me as much as possible. She brought be breakfast in bed (bagels with three candles). Then drove me to work, and met me later for lunch with flowers and balloons. We went to a Latin American cafe, where I had vegan orange chicken, and then walked over to a bakery, where I had a fruit tart. Then back to work until 4pm (I deserve to leave one hour early on my 30th birthday, right?). K picked me up and we went to the mall to spend my birthday money on maternity clothes. I bought leggings at Target so that I can wear all of the skirts I got from C in this cold weather, a pair of nice black pants from Old Navy, and a pair of nice grey pants from Motherhood Maternity. Then we had dinner at a nice Italian restaurant we'd never been to before - Baked Stuffed Eggplant is very tasty! Then home for presents and a dessert sampler platter from Whole Foods. Then in bed early because I'm sick and pregnant.

All in all, a good day. It's just the beginning, though. K is throwing me a 'Dirty South' birthday party on Saturday. Can't wait! I've got the best wife ever.

Thanksgiving

We traveled to rural TN for a family reunion. 12 adults and 7 children under 5 sharing one house with four bedrooms and 1.5 baths. It was crowded, and loud, and lots of fun. It was my family (parents, sister & family, cousin & family, K & I) and another family we grew up with (parents, 2 daughters and their two families). Only my sister and my parents knew we were pregnant, supposedly. When we arrived, we started telling people, and they kept saying "I know!" It seems my mom spread the word. Everyone except my cousin, who seemed offended to be the last one to know. Not my fault! My parents were acting like they were excited for a new grandchild, which is good news. My mom's talking about making her traditional Christmas stocking for the new baby next Christmas and my dad's hugging me and asking if it's a boy or a girl.

I was/still am really sick with a cold. We woke up at 4am on Thursday and drove 7 hours to TN. I was exhausted and sick. I was tired and grumpy through Thanksgiving and went to bed at 8:30. But we were sleeping on an inflatable mattress on the floor. It was cold (heat rises) and uncomfortable and I couldn't breathe because of the cold. So I didn't sleep much, and spent much of the night crying because I couldn't sleep, and praying for morning. When my mom got up at 6am, I joined her. And I sat at the kitchen table in the dark with her, crying. And I cried on and off until around 2pm. It was so embarrassing. If that is the only experience my family sees of me as a pregnant woman, they are going to think I'm handling it really poorly, when actually, I think mostly in public I'm doing okay in general.

My parents threw me a surprise party on Friday for my 30th birthday, which is today. There was some confusion and we needed to go to Wal-mart* and my brother-in-law and dad were going to Wal-mart but wouldn't let us go with them. Actually, they were buying me a cake. We got back after they did and my dad came out to apologize, saying he didn't know we wanted to go and he would've come with us and I broke down and sobbed and told him not to worry I just couldn't stop crying today and this really wasn't that upsetting to me. He looked really uncomfortable. Then we walk inside, and all the kids jumped out and yelled surprise and I started crying again. It's seriously embarrassing! It was a nice surprise. I got some nice baby related presents. My parents gave me money to buy maternity clothes (we're going to Old Navy tonight to see what's available). My sister gave us a Winnie the Pooh bath set, rubber ducky included.

My four year old nephew is very confused about this baby. He told me that when the baby comes out of my belly, he will have a little sister. I said "Well, actually, a little cousin." Later, he put his hand on my stomach to touch the baby and said "This reminds me of when I was in my mom's belly and my dad put his hand on her belly to feel me." And I said "I'm sure the baby is happy its cousin is saying hi." And he said "But maybe the baby thinks I'm its brother." We'll leave this one up to my sister to sort out!

We finally feel included in my family. We are the very last people to have children. Now that we're pregnant, and there is a baby on the way, it's like we are real. People can relate to us. Maybe it tells them that we are normal after all, and that we just want what everyone else wants. Whatever it means, it's nice.

*We normally don't go to Wal-mart out of principle, but this is rural TN, and if you need something, you have to go to Wal-mart.