Two Moms Make a Baby

Hot date

2010-06-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had a lunch date. A friend had given us a gift card for a meal and an offering of babysitting back in March. We finally took her up on it. Yesterday we counted the number of time's D has been baby sat. 14 times in 13 months. We clearly need to work on that since some of those were "Please babysit while I work" or "Please babysit because I have the stomach flu" and not enough of them were please babysit while I enjoy a nice quiet time with my wife. It's great to share a meal without having to make sure that 1) D is happy and not screaming, 2) D is eating, 3) D is not making too big of a mess. We just relaxed and talked to each other and enjoyed our good food.

We went to Great Sage Restaurant, a vegan restaurant with an interesting brunch menu. Since we had a big gift card, we splurged on a Reuben made of tempeh, Huevos Rancheros made of tofu, and for dessert, walnut praline pancakes. Yum!

Exploding in skills

2010-06-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

My baby girl is exploding in skills. It's amazing what happens at one year!

She's talking - each day a new word. Recently added words include all done, water, night night, up, doggie, Angel (our dog's name), apple, hi, duck, ball. By recently I mean in the last five days!
She's signing - in the past two weeks she's learned the signs for all done, milk, and please.
She's building with legos and blocks when before she just knocked things down.
She's mimicking everything we do.
She played peek-a-boo to entertain a five-month old baby!
She's learning to eat with a spoon and does a decent (though still quite messy) job of it.
She'll walk any day. Right now she just needs to hold on with one hand and she can walk for a long time.

I'm beaming with pride. Yesterday when she held up her hands and so clearly said 'Up' and I almost cried. I did cry a little when she said 'duck'. I wasn't prepared for her to learn everything in two weeks. I thought there would be more build up. It's amazing!

Back to the RE

2010-06-28T06:16:00.001-07:00

On Friday we went back to the RE for the first time since I was six weeks pregnant. She was very happy to see us and wanted to see baby pictures. Of course she said D was gorgeous. Her first question was 'Are you still breastfeeding?' I told her I was weaning and should be done by August. She said 'Okay, that's when we'll start.' Definitely got me motivated to wean.

Next cycle we will do an HSG x-ray to see if any tubes are blocked from scar tissue from my c-section, which happens maybe 20% of the time. If no tubes are blocked, then she doesn't see any reason that I will have difficulty getting pregnant. If tubes are blocked, well, then, we'll go from there.

Very good visit and now we are starting again!

Weaning progress

2010-06-28T06:12:00.001-07:00

This weekend I worked on eliminating the afternoon nursing session and it went pretty well. When she would ask to nurse I would offer her a sippy cup or some food and she happily took it, even while sitting in my lap. It seems she didn't want to nurse, she was just hungry. My breast were pretty full and in pain by Sunday morning but we worked through it and this morning I was less full. My body is adjusting. Next weekend we will work on eliminating the before nap nursing. I'm guessing that one will be more difficult.

This is my last week to pump at work. Just once per day to ease my body off of it. I've been doing this for a year. I don't even know what to do with all of this extra time now that I'm not pumping 4 times a day! Maybe that's why I'm blogging again.

Lost memories

2010-06-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

We went to FL to visit family for our daughter's first birthday. We visited my family first and then K's family (about 2.5 hours apart). Somewhere along the way our memory card got corrupted and we lost all the pictures from K's family, but somehow retained all of the pictures from my family. This is so sad. This was D's first time to meet her grandfather, she spent time with her grandma, aunt, older cousins, went to the beach, ate birthday cake. All of it is gone. We sent the card away for recovery and they were unable to recover it. We are going to try one more company but the chances are slim given the history so far. K's aunt took some pictures so we're going to try to get copies of those, but much of it will likely be lost. Very sad.

Closing the B&B

2010-06-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

We have a two bedroom condo. Space is tight but we're committed to making it work because we love the location. It's been working for us okay until recently when our toddler's toys got larger and larger (table & chairs, rocking horse, piano, walker, ride on car, play table). We've become over run with toys, and our toddler is running us over with toys, and our home is feeling smaller and smaller.

We have a futon in our toddler's room. It's an old futon and it was our bed for a year early in our relationship nine years ago when we were in grad school until we saved up enough money for a real bed. We keep it for company, which we've had a ton of in the past year since D was born - K's mom (3 times), D's godmother A (2 times), my parents (2 times), K's aunt and three teenage cousins, my sister & family, our friends from NY, maybe others I'm forgetting. We've been a revolving B&B (literally - I usually make breakfast for guests), and it's been awesome seeing everyone. If you want to see your family and friends, have a baby. But that seems to be tapering off. Last week A left and we don't have any plans for anyone to visit. My sister is coming in July but she's staying in a hotel (her husband thinks our home is too crowded for their family of four and he's probably right). K's mom is coming in the fall but nothing specific.

So we're closing the B&B. We're getting rid of the futon. We're moving D's big toys into her bedroom. D's room will be used for more than just sleeping and changing. We're reclaiming our living space. We're going to be able to breathe again.

But first we have to figure out how to get rid of the futon. Not in our small Honda Fit. Freecycle, anyone?

I'm back

2010-06-21T09:07:00.000-07:00

I'm back to blogging because I'm back at trying to conceive. Our first born is one and fabulous and makes us happy every day. And now we want to try to for number two. Trying to conceive makes me want to blog because I can't talk about it. We're not telling many that we are trying and once we get pregnant (fingers crossed) we won't be telling people for a while. And there are a lot of emotions/feelings around it, so I'm going to use this space to write them down. I don't know if there are any readers out there anymore. Maybe somebody who forgot remove me from their google reader will see this message and maybe even care what I have to say. Here are some thoughts I have roaming around my head.

1. I can't believe we are really starting this. There was this feeling of accomplishment after getting pregnant last night that was like 'oh, it's done. we won't have to do that again.' Last time there was such a build up, where I tracked my temperature and peed on sticks for months. This time it's like, oh, we're going to get started soon. I wonder if I even ovulate. The goal is to start trying late August/September. I tried peeing on sticks last month but we were on vacation and I could never get it right. So I'm trying again. I'm on day 12. No positive yet, but I would expect it in a couple of days based on my old cycle. I'm not taking my temperature since that just caused more stress than it provided information.

2. We have an appointment with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) this Friday. We haven't seen her since I was 6 weeks pregnant. I have a midwife appointment a few weeks later. I haven't seen them since my 6 week follow-up. This makes it seem really real.

3. We had always planned to wait a year and then start trying again. For the first 8-9 months this really scared me. I couldn't imagine being pregnant and caring for an infant. But then my baby got older and started sleeping through the night and things got easier. And I would see pregnant women and think "Wouldn't that be nice?" And these feelings really surprised me. I started longing to be pregnant again! And then two weeks ago our friends gave birth to a baby boy. And the mother started asking questions about her negative feelings about the baby and about lack of sleep and constant breastfeeding and I got a little scared again. But at least now I know that it really does get better, but wow, that's going to be hard.

4. I'm trying to wean baby #1 so that I can get pregnant easier. I feel that I've already got a hard time getting pregnant given that I'm using frozen sperm so I had better do everything I can to increase my chances. So far I'm reducing the amount of breast milk sent to daycare (supplementing with whole milk) and decreasing my pumping sessions at work. By the end of next week I should be done with pumping. Then we just need to deal with the home front. How do you put a baby to sleep without milk? Don't know, I've never tried it. I know it will be hard for a few weeks (we went through night weaning at about 9-10 months so we have an idea) but she'll get over it. I'm just dreading trying. I'm not as in love with nursing as a lot of people I know but there will be things I will miss. I won't miss pumping, or feeding in public, or stopping everything to feed her. I will miss waking up in the morning and bringing her to our bed and the three of us laying together while she nurses. This is my favorite part of the day. I will miss the cuddles because in general she's not very cuddly. She's too busy on the go. It's been a good/hard almost thirteen months of breastfeeding and it's time to move on.

5. Not on the baby making front, I'm in love with my one year old. She turned one just a few weeks ago. She's almost walking, she saying a few words, does a few signs. She's really developing a sense of humor. She's adventurous. She's my doll (as my grandpa used to call me). Here are a couple of recent pictures.

Loose Ends

2010-01-14T08:48:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted since June. My 7 month old baby is beautiful, well, and my sweet joy. There are so many things that I could post about, things I've thought about posting about, such as: postpartum depression (not full blown, but it was definitely something in the first couple of months), breastfeeding and lack of sleep in the first couple of months (and how this causes depression), acid reflux and trips to the hospital with a four week old baby, asthma, going back to work (the mixed feelings, the tears, the relief of having something to do each day), daycare (good day cares, bad day cares (really bad day cares), the trouble with finding a daycare), house guest after house guest, multiple long term visits from my mother-in-law, money woes, planning for #2, vacationing with a baby, solid foods, colds, sharing a room with the baby (and when it's time to stop), people's opinions (how they want to give them all of the time, and what they say when you don't agree), gallstone surgery & the stomach flu, the best Christmas of my life, trying to feed a very hungry six month old baby with a growing appetite and a depleting milk supply, decisions about shots, transitions to solids (the fun & joy, the new fears), the pressures of keeping up my milk supply while knowing I'm the only one that can, how wonderful baby smiles are, the beautiful sound of a baby laughing, who's the mom questions, the filthy state of our home, the lack of attention our dog gets, space issues with our tiny condo, a baby who probably won't crawl because she hates spending time on her tummy, how much fun it is now that she's aware and interactive and plays games and makes noises and expresses her opinion, how she looks at K and starts laughing right away (K's much funnier than I am), how she reaches for me (and me only) whenever she is upset and to put her back to sleep at night, how it's 7 months and she still wakes up 3 times a night to eat (and she's in the 75th percentile for height and weight), and many, many other things that we've experienced in the past 7 months. But sadly I don't think I will. I think my time with this blog has come to an end, which you probably guessed with my lack of posting. Thanks for being a part of my life for the past few years. Signing off.

Stuff

2009-06-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not online typing with two hands often, but since I am today, here's a post with lots of stuff in it. D is three weeks and 1 day and sleeping soundly in the swing.

SLEEP: Sleep is very important for daily functioning. I'm not getting enough. Since K went back to work after two weeks and that means that I get night duty all by myself. Before she went to work, I fed the baby, she burped the baby. Now I do it all. She wakes up around 12am, 3am, 4am, 5am, 7am. I'm awake for about an hour each time. It's not enough sleep. The general rule is sleep when the baby sleeps, but I can't seem to sleep unless someone else is home. I try to nap during the day, but I can't let myself fall asleep. On the weekends when K is home I get great naps, but not during the week. On Wed I sobbed when K got home. Last night I cried as I was doing the final breastfeeding before going to sleep (10pm). I was thinking about the night ahead and crying because I knew I wouldn't get enough sleep. I need to figure out how to get more sleep - this is not sustainable. But thankfully weekend is here and that means K gets night duties and I get to nap during the day.

2ND PARENT ADOPTION: We had everything we could set up before giving birth. On June 8 we submitted the final paperwork to our lawyer (notification of live birth, pediatrician letter, family photos) and signed all documents. Everything was submitted. It's possible we will have our adoption by the end of June if there are openings, but if not, then by the end July (they only do adoptions once per month). Our baby will be adopted by K before her 2nd month is complete. We really do have the best lawyer ever, and luckily for us she's only 2 blocks from our home.

SWING: We were given a hand-me-down swing on Tuesday night by someone from our church who we don't even know. She has a 6 month old and has promised to give us stuff as he outgrows it. She also gave us clothes, a my breast friend pillow, an activity play mat, breast milk storage backs. But the thing that we are getting the most use out of is the swing. I put her in it and she falls fast asleep. I'm eating breakfast without having to hold a baby, and now I'm using the computer. It's amazing. We had another swing but she likes this one much better. It's the Fisher Price Aquarium Swing and it's awesome.

FATHER'S DAY: We are spending Sunday with L, D's godfather. He'll get to celebrate Father's Day from now on.

GALL BLADDER: I've scheduled my surgery for July 22, when D is 8 weeks old. The midwife said I should wait at least 8 weeks, preferably longer, but I needed to do it before I went back to work at 12 weeks. But the surgeon is going on vacation so I had to do it at 8 weeks.

SPITTING UP: D spits up constantly. We are all covered in it. Night time is hard because we have to sit up with her 15-30 minutes after each feeding so she doesn't throw up in her sleep and choke on it. The pediatrician thinks I make a lot of milk and she drinks too much of it and spits it up because her stomach is too full. It's probably not reflux because she is gaining lots of weight. This frustrates me more than anything else about parenting. I feel like I try and try and burp and burp and then she spits up.

GREEN POOP: A week or so ago she had some green poop. This could be a food allergy or a hind milk/fore milk imbalance. So I'm off dairy as a test, which is really hard. We eat a lot of cheese, and we've been given two quiches and a lasagna, which K now has to eat and I still have to make myself dinner. Also, I'm trying to get her to eat the same breast more often before switching, which makes the other breast painful. Hopefully it's the foremilk/hindmilk thing and I can get back on dairy.

ALERT: She's super alert. The pediatrician said today that she is more alert than most babies her age. Also she's smiling. I think it's because she was born late and thus more developed than other babies.

I hear stirring. Time to hold the baby again.

Stealing the Boppy

2009-06-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

Our doggy steals the Boppy everytime we leave it behind.

Awesome baby gift

2009-06-16T13:11:00.000-07:00

My aunt made this awesome play mat. It arrived not long after the baby was born. It folds up and has handles and the toys are attached. It's definitely one of our favorite baby gifts.

One rule - Don't lick the baby!

2009-06-16T13:08:00.000-07:00

We want our dog to like our baby, so we don't want to constantly keep them apart or yell at the dog all of the time. But we do have one rule - don't lick the baby. This is a constant struggle. Our dog is always executing sneak attacks. She particularly likes the feet.

Baby bracelet

2009-06-16T12:59:00.000-07:00

On one of our many walks as we waited to go into labor, we went on a search for a baby bracelet, a tradition for all Indian babies. Excited after D was born, we tried to put it on her, but she's not quite ready for it yet...

Also shown - at our baby shower the kids decorated newborn onesies which have been really useful and fun though sadly she's outgrown them now.

Stinky

2009-06-16T12:58:00.001-07:00

Our dog lets us know when to change diapers...

Birth Story

2009-06-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

Here's the long and detailed birth story. Enjoy.

Birth Story of D
May 28, 2009
12:09am
7lbs 3oz.
20.5 in.

J: On May 26, we were 41 weeks pregnant. We had a midwife appointment at 8:15am to monitor D’s progress. This was the Tuesday following Memorial Day and we both really did not want to have to return to work after the long weekend. On the way to the appointment, I admitted my secret daydream that we would arrive to the appointment and they would say “This is it, you’re having this baby today. Head to the hospital.”

At the appointment, a vaginal exam found that I was 50% effaced and not dilated at all. The midwife C set up the Non-stress test to monitor the baby. One monitor measured contractions while the other measured the baby’s heartbeat. After 20 minutes of monitoring, C saw that the heart rate was decreasing at the start of every contraction. This was concerning, so she told us to head to the hospital for more monitoring. She said there was a 50-50 chance for inducing the baby that day. We were very excited and hopeful in the car.

Midwife S met us at the hospital, where we did another Non-stress test, this time for about 2 hours, and also a biophysical profile (an ultrasound). The Non-stress test found similar results and the biophysical profile found that the amniotic fluid was low. Both of these together concerned S enough that she thought we should go ahead and induce. She said “You’re going to have a baby!” and gave me a big hug. S is kind of sweet and grandmotherly and has the most experience out of the three midwives (25+ years). Then we checked into the hospital for the night.

Hospitals are a little weird about food and labor. Because there was a possibility for induction that day, the nurses would not allow me to eat any food. I ate breakfast before the midwife appointment and did not eat for the rest of the day. I kept asking for lunch at the hospital and the nurses would say “let’s wait for the results of your tests.” I was starving! When S said they were going to induce, I asked “Can I eat something?” S said “Yes, you need to eat. But don’t let the nurses see you.” Then she told K to sneak out and buy me some food and sneak it in. Thank god for midwives! K brought a Burrito Bowl from Chipotle and I scarfed it down in minutes, shoving it in before the nurses saw. Later that night S and C directed the hospital staff to allow me to eat and I was served dinner and breakfast the next day.

We started slow with the induction. Because I was not dilated, Cervadal was applied to my cervix at 5pm to work on starting dilation over night. The drug lasts for 12 hours. I was hooked up to fetal monitoring and ordered to lay on my side to measure the heartbeat for the rest of the night. I was given Ambian to sleep about 10pm because the midwife wanted to be sure I was well rested as tomorrow would be an exhausting day. Ambian was a first for me and I didn’t react well to it. I took the meds and then went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready for bed, but while standing in there, I got hit by a sudden wave of exhaustion and emotions. I said “I think I need to lie down right now.” Then I got into bed and starting sobbing. K asked why and I sobbed “I don’t know!” I felt like I was on a boat in constant motion.

K: The nurses came in and acknowledged that what J was feeling was definitely normal for Ambian. One nurse did say that given her height and weight, she probably should have been given a lower dose, but it was within range. After about a hour J did finally fall asleep, but she woke up during the night off and on. She got sleep, but it certainly wasn’t as restful as it could have been. I slept on a bench in the labor room. Because J was constantly being monitored, occasionally an alarm would sound that we figured meant something was abnormal about either the baby’s heartbeat or the contraction. The really annoying thing is that the alarm would go off forever unless you call the nurse to turn if off. After number 3 I got so annoyed I yelled into the intercom something not so nice. Before all this, J spoke to midwife C on the phone. That night was her rounds at the hospital and she called J to check in. What really amazed me was that C volunteered to come to the hospital and just stay with J overnight as the Cervadal worked, even though there was no reason as all J had to do was sleep and wait for the drugs to work. That was really sweet and nice reminder of why we went with midwives. J told her to get her sleep and that we’d see her in the morning.

J: We were awakened by the midwife C around 5am. The nurse on call had called her in because of some irregular heartbeats she noticed from all that constant monitoring. C said we should shower and eat breakfast because we had a big day ahead of us. L, our best friend and Godfather of our soon-to-be-born baby, arrived around 7am. He just moved to the area and he couldn‘t have come at a better time. He was on call to help us through labor.

The Cervadal had dilated me to 1cm so we had a lot of work to do to get this done.

K: J was pretty disappointed that after 12 hours of Cervadal she was only 1 cm. I wasn’t too disappointed, because labor doesn’t just happen the first time around. Things take time. So my job was to be positive about that 1 cm and get the momentum going about the day ahead of us. Sadly, because we had to do constant monitoring J (and me too!) couldn’t use the nice massage hot tubs!

J: I put on my pretty purple labor gown that K had given me and was ready for a big day. We were all kind of anxious because we didn’t know what to expect.

K: I bought J a Pretty Pushers Dressed Up Delivery gift set that included a designer hospital gown, a matching headband, some lip gloss, lemon moist-towelettes and massage oil. I highly recommend getting this as a gift for the pregnant woman in your life! J looked so pretty.

J: Pitocin was started around 9am. The goal was to dial it up to contractions every 2-3 minutes. No pain medication, so this was an ambitious goal for early labor, but we were afraid to slow things down with an epidural and the strong fast contractions were necessary to make the dilation happen. At first they were easy to handle and we even played a game of skip-bo. But by the end of the game, things started heating up.

K: Things were looking so relaxed in early labor that I asked L to take over while I went to the waiting room to make some phone calls. I took my time and made my way back through the secured labor and delivery doors when I saw L briskly walking toward me. He said that J was crying and that labor was getting harder. She wanted me to get back now.

J: Labor was hard. K and L helped me through strong, hard, and fast contractions for many hours. It was rough. I alternated between walking and hanging on them, squatting on the birth ball, and sitting upright on the bed when I needed rest. Because I was on constant monitoring, many of the labor techniques I had learned didn’t apply, and we couldn’t use the hot tubs that we were so excited about. We were really limited in pain management techniques, but kept trying anyway. C sat with me through most of it, rubbing my back, rubbing my feet. This is where we knew using the midwives was the best decision. Who else would sit with us through every bit of this? We never felt alone in this.

K: When things started getting hard I found myself overwhelmed by just how painful this was for J. I’ve always said that the hardest thing for me in all this would be to see the love my life in such terrible pain and that was certainly the case. I had to do some yoga breathing of my own to keep from tearing up at the sight of her struggling to keep up with her contractions. I would be helping her with positions and luckily she never looked at my face because I was so sad for those first 10 contractions. After that I think I started to get used to the pattern and the sadness started to subside. On a more humorous note, J got to a point where she banned talking during contractions. This was something that we took seriously at the time, but it’s given us a good laugh since! We used to joke that I would be the kind of woman to tell people to shut up during contractions (if I ever were pregnant and in labor), so it was funny to find that in the moment J was that kind of woman too!

J: Progress was slow and by 6pm we had only dilated to 2cm. C later said it was like active labor during early labor because of the pitocin. Because progress was so slow and labor was so hard, I grew increasingly frustrated. Every exam made me more disappointed and disheartened.

C was off duty at 7pm and returning the next night at 7pm. She said that she thought she might see this baby born the next night when she was here - that the baby wouldn’t be born for more than 24 hours. This added to my frustration. I couldn’t imagine doing this pitocin induced labor for another 24 hours. This along with my slow progress really started to bring my spirits down.

K: Now it was getting harder to be positive with J. She was spiraling and getting more and more disheartened and that was hard to deal with. All the positive talk and calming tones don’t work so well at this point. Every positive thing I had to say, she had something negative back at me.

J: Luckily the baby was handling the labor very well and not showing any other signs of heartbeat problems. The midwife said we needed to make things happen faster, so she wanted to break the bag of waters to get the contractions stronger. I was starting to freak out a little at this point. I said “I know what you are saying is right, but I can’t agree to making these contractions stronger. I’m too exhausted as it is.” But K said “We have no choice, we can’t keep doing this forever.” So we agreed and broke the water. There was meconium in the water, another indicator that the baby was stressed, but C thought the meconium looked old, like it was an indicator of past stress so she wasn’t too concerned but wanted to watch it.

The contractions came strong and fast at this point and I started to really freak out. I asked for some kind of pain medicine. C said “you weren’t planning on an epidural originally, were you?” Almost yelling, I said “I wasn’t planning on having a pitocin induced labor!”

K: To clarify, we weren’t really planning on anything. Of course labor without any drugs is the best for your baby, but it’s not necessarily prudent. We never came to this point thinking that we would or would not do anything--like some women automatically say they’re getting an epidural before going into labor and some women say the opposite. We did neither, but had our preference of doing what is best for the baby. To the midwife’s credit, she carefully reviewed our birth plan and wanted very much to abide by it and I really appreciate that. Of course, birth is flexible by nature and plans change, but the fact that she knew our preferences and wanted very much to honor that is something we appreciate.

J: The two options were an epidural, where I would feel nothing but the labor would be slowed down, or Nubain, which is a narcotic that takes the edge off but still allows for labor to progress. C said Nubain was better for early labor. This was discussed for what seemed like a really long time for me and I wasn‘t feeling mentally able to make any kinds of decisions. I felt like there was all of this talking and talking and in the mean time I kept having more and more contractions. Finally I said “I don’t know what to do, but we need to make a decision fast.” K said quickly “Let’s try the Nubain.”

K: I would have made the decision earlier for J, but I didn’t want to tell her what to do. My preference was to use neither, but if J wanted it I would have done Nubain first to see if that worked. I didn’t say anything, just waited for J to ask me what she should do and when she finally did we went with Nubian.

J: The Nubain worked okay. I was able to manage the contractions for a while. But the Nubain only lasts for an hour and when the contractions came back, they came back strong, stronger than before. At this point, I was practically begging for an epidural. It was time for a shift change for the midwives and S came back. As soon as she came in, C said to S, “She’s asking for an epidural.” S got things moving and the anesthesiologist came fairly quickly. At this point I was only 3 cm.

K: This was an interesting point for me. Because I really thought that J was not going to get an epidural. I’m not against an epidural and to the contrary we’ve joked that if I was the one who was pregnant that I’d probably just schedule a c-section (not really a joke, I would totally do that). So the fact that she was so intent on getting an epidural made me realize that she really needed it, because she would not have asked for it if she didn’t. We were still in early labor and her contractions were coming every 2-3 minutes, more intense than if the contractions had ramped up naturally. Actually, after reviewing some info on contractions post-labor, we found that when your contractions are 2-3 minutes apart that’s more like the transition phase of labor which is right before you should be birthing the baby, but of course we were still technically in early labor (where contractions should be much less challenging).

J: As C was leaving, she said “If this baby is born by midnight, it will be a girl. If it’s born by 7am, it’s a boy.” We’d been hearing a lot of these predictions so we just laughed this one off. S said many times throughout the night that she was convinced it was a girl. We’d spent most of our appointments with her and she was there for my gallstones emergency at the hospital, so she’d certainly spent enough time with us to get an idea.

I was pretty much gone at this point, barely able to handle each contraction, and I was really freaking out. The anesthesiologist came in jovial and telling jokes. I was practically yelling at him. L had to go in the hall during the procedure and he could hear me yelling out in the hall. The anesthesiologist made me change into a real hospital gown instead of my pretty purple dress--asshole.

The epidural was amazing. I didn’t feel any of the contractions from this point on. I went straight to sleep and K and L ate dinner and everyone relaxed a little bit. I could hear them talking and laughing but couldn’t focus on what they were saying because I was so exhausted. My legs were completely numb. I kept thinking that I should tell someone that my legs were numb, like that was something to be concerned with, but then I would remember that my legs were supposed to be numb. We were able to sleep/rest for a few hours.

K: The epidural was amazing -- we went from frantic and dazed to peaceful and calm. While J, of course, took the brunt of all this, L and I were exhausted as well. My back was aching from all the weight J put on me during the contractions. She would use me to sway back and forth, she would rest on my shoulders, lean on the back and front. Basically many of the labor positions we tried, and as her wife I wanted to be part of them all (not just asking L to always take over). But after so many hours my body was aching too and I was happy for the respite.

J: S monitored the baby as the contractions got stronger and saw the problems with the heart rate coming back. She placed an internal monitor to the baby’s head for a better read and got similar results. She came in and said she thought it was time to call it and do a c-section. This was around 10:30pm. When she said it, I was relieved. I thought, finally, this will be over. The doctor was called in from home and we prepared for the c-section. At this point I was only 4 cm dilated and 80% effaced.

K: I was so happy that we were doing an c-section. I felt bad for being happy about it, since this is major surgery but I was relieved. I was happy that our baby was finally going to be on the outside and it didn’t matter to me (it never did) how she got there. I was worried that recovery of the c-section would be hard, but that was a thought for later. Our baby was soon to be born!

J: K put on scrubs. The doctor came in and introduced himself, wearing his casual clothes. All of this is kind of vague to me. I was basically exhausted and relieved and didn’t care much more about what happened next as long as the baby was safe. The anesthesiologist came back in to expand my epidural. The normal labor epidural makes you numb from the waist down, the c-section epidural makes you numb from the shoulders down.

My bed was wheeled into the operating room. K had to wait in the recovery room until right before the procedure. The room was super bright and cold and there were a lot of people in there, none of them introduced themselves to me. The doctor was there, and S was there. She seemed to be there to interpret things for me - everything that was done to me she would explain to me what was happening and why. They tied me to the metal table. A man was soft and gentle, but I don’t know what his role was. A curtain was hung directly in front of my face. K was brought in and sat on a stool next to my head.

The operation was strange. I was awake but completely numb. It felt like at the dentist when you feel what’s happening but feel no pain. There was a lot of pressure. The weirdest part was when they pushed the baby out. The incision is a small hole just below my belly, just big enough for a baby to fit through. The baby is pushed through the hole and you can feel the pushing. I thought I was going to puke, but didn’t of course.

Then at some point I heard a baby cry. I asked “Is that our baby?” The anesthesiologist yelled “It’s a baby girl!” K asked“What time was she born?“ People in the room asked around - what time, what time? Someone said “12:09”. K was allowed to go see the baby as she was examined and cleaned up. She was allowed to hold the baby and she brought her over to me. I was still being stitched up and was still tied to the operating table. I wanted to see the baby but was also very uncomfortable. I felt very guilty - I knew I should want to see the baby but I was so uncomfortable. S said she knew it was going to be a girl.

K: I brought the baby over to J and put her just within reach so J could stroke her face while still tied to the operating table. She seemed happy to have that moment, but also deep in concentration as she was still in surgery. So D and I just sat there offering our support to Mommy.

J: I was transferred onto another table then wheeled into the recovery room. D was put in between my legs and traveled with us. I started shivering uncontrollably. S said I should breastfeed. I was shivering too much to feel comfortable holding my baby. I said that I couldn’t. S said that I didn’t need to do anything, just stay still and let her have my breast. She placed the baby to the breast and got her to feed while I dozed on and off and shivered.

K: Our original birth plan included the baby being put to J’s breast directly after birth. Of course with a c-section that wasn’t possible, but D was put on J’s breast as soon as possible (probably a half hour later).

J: The nurse gave me Demoral for the shivering. I kept shivering and asked S if the nurse really gave me Demoral because I wasn’t feeling any different. S assured me that the medicine was given. Then I asked if they removed my placenta during the c-section. I was afraid I would have to birth that, but S assured me that it was removed as well.

S told me that she was happy I had an epidural. She said she didn’t think there was any way this baby was going to come out naturally. She thought I was trying to push a square peg through a round hole - that the baby was just too big for me. She had actually told me this at my very first vaginal exam - that she was concerned my pelvis was too small. With 25+ years of experience, she probably knows what she’s talking about.

K: In retrospect, this may have been partly our fault (though haven’t talked to the midwives about it). We chose a donor who is the average height for a man (5’10”) and who has parents and grandparents who are even taller. D was born at 20.5 inches. Maybe our donor is a little too big for J’s body. Unfortunately, South Asian men are hard to come by in terms of sperm donors so our pool was slim.

J: S gave me a hug and a kiss and left for the night, as soon as D was cleared and I was ready to transfer to postpartum.

The nurses took the baby for a bath and took me to the postpartum room.

K: I was asked if I wanted to go with the baby and oversee (I guess) her bath. I felt absolutely no guilt at saying no. I wanted to stay with J and make sure that she was okay first and I would do the same thing over again.

J: It was about 2:30 am. K went to find L who had spent this time packing up our stuff (we moved in, practically) and I said “Find our baby! I haven’t held her yet.” L and K came back to the room and I said “Where’s the baby? I haven’t held her yet!” K said they had her in the warmer and they’d bring her in when she was warmer. A nurse came in and I told her I wanted to see my baby. She said the same thing K said. I was feeling frantic because it had been a few hours and I hadn’t held my baby yet. When she was first born, I didn’t want to hold her because I was so uncomfortable, but now I couldn’t think of anything else. Finally the nurse brought her into the room in a bassinet and I said “Let me have her!” K handed her to me and I held my baby for the first time and it was amazing.

K: Right after D’s birth I was on a deadline. I had 2 hours from birth to call the cord blood bank courier about packaging and picking up D’s cord blood to have it air mailed to California where it will be stored. Because this was so important and because we had to get it right, that’s all I could think about. Until L and I got that package placed in the courier’s hand, I was preoccupied. I know J was anxious about D, but I couldn’t concentrate on her.

J: L slept in the fold out sofa and K slept in the recliner. The bassinet was placed next to my bed and neither K nor I slept that night. Every time she made a noise, I told K to get up and investigate. I couldn’t walk (I couldn’t even feel my legs) or I probably would have stood next to that crib the entire night.
_____________________________________________________________________________________NOTES
We really appreciated how well the midwives wanted to stick our birth plan. After S said we needed to do an emergency c-section all our other preferences went out the door. However, she still strived to meet our preferences even in our changed situation. For example, K got to be in the operating room right beside J. As soon as the baby was born our original preference was for K to “catch” the baby as it came out. As soon as the doctor got the baby out of J’s belly, D was carried over to the warmer and S led K directly over right away to see our baby. K couldn’t touch until the pediatrician and nurses were done cleaning her (they called in a special Neonatologist), but as soon as they were done K got to hold her baby first as planned. (The baby’s Apgar score was a 9--so actually very healthy.) Then K brought D up to J while the operation was still going on and J could touch her and see her beautiful face. The original plan was after catching the baby, the baby would be placed on J’s chest for breastfeeding right away. Given we had a c-section we couldn’t do that. However, as soon as the operation was done (as it’s a quick procedure) the baby joined us on J’s bed and we were taken to a recovery room where S helped D to breastfeed from J. J was out of it and shaking uncontrollably (happens to vaginal births too, related to hormones) but S wanted us to have that experience and more importantly to start off as best we could with breastfeeding with D. While things didn’t go as planned, our preferences (before, during and after the c-section) were respected and that made all the difference in terms of our how we view this experience.

We really trust the midwives and that made this whole process so easy for us. In our childbirth class all the partners kept talking about their roles being to be really informed and having to constantly fight for a vaginal birth (as opposed to just automatically going for a c-section). Since we really trusted the midwives, we never felt like we had to fight for anything or even had to be that knowledgeable of the process ahead of time. They always explained everything really well, always let us ask tons of questions and were really supportive through everything. We knew that when S said we needed a c-section, we needed a c-section. There was no question. Having talked to other women due around the same time as us, they were being pressured into c-sections and really had to fight to wait it out. One even said they found out that (after the fact) her doctor always had a birth on his birthday, and so she was induced! We surrounded ourselves with professionals we trusted and just let go. We will definitely use the midwives again, though likely to co-manage another c-section.

We are in love with Shady Grove Hospital. Everything was so nice. We live 2 miles away from our local hospital, but it was totally worth the extra miles to give birth at Shady Grove. Everything was new, all the nurses and staff were excellent. They all treated us so well. There was Mom (J) and the other Mom (K). Many would refer to us as the mommies, etc. We felt really welcomed there and that’s an important thing to feel during such a huge life event.

The Birth Partner by Patty Simkin was an excellent book and I highly recommend it for partners. It really helped me be useful for J--to help guide her through contractions, help her find the right positions and help her focus on her breathing and remaining calm. Of course, with a c-section I didn’t have to do anything but through the 14 hours of labor I was happy I had the knowledge from that book. In particular, I’ve never thought of childbirth for myself and always (even very young) assumed I would just adopt. As a same-sex couple we then had 2 uteruses; J really wanted to be pregnant and I really wanted an Indian baby so I found myself having to go through conception, pregnancy and childbirth after all. I couldn’t have done the latter and most challenging part without this book, it really helped me through something I never wanted to experience in the first place.

With that said, pregnancy and childbirth is fine but having the baby is the best part. Some women feel really tied to the experience of childbirth. So many women who have told us their birth stories would recount all the bad things that happened and how they hated this or hated that about their experience. I don't think we hated anything about our experience because the point of all this is to have the baby. We got pregnant in the first place because we wanted a baby--not to share in some sacred experience of women all over the world. Having that viewpoint made it easy for us to let go and just let things happen during birth. So in that respect, we had a wonderful birth experience and we're very blessed to have a healthy, beautiful baby.
And now with writing our birth story, we are happy to close this chapter of our lives. For 9 months we've been hearing nothing but birth stories from everyone, strangers alike, and by like month 4 we were totally over it. We're so happy to have pregnancy and birth behind us--now we're onto the fun part!

Rough morning

2009-06-16T12:03:00.000-07:00

Last night was a rough night. I ate cabbage for lunch yesterday and I think it made little D gassy (actually, both of us were a little gassy...). She fussed all night and we got little sleep. I was planning to go to the La Leche League meeting this morning at 10am. I woke up tired around 8:30 and had about an hour to get both of us ready to go. I breast fed, took a quick shower, breast fed some more, got dressed, got D dressed, and shoved down my breakfast. It looked like we were going to make it. But then I couldn't find my cell phone (I still haven't found it). And D wouldn't stop spitting up - all over me and her. I put her in the stroller and she spit up and then started screaming. And I groaned, "Oh no, don't scream the whole way there" and then I started crying.

But there was no time for crying and I sucked it up and got on the road. She did scream the whole way there. I got to the community center and found the room, but no one was there. I asked at the front desk and she said "Why don't you feed that baby?" Um, I will, but I need to find my meeting, please. She checks it out and says "I'm sorry but La Leche League meets on Wednesdays." Great. Then she opens the room anyway because she really wants me to feed that baby, and I start to do so, crying a little. But then this woman come for her quilters group which meets in that room.

So they opened another room just for me to feed my baby, and I sit there until she's fed and then go home. And I'll do it all again tomorrow, but hopefully it will go a little better.

All Alone

2009-06-12T12:23:00.001-07:00

Today we are alone for the first time. K's mom flew into town the day our daughter was born and stayed for two weeks, leaving on Tuesday. Our best friend and the baby's godmother A arrived on Tuesday and left yesterday. We've never been alone in our home with our baby. It's actually kind of nice - just our family. Luckily for me K is working from home right now or I think this would be very hard for me, but instead it's quite enjoyable. We just stay home together - K working, me being domestic and breastfeeding. It also helps that we have a lot of food in the fridge thanks to K's mom and friends from church. Last night we had vegetable lasagna and for lunch today we had vegetable curry. Tonight we'll probably have fried rice. All in the fridge. We're doing okay. This baby is certainly hard and sometimes scary but we're doing okay. Our baby turned two weeks old yesterday.

On a completely different note, I stink. My underarms stink after just a short walk outside, and this happens daily. They've never stunk this much before in my life, even after vigorous workouts. I've been noticing it for the last week. I guess this is related to hormones. It doesn't help that I often forget to wear deodorant. I can't remember everything these days, and that seems to be the one I forget.

Oops!

2009-06-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

Oops, yesterday I published the birth story before K was finished writing it. So then I took it down. You'll have to wait to see the real thing. Sorry K! I'm just an eager beaver!

Normalcy

2009-06-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

Today I feel normal. Despite a rough morning which left me and the baby covered in spit up (like soaking in it) and despite the fact that I'm typing this one-handed while my daughter nurses, I feel good today. Today, for the first time in two weeks, I took a shower, put mousse in my hair, put on a nice dress, and put on deodorant. I'm clean, I look good, and I smell good.

Many women told me I would mourn being pregnant. I don't. The last month of pregnancy kind of sucks - tired, sick, large, hot. The only thing I miss is the obviousness of it - The random smiles and congrats from strangers, people holding doors and carrying things for me. But even that gets old. And I don't miss the unwelcome comments from people about my body size.

Instead I love being a mom. This was why I was pregnant after all. I love looking at my daughter's perfectness. I love the way she smells. I don't mind the spit up and the sleeplessness.

Some random thoughts

2009-06-02T18:27:00.000-07:00

My breasts are bigger than my baby's head. It's amazing how big these things are. I look down at them while breastfeeding and wonder whose breast they are.
My breasts are no longer my own. They are things used for feeding. There is nothing sexual or private about them. I have shown them to more people than I can count including three friends and K's mom, none of whom I would have considered showing them to a week ago. In the hospital, I spoke to many doctors, nurses, midwives, lactation consultants, people who deliver the food, etc. while naked from the top up. Sometimes breastfeeding, which doesn't feel too bad because you are mostly covered by the baby. But sometimes while pumping, which just feels really weird - you are completed exposed and pumping. Those were probably the time I was most embarrassed. I thought it was over when I left the hospital, but we went to the pediatrician yesterday and had questions about breastfeeding. She said 'let's give it a try and see how it looks.' I hesitated a little and then pulled out my breast and fed my baby during the rest of the appointment. I long for modesty.
I love the hospital. Advocates of birthing centers and home births told me that hospitals are horrible because you are poked and prodded and get no rest. I disagree - hospitals are fabulous. They care for you, they answer the many baby related questions you have, they feed you, they do the massive amounts of baby laundry that piles up, they provide you with diapers, wipes, etc. - all you need to care for the baby, they take your baby a few hours at night to give you sleep, they provide you with unlimited lactation support for free. The place is amazing. We didn't want to leave. And luckily with the c-section we got to stay a long time.
Breastfeeding on demand is a lot of work. Not work, really, but time consuming. I can't do anything but breastfeed. Today I went through stretches of feeding every half hour. I fed during dinner. I feed all night long. I'm cranky from not being able to do anything. She's sleeping now which means I get a break, but also that when we are ready for bed, she'll be wide awake and wanting to eat.
Baby's go through a lot of laundry. They spit up on the new clothes you just dressed them in, they have juicy poop explosions. In just two days at home we had a whole load of laundry just from the baby, and each one needed to be stain treated.

Birth!

2009-05-31T18:50:00.000-07:00

We are the proud parents of a four day old (almost) baby girl. She was born at 41 weeks and 2 days, emergency induction followed by emergency c-section. It was hard but in the end we have a healthy baby girl. 7 1bs 3 oz, 20.5 inches. We just got home from the hospital today and we are exhausted and not looking forward to another sleepless night, this time without nurses to relieve us to let us sleep for a few hours. But we can't complain too much when we look into the eyes of our beautiful baby, currently sleeping on K's chest in the rocking chair while K sings My Darling Clementine softly.

More info to come. Now I must go pump, breastfeed, and try to nap for an hour or so until I do it all again, if the baby lets me. Good night everyone.

Oh, and I forgot the best part

2009-05-19T12:50:00.000-07:00

I also have a yeast infection. I need to start taking Monostat today. Otherwise the baby will be given thrush during birth.

From Dr. Google:

What is thrush?
Thrush is a yeast infection that causes white patches in the mouth and on the tongue. Thrush is most common in babies and older adults, but it can occur at any age.

Doesn't sound fun for the baby. I certainly don't want my baby born with this.

40 week midwife appointment

2009-05-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

Today we are forty weeks. We went to the midwife this morning. The baby is still healthy, everything seems fine. I have dropped a lot. Last week, when I was at -2 station, my uterus was measuring 37.5 cm. Today it measured 35 cm, the first time it has shrunk, an indication of how much the baby has dropped. But she didn't give an estimate of the station. This midwife is much less quantitative than the other. She also said the cervix was soft, but didn't give a percentage effaced. I'm guessing fully? But the cervix is closed up tight - no dilation. So no baby yet.

Last week the baby was slightly to my right side. So I've been doing the yoga positions cat/cow and child's pose all week to try to move the baby to the center. Today the baby was completely to my right side, in a worse position than last week. Basically we are headed for back labor. She said to spend more time on my hands and knees, but I feel like I've been doing that all week and not only have gone nowhere with it, but have gone backwards. This in particular was very disappointing to me.

We made a plan for the next two weeks which we hopefully won't need. Next appointment in 1 week on the 26th at 41 weeks. At that appointment we will do a Non Stress Test. Then on the 28th we go in for a Biophysical profile. Then back on the 29th for another Non Stress Test. Then induced on June 1, just 1 day shy of 42 weeks. So by June 1st or 2nd we will have a baby.

I asked what induction means. I will check into the hospital on June 1. If there is no dilation, they will apply something to my cervix (I don't remember what it's called) and let it sit overnight. Then the next day start Pitocin. If there is some dilation, they will just start me on Pitocin.

This means that we may get this Memorial Day weekend to celebrate before the baby is born. This is the good. We're trying to think of some low key and local ways to celebrate together.

This also means that K's mom may be here for the birth. This is the bad. This thought stresses me out more than any other. She's trying when I'm in my best of moods.

This also means possibly weeks of coworkers coming by daily to see if I'm still here. Yes, I'm still here. Today is my due date. Half of all births occur after the due date, so it's not shocking that I'm still here. No, I'm not going to stay home for the next few weeks. That sounds excruciating and there is no medical reason to do so. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I'm nervous. Yes, I'm tired. They all mean well, but one after another is a lot. The women are pushy, the men are tentative. The women say things like "I can't believe you are still here!" The men tip toe into my office and say softly, like I'm sick in bed, "How are you feeling?" Two women stopped by today and I finally said to them, "Hey, you've both given birth. You know what it's like. Don't pressure me." I'm sure I've been the annoying coworker, but I vow, never again!

Here's my google research:

About dropping/lightening: It cannot be directly linked to indicating that labor will start within a certain window but it usually occurs up to two weeks before labor in 65% of first-time moms. Although it can't pinpoint the beginning of labor, it is a sign that things are headed in the right direction.Read more: "Lightening During Pregnancy as an Early Sign of Labor" - http://www.givingbirthnaturally.com/lightening-during-pregnancy.html#ixzz0Fym4TZUg&A

So if I dropped sometime before last Monday, I should have the baby sometime before next Monday (if I'm like 65% of other first time moms) or sometime later (if I'm like 35% of first-time moms).

About the Fetal non-Stress test: The test involves attaching one belt to the mother’s abdomen to measure fetal heart rate and another belt to measure contractions. Movement, heart rate and “reactivity” of heart rate to movement is measured for 20-30 minutes. If the baby does not move, it does not necessarily indicate that there is a problem; the baby could just be asleep. A nurse may use a small “buzzer” to wake the baby for the remainder of the test. The test can indicate if the baby is not receiving enough oxygen because of placental or umbilical cord problems; it can also indicate other types of fetal distress.

About the Biophysical Profile: A biophysical profile (BPP) test measures the health of your baby (fetus) during pregnancy. The BPP measures your baby's heart rate, muscle tone, movement, breathing, and the amount of amniotic fluid around your baby. Special ultrasound methods are used to keep track of movement, increases in heart rate with movement (nonstress test), muscle tone, breathing rate, and the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding your baby. If these five areas are within a normal range, your baby is considered to be in good health.

Shifting due date

2009-05-18T08:09:00.000-07:00

When we first got pregnant, we were told by the RE that the due date was May 16. That's the one we've been counting on and telling everyone. That's the one that came and went on Saturday. We did everything we could on Saturday to encourage this baby to come, but it didn't. We walked, got pedicures, swung on the swing set in the park, at spicy food, ate tropical fruit. Our friend A was in town from NC visiting. She and L were there for conception and it would be awesome if they were both there for birth. But then she had to go home. I cried on Sunday. I really believed it would have happened by then. I've been thinking about about May 16 since the middle of September.

But somewhere along the way the midwives changed the due date to May 19. That's tomorrow. In the last month I've been telling everyone my due date was May 19 because I figured it would feel better to have a later date in case I was late. I was right. Being late doesn't feel good. But then I remind myself that I'm not late. I'm not due until tomorrow.

But then I talked to my mom yesterday. She said she was 5 days late with my sister, her first, and 1 day late with me. Five days from the new due date would be Sunday, May 23. I think I'm going to start considering May 23 my due date in my head so that I don't feel like I've missed something.

Tomorrow is our midwife appointment. We were hoping not to have to attend this one, but chances are we will. At our last appointment she said that at our next appointment we would discuss a plan for if this baby is late. Looks like we're going to need that plan.

K's mom is coming on May 27. That's 8 days past the due date. We really wanted her to come after the baby is born because she would drive both K and I crazy during delivery. She has a lot of opinions and a lot of advice, and we disagree with all of it. But now, 8 days late, that doesn't seem so unreasonable. She may be here for the birth and if she is, we really can't shut her out. She's grandma and she flew in from FL. I've got my fingers crossed that the baby comes before then.

She called on Saturday to check in and told me that she is sending vibes for us not to have this baby for at least another week. She thinks it needs to cook more. Get nice and large. It was already 6 lbs 9 oz three weeks ago. I think that the baby is plenty big. I said that I don't want to wait that long and I don't want to give birth to a large baby because it will just be hard and have complications. She said 'No, you'll just have an episiotomy and it will come right out.' Ugh, I would like to avoid an episiotomy please. I finally convinced her (I think) to send positive thoughts for a baby any day. This was just one crazy part of a crazy conversation with a crazy old lady.

Now I'm at work and everyone keeps stopping by to see if I'm still here. I am. And I'll likely be here all week. Please stop reminding me that it sucks, okay?

One week

2009-05-12T13:39:00.000-07:00

I am one week from my due date. I've answered that question a million times today, and a million times yesterday. Coworkers, friends, complete strangers. I'm thinking of getting a countdown sign and wearing it on my chest. Today it says 7, tomorrow 6, etc. Then I won't have to answer. Of course, I'll still get the follow-up questions - are you excited? are you nervous? are you uncomfortable? are you tired? are you ready? yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Of course my favorite is from coworkers - oh, you're still here, I was wondering if you would be here today. I'm thinking - yes, I was wondering too, I wonder every day, but I'm still here, so let's work.

Dressing is getting harder and harder. Today I'm wearing an outfit I really don't like. It's not professional at all. I would never wear this to work, especially not on a Tuesday. A pink t-shirt, black capris, and black flip flops. But the pants fit, and few do, and the t-shirt covers my belly, which few do anymore, and is kind of thin, so I won't get too hot. And flip flops are all I'm wearing right now because of my swollen feet. So this is my outfit today. This is the first day I've had to just wear something, whatever, and not care. As I was getting dressed this morning, I thought, I'm 39 weeks pregnant - everyone will understand. I hope that's true.

I'm pretty much finished with my work. I have a report to work on that I really was hoping to push off until after maternity leave, but I think I may have to start on it now since I may be here for a few more weeks and can't just sit around and I seem to have finished all of my other tasks. But first I think I'll clean my office - put that work off for a little longer. And maybe I'll go into labor tonight and none of this will matter.

39 week midwife appointment

2009-05-11T13:31:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow we are officially 39 weeks. Today we had our midwife appointment. All looks good. She said the baby is at -2 station, so it's moving into position but not there yet. She hasn't done a vaginal exam since 36 weeks, so we don't know what kind of progress is being made down there. My uterus is measuring between 37 and 38 weeks and I've lost a pound. Slow growth, which she said is normal at this point, and good because we don't want the baby to get too big. I concur.

I've been taking oil of evening primrose to soften my cervix for 2 weeks now. She advised me to also start drinking red raspberry leaf tea as well. Ugh, I hate tea. I tried drinking tea to increase my fertility but gagged on it every time. Still, I went to Whole Foods this morning and bought some. I'll try anything to get this baby out.

The baby is laying on my right side, not the ideal position but not the worst. She said I should start doing cat/cows and always lean forward when I'm sitting. I know this, and I've been trying since I got to 36 weeks, but sitting forward takes a lot of energy when I just want to lay back. And cat/cows usually make me nauseous. But like I said, I'll try because I want this to go easy.

Last night I had the strongest contractions yet for about an hour. They felt like a really bad period cramp, the kind that makes you lay in bed, but the pain came and went, unlike a period which gives you no release. We were hoping it meant that it was time, but then they went away. I probably have a lot more of those episodes to look forward to before the real thing comes.

During the contractions the baby was super active, like way more than normal and for the entire hour. The midwife and the Internet said this was normal. It must be exhausting for the baby to go through labor if that's how the baby reacts to contractions. Also, it's pretty exhausting for me because the baby is kicking up a storm during and between contractions so even though the contractions came and went, the baby just kept going.

A coworker in another department is 34 weeks pregnant. Her department throws baby showers before the baby is born, mine throws them afterwards. So today I attended her baby shower even though I haven't attended mine yet. I felt bad upstaging her because I'm due in a week and she's due in 7 weeks. But she got the big gift card, so in the end, I'm sure she's happy.

The AC in my office is broken. Four people have come by to say how much that must suck for me. I've been offered two offices. Tomorrow I may take them up on it. I'm sweating like crazy and I stink.

An Indian tradition is that all babies wear gold bracelets. K was going to hand hers down, but found out it's broken. We asked her crazy mother to buy one for us in India on her recent trip but instead she bought a Buddha charm and said to tie it around the baby's wrist. K pointed out that this is a major choking hazard - crazy lady. So yesterday we went shopping. We started at the Indian jeweler, who sells them for $450. Ouch, that's a little steep. After shopping around a lot of places, we bought one at a little jewelry kiosk in the mall for $50. Much better.

So now we really are ready to bring this baby home. Nothing left to do but wait. Oh, and K still needs to clean the kitchen and the car. I'd offer to help but I'm pretty useless. I do plan to do some laundry tonight though. I need to wash the few pairs of pants I have left that fit so I have something to wear to work.

So this is what life without medicine is like...

2009-05-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

I've been taking allergy medicine like pretty much my whole life. I got pregnant in the fall. I was sniffly, sneezy, congested but not too bad. Then winter came and I felt pretty good. I'd still have trouble around cats or particularly dusty places, but since these were rare, in general I felt good. I thought maybe my allergies had gone away like they sometimes do for lucky pregnant women. My mom lost all of her allergies when pregnant with me and they never came back.

But then spring arrived. And bam, I am sick. I am so congested I have trouble sleeping, my throat is constantly sore, I'm tired and light headed, I'm coughing, I have a head ache. Is this what I'd have been like for years if I hadn't been taking my medicine? I think it's my allergies. Everyone is complaining about allergies. But maybe it's a cold. Who knows? How would I know and what would I do differently anyway?

The good news - it was just pointed out to me that the ticker has reached the single digits.

38 week midwife appointment

2009-05-06T06:55:00.001-07:00

Yesterday we were officially 38 weeks and we had our midwife appointment. All looks good. The results of my ultrasound and blood work came back normal, so the pain that I'm in is 'just one of those things'. About the back pain, she basically said 'just hang in there'. I asked 'when's this baby gonna be born?' She laughed and said 'probably not when you want it to.' I've gained 23 pounds so far and measure 37 cm. I measured 37 last week too, but she says that's typical in the last few weeks - baby doesn't grow as quickly and settles in lower into your pelvis. So all is good and I'm 'just hanging in there.'

I went out for Mexican with some co-workers for lunch to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Since I wanted to eat healthy, and I was really tired and thought I could use a protein boost, I ordered the Mexican cheese omelet, which came with beans, rice, salsa, and guacamole. Nice and healthy, nothing too special. Then back at the office I snacked on an apple, a pineapple cup, and some peanuts and headed out of work around 5pm feeling fine.

However, as soon as I got in my car and started driving (in the rain for my 30 min commute), I started feeling horrible. Halfway home, in the rain, I pulled over in the emergency lane of the interstate, and puked. A big, horrible, probably gall stone related puke. All my peanuts, all my Mexican food, everything I'd had all day. I haven't had this issue since I went to the hospital, back in February. And there I was on the side of the road trying to figure out how to get home. I waited a few minutes, then decided to keep on trucking. I drove home sucking ginger candy and tums and blasting the AC, driving in the rain and feeling horrible. I was very thankful that the rain didn't cause a long commute home like it normally does. At home, K took care of me. I layed down all night and today I feel okay. Hopefully I can make it home without puking today. That's my goal.

And again I say it. Let's just have this baby already.

The Happiest Baby on the Block

2009-05-04T13:33:00.000-07:00

A & C loaned us this DVD and we finally got around to watching it on Sunday. It spells a a technique for calming your baby. It looked really amazingly helpful. We couldn't practice the techniques yet of course so I can't say definitely that it works, but the babies on the DVD seemed to calm down right away. We wrote a post-it note of the five steps so that we could remember them in the throws of a crying fit. The five S's:

1. Swaddle

2. Put them on their side

3. Shush loudly in their ear

4. Swing or jiggle them

5. Give them something to suck on

If it doesn't work, keep trying. Sounds good to me. I'll try anything to stop a crying baby. On Thursday we babysat for A&C for only about 2 hours, but K screamed for .5 an hour. We couldn't figure out how to make him stop. He's a year and much too old for this technique, so I still don't know what would have calmed him. But the experience was enough to remind me that a screaming baby can drive you mad very quickly.

Unrelated - while babysitting, we had to change his diaper. We removed a BumGenius and replaced it with a Fuzzi Buns. Fuzzi Buns was more confusing than the BumGenius and we weren't sure how to put it on. Turns out we put it on backwards. Between this and the screaming, we've got a lot to learn about babies!

New babies

2009-05-04T06:37:00.001-07:00

Two babies were born this weekend. I hope that I'm the next to go, and I hope that it's soon. The first we know through friends of friends in real life. They were 1 week late and make me nervous about being late. Also they had a rough birthing experience which I haven't heard about yet but also makes me nervous. I want it all to happen soon and with smooth sailing.(http://1invermillion.wordpress.com/2009/05/02/the-cupcake-is-done/)

Which brings me to the other birth. I only know this couple from their blog. Their due date was one day after our adjusted due date (the midwives are now saying it's probably May 19 instead of May 16 - this couple was due May 20). They went into labor over 2 weeks early and it sounds like it went smooth and easy. This couple give me hope. (http://loveplusloveequalsmarriage.blogspot.com/2009/05/its-boy.html).

My boss

2009-05-04T06:33:00.000-07:00

I just saw my boss, the head VP, in the hall. He asked how I was doing and I said "Tired, and I have a back ache that won't quit. I'm ready for this to be over." He asked how much longer and I told him two more weeks until my due date, but really it could be anytime in the next four weeks. Then he said "I've been meaning to ask you - what happens if you go into labor at work? Do we have a plan?" I told him that D and I have both volunteered to take me to the hospital and they have all of the details on doctors and stuff, and that my secretary E knows to find them if I need them. And he said "Good, I wanted to make sure we had some kind of plan." It's good to know my boss is thinking about this and worrying about me. And now that he knows the plan he can help find D and I if needed as well.

Emotional and in pain

2009-05-04T05:58:00.000-07:00

Since Friday I have been full of raging hormones. I cry over everything. This weekend I cried because we don't know the name of our son if we have one, K wanted to get rid of a bowl she gave me when I started my job 6 years ago, my back hurt, I couldn't do much to help around the house, K takes such good care of me, and many tears that I couldn't even define (K asking "why are you crying?" my response "I don't know"). It's like the first trimester all over again, maybe worse. K is very supportive, which I cried about (a blubbery mess sobbing "you're so good to me, you take such good care of me").

For about two weeks I've been suffering from a back ache. I've done what I can to correct it (no more heels, sitting on a pillow in the car, sitting in only hard chairs or on the floor, no more sofas). All of this was helping for a while but starting Friday it just won't go away. I wake up okay but by midday I am in pain. On Friday we were at Borders buying a 'teach your baby French' CD and I couldn't take it. I was leaning on everything and I was grumpy. We came home and I burst in tears saying that I've put up with a lot in the last few months but this back ache is too much. Then Saturday we were cleaning the house and the back ache started again. I was lying on the floor crying about the pain. Laying down on my left side is the only thing that seems to relieve it. K basically told me not to do anything else and just to rest while she spring cleaned the bathroom (she hates to clean the bathroom so this was a really big deal). We were having our friend L over for dinner Saturday night and I was going to cook, but we decided to go out instead. Sunday all I did was rest, lying down, and the back ache was pretty minimal, though the emotions were strong, and I cried a lot, I think because I didn't do anything all day. Wow, I can't imagine what forced bed rest must do to you.

Now I'm back to work and already the back ache has begun. I just popped some Tylenol and I hope that gives me relief. I can't just lie down here like I've been doing at home all weekend. Maybe tomorrow I'll bring my heating pad.

On other notes, we did get our car seat installation and inspection done Saturday. Now we really are ready to have this baby. I'll be 38 weeks tomorrow. I'm in pain and crying constantly so sooner is better than later. Let's do this thing.

37 week midwife appointment

2009-05-01T11:14:00.001-07:00

Our 37 week midwife appointment was Wednesday. Again we reviewed the plans if we go into labor - when to call, what to do. I've gained 21 pounds so far, and no weight gain since last week, so all is good. Measuring 37 cm just like I should.

I was complaining about a pain in my back for about week and a new pain in my abdomen, both on my left side. The midwife said this could be my kidney and wanted to check it out. So Thursday I had an ultrasound and today blood tests. The ultrasound on the kidney showed no issues and if the blood work comes back okay, then this is just one of those pregnancy things.

But the fun thing was that while we were there anyway, we got to do an OB sonogram as well, so we got to see the baby for the first time since the 20 week ultrasound. The baby is much bigger and more fully formed. I thought the images might be clearer than the first time but they really weren't. The tech said the baby was measuring 6 lbs 9 ozs. We agreed that this is plenty big so we don't want the baby to grow any larger. K has been telling the baby that 6.5 lbs is plenty big.

Today at the lab getting my blood drawn the tech told me that she gave birth 5 weeks ago. I said 'Five weeks? What are you doing here?' and she said she came back after 2 weeks! She said 'the economy is bad and we need the money'. I thought, 'wow, I'm a lucky person.'

So now our hospital bag is packed and I bring it to work with me every day. I just sent coworkers details on what to do if I go into labor at work. Tomorrow we get our car seat inspection. We are ready to have this baby - let's do it! My coworker said that Cinco de Mayo is a good day and that's Tuesday, so that works for me. K is shooting for Mother's Day, next Sunday. That's okay too. I could also do tomorrow. I don't need to wait around any longer.

37 weeks - Full term and ready

2009-04-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

We are full-term today. We are ready to have this baby. We want to hold it, smell it's little head, kiss it's tummy, listen to it breathe, sing to it, and tell it how much we love it. I hate that we might have to wait 5 more weeks.

Progress

2009-04-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

At the midwife's a week ago, she did a vaginal exam and found that I was 40-50% effaced. Over the weekend I noticed a sharp increase in white discharge, which I read this morning is a sign that your mucus plug is preparing to discharge. Our next midwife appointment is Wednesday. I can't wait to see how much progress has been made. I just wish that progress could be traced to a time line. So if we're 40% effaced, then we have X weeks left, or something like that. But it just doesn't work that way sadly.

Counting

2009-04-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

I've read that you are supposed to count 10 movements an hour twice a day during the last trimester, but I've been avoiding it. I've seen this kind of thing make women crazy. I've felt that as long as I feel the baby move, I know it's still alive and I don't need to do anything official. At our midwife appointment last week, she asked that I count 10 movements an hour once a day after dinner and record it on a log, and bring that log to the appointment each week. And if I don't get to 10 in an hour, call. We couldn't avoid it any longer, so I started keeping a log.

But instead of making me crazy, it's been the opposite. I don't worry about the baby's movement except during that time of day. It gives me one time a day to think about the movement, check in and make sure all is on track, and then not worry any more. And since every evening I've been able to get 10 in 20 minutes or less, it's given me confidence that the baby is really okay. Instead of making me crazy, I've been given peace of mind.

My aching back

2009-04-27T12:56:00.001-07:00

I've been having a backache lately, maybe for the past week. Mostly when I sit down for a long time. It was just sitting in the car or on our chaise, but for the past couple of days it was sitting anywhere. On Friday it was some serious pain and Saturday was pretty bad too. I figured it was normal pregnancy pain. I checked it out in my trusty 'What to Expect' book yesterday and I was right. It's caused by leaning back while standing to account for the big belly. How to avoid it - try to stand up straight, sit up straight, don't sit for more than 30 minutes without getting up, and don't wear heels.

Heels. I've been wearing them throughout my pregnancy and for the last month people have been saying "I can't believe you're still wearing heels." I've noticed that I walk slower in heels - they don't work well with my waddle. And I already walk slowly lately anyway, so this is very slowly. But besides that they weren't really giving me much trouble. I like shoe variety. My ankles have become cankles. My legs are short and stocky. I like the way I look in heels much better than flats. I'm very short and I like the height that I get from heels.

But I haven't worn heels since Friday. I wore some very high heels on Friday and had a lot of back pain, the worst yet. Today I'm wearing flats. I wore flip flops all weekend. Today my backache is more of a dull pain than anything else. There may be something to this heel thing. I guess I'll put my heels away for a few weeks.

Showered

2009-04-27T10:11:00.001-07:00

Friday was K's baby shower at her work. I got to meet her coworkers that I've heard so much about and see her office for the first time. It was fun. And we got a big Target gift card, which is awesome.

We've been saving all of our gift cards and we have a lot of money from Target and now we have to figure out how to spend them. We're thinking breast pump ($230), 12 cloth diapers ($204), nursing tank tops ($18 each - how many should we buy?). Maybe that's all we need right now?

It's HOT!

2009-04-27T05:53:00.001-07:00

Our early spring heat wave is too much for someone this pregnant! It's been in the 90's since Friday and we won't get relief until Wednesday. I've been hot for about a month as it is - waking up in the night drenched in sweat, baking at work, barely able to function. But now it's actually hot outside, on top of my normal hot, it's just too much!

Saturday I woke up with some serious nesting urges. I woke at 7am (on my own - no alarm) and put in a load of laundry and then started cleaning the kitchen. Then we went to some yard sales and got some great baby items, then to the farmers market. After that trip outside, all of my energy for nesting was gone. I still had the urge, but couldn't do anything. I ended up doing some low-key things, making lunch from our tasty farmers market stash, and then taking a nap while K cleaned the balcony in the heat. The heat just wiped me out.

Sunday was just as hot. We had our pregnancy support group meeting (the last one we'll be attending - the next one is scheduled for the day after our due date). It was hosted by a couple that doesn't have AC in their home. I can't live like that! I was soaked in sweat after our 1.5 hour meeting. My underwear were completely soaked. I stunk and felt sticky and gross. All I could think of was going home to shower. I don't know how the pregnant woman who lives there can handle it. She's due in June and it's only going to get hotter.

Based on this heat, I hope the baby comes sooner than later. If this is any indication of what our spring will be like (thanks global warming...), I can't take it much longer. Thank God for AC! And I'm so glad I don't live in FL anymore.

36 week midwife appointment

2009-04-20T07:58:00.001-07:00

This morning was our 36 week appointment. I've gained a total of 21 pounds so far, but 4 pounds in the past two weeks. Actually, I know that I gained it all in the first week and none in the second week. The midwife was a little concerned and suggested I drink lemon in my water, eat lots of watermelon, and soak in a warm bath each evening for 30 minutes. My uterus is now measuring 36 cm, which is also a lot of growth. 2 weeks ago, it was only 32.5 cm.

This week starts the weekly appointments and the vaginal exams. I haven't had to take my pants off at these appointments for months, but this week I did. She said my cervix is still closed but it is 40-50% effaced, so it's certainly preparing for birth. She did a quick ultrasound and confirmed that the baby was head down and in the right position for birth. So we are good to go.

We went through the birth plan and what to do if I go into labor. From this point on, if I went into labor, they wouldn't try to stop it since I'm close enough to the due date. She said to call if there is any spotting, any water breaking (even just a trickle), or contractions 5 minutes apart for an hour. In the next few weeks I should be sitting cross-legged to loosen the hips, practice squatting if I can, and sitting on the birth ball. Also, I should start taking Evening Primrose Oil, doing perineal massages to loosen things up down there, and keeping a daily log of the baby's movement. Lots of info to absorb.

After my appointment I came to a nice surprise waiting at my office. A coworker left a bathtime gift set. A very sweet surprise.

We spent the weekend checking things off of our to-do list. Friday night - we went swimming, which was something really important to K - to swim with me in my huge state. It felt pretty good, so we may go again next weekend. Also Friday night, we finished the birth plan just in time for our appointment today. Saturday - cleaned the nursery and hallway and finished all baby laundry. Sunday - cleaned hall bath and stocked up on supplies at grocery store. Now we have tons of toilet paper and frozen food - we spent about $350 between Safeway and Trader Joe's. But we won't have to go to a grocery store for a long time hopefully. But the way I'm peeing we may need more toilet paper sooner than later. We also learned to use our video camera, so we're all set to record that birth! It feels good checking these things off of our list.

K talked to her mom yesterday, which is always annoying. She doesn't like the name we chosen for our daughter if we have one. She would be named after K's grandma, which you would think K's mom would love. But she says, very authoritavely, "I never liked that name, don't name her that. I like the name Rama, that's what you should name her." We don't like the name Rama, it's not special to us like the name we chose, but thanks for your advice. It's not up for discussion.

35 week photo shoot

2009-04-19T16:59:00.000-07:00

We did a photo shoot last weekend in Rock Creek Park and around our neighborhood. We needed to document this big belly before it pops. I'm much bigger now though. You certainly grow fast toward the end.

Helping

2009-04-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

Our doggy helps with the baby laundry.

Boy or girl?

2009-04-16T13:53:00.000-07:00

That's the first thing everyone asks. And now that I'm so undeniably pregnant, I get it from strangers almost daily. Answer - we don't know. Today a friend asked what I thought it was. Not sure. Very early on I had a very vivid dream about bringing home a little girl in a flowered dress. Only a few weeks ago K had a dream that we were having a boy. Many people have emphatically pointed at my belly and said "That's a boy!" but this was done most often by the woman who cleans our bathrooms at work. One person (I can't remember who) pointed at my stomach and said "You are definitely carrying a girl" but this conflicts with what everyone else says about the shape of my stomach. My Chinese coworkers said that if you have a boy, you will have nice skin and crave sour food, if you have a girl, you will have bad skin and crave spicy food. According to this, we're having a boy. A Chinese chart online predicts the gender based on the month you conceived and how old you were when you conceived. According to this, we are having a girl, but we conceived on August 31, so that's pretty border line. Bottom line - we just don't know.

But we could find out. We have a sealed envelope at home that we planned to open as we got closer, and we're certainly close now. But K changed her mind recently - she wants the "It's a girl!" moment. I want to know. I was expecting to know - that's why we have an envelope. But I have to wait because I can't keep a secret.

Hospital bag - check!

2009-04-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

Last night we packed our hospital bag - mostly. There are so many last minute things to put in there - computer, camera, ipod. But we're mostly ready to go once the big day comes. We packed a lot - I wonder if others pack this much. But we don't want to have to come home if we forget something, and we don't want to have to go buy something. We want to have everything we need so that we can stay warm and cozy in the postpartum room with our little family.

Packing the baby clothes got me a little emotional. Up until this point I feel like we've been gathering things for a baby eventually, but this made it very real. We were packing clothes for our baby to wear. Wow, that's weird. I'm 35 weeks today. In two weeks we will be full term. The baby could come anywhere in the next 2-7 weeks. I'm trying to get used to the fact that I could be a mom in 2 weeks, but also preparing myself for the fact that nothing may happen for almost 2 months.

I made a list of things to do before the baby is born and it's pretty long. I don't know when we'll be doing these things. Some of it is a wish list, but some of it is really necessary. Here's hoping we get it done.

Swim - on 4/17 (this is one of K's dreams - to swim with me in my big pregnant state - and it hasn't happened yet)
Birth plan - before April 20 (36 week midwife appointment)
Follow up with RE about second parent adoption letter - after 4/21 (two weeks from when we first contacted her)
Buy remaining baby products - after K's work shower on 4/24 - breast pump, cloth diapers, hamper, what else?
Pack hospital bag - before 4/28 (37 weeks)
Get keys made for I (he's watching our dog) - by 4/28
Get dog food and other items packed for I - by 4/28
Learn to use Flip mino (video camera we got for Christmas from my parents but haven't used yet - now's the time!) - by 4/28
Call about how to use cord blood banking kit - by 4/28
Go through mail and pay any bills - by 4/28
Get phone list to L for labor day phone tree - by 4/28
Change sheets on our bed - 4/28 (who knows when we'll do this again)
Return books to library - by 4/28
Load Itunes onto new computer - by 4/28
Load McAffee onto new computer - by 4/28
Load Flip mino onto new computer - by 4/28
Clean inside of car - before 5/2 (when the car seat gets installed)
Car seat inspection - 5/2
Spring clean - master bath, hall bath, hallway, kitchen, nursery, balcony
Finish baby laundry
Cook food for freezer
Stock up on frozen food & boxed food, frozen vegetables, canned fruit,drinks, toilet paper for after birth
Sleep with our dog a few more times (she's not allowed in our bed so sometimes we sleep with her on the sleeper sofa) and tell her how much we love her constantly

Rip!

2009-04-14T11:21:00.001-07:00

On Sunday I was wearing my corduroy capris that I got hand-me-down from my friend E. I like them because they are green and all other maternity pants that I own are black or khaki, so it's nice just to have a little color. I haven't worn them much because they are capris and it only recently got warm enough to wear them. BUT they are pretty worn looking. And when I was wearing them on Sunday, they were snug, and I said a few times 'this is the last day I can wear these - they are getting too tight'.

Well, Sunday evening we had J over teaching me to cook dahl. She asked for a frying pan, I bent down to get one for her, and rip! The ass split open about 6 inches. I ran to the bedroom to change - trying to hide my ass from R, J, and J's fiance - and I'm not sure how successful I was.

This rip was beyond repair - not even close to the seam. I just said goodbye and threw the pants in the garbage. Now the pants I'm wearing today are too snug. I hope we don't have a repeat incident.

My office

2009-04-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

My office is a horrible mess. Papers everywhere, empty water bottles, stacks of reports on my desk. It's gross. On my list of things to do before maternity leave is to clean this trash heap up. I can't imagine coming back here after three months and being met with this mess. Well, today my mouse stopped working - it could go side to side but not up and down. So essentially I couldn't use my computer. Perfect timing. After reporting the problem to IT, I spent about 1 hour sorting things, throwing things out, emptying my mail box, putting reports on shelves and in file cabinets. Then I came back to my computer after calling the IT folks to ask about my replacement, and my mouse started working again. It was strange but allowed me to at least start cleaning this place up. It's still gross, but not like it was. I've thrown things out but now I have to sort things and put them away and clean my desk with some product to remove the grossness and recycle all of these empty water bottles. But it's a start.

I have been so disgustingly hot lately. I wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. I bake in my office. My last days of pregnancy, and the heat that comes with that, are coinciding with the beginning of spring, which means it's too hot for heat and too cold for AC. If we open the windows at home, K is freezing, but I'm still waking in the night drenched in sweat. At work I have no choice - there are no windows in my office. I sit here baking, unable to think or move or do anything. I've always been a hot person, but this is unbearable. Today, after throwing things out and putting things on shelves, I made room for a fan on my desk, which I promptly requested when my mouse started working again. And now it is blowing on me and it feels so good.

So, so tired

2009-04-13T06:10:00.001-07:00

This weekend K's high school friend R came from NYC for an impromptu visit. I'm exhausted. We didn't do much. Usually when we have company we are active and busy the whole time. But this time we specifically planned a low key, hanging out kind of weekend. And yet I'm still exhausted. 8 and a half months pregnant is just a lot, I guess.

R is 29 and getting her PhD. She has a sort of delayed adulthood thing going on. She's in many ways naive and knows nothing about the world, since she's never really done anything but go to school. She called earlier in the week to plan the trip, asking if I was home for maternity leave. I said "uh, no, I have to get paid."

She takes her academics very seriously since that's all she knows and is constantly talking about how her program is so hard, so much harder than everyone else's. Example, she said she needed to bone up on Latin American history. I asked why. She said "Because for my degree, I need to know everything." And she wasn't kidding - she really believes that. It's a lot to take for a whole weekend. I just remind myself that this small world is all she has, so she has to make it seem special.

She's starting to feel baby pressure. Her program is an 8 year degree program, just for the PhD (because, you know, it's such a hard program), so she won't graduate for another 5 years, when she's 34. She doesn't want to wait until then to have babies because it's too close to the magic 35 number when everything goes down hill. But she just broke up with her boyfriend/fiance of 5 years and she makes very little money as a grad student. So her biological clock is ticking and she sees no way to get what she wants. I actually can't imagine her as a mother so I hope she waits awhile. She's got some serious growing up to do.

We went Friday night to Baby's R Us to register and receive our free gifts and $10 gift card. The gifts were a newborn bottle and pacifier by Avent that match the bottles we already own (hand-me-downs). With the gift card, we bought a breast milk storage organizer for the freezer. Then we went to Kohl's with a $10 gift card that came in the mail for the big 'grand re-opening'. I got a maternity shirt that looks like it will fit for a while, maybe even last through the rest of the pregnancy. Total cost for the shopping trip at both stores - $11. We did quite well for $11.

Saturday morning we died eggs. This was K's first time - at 29 years old. Easter just wasn't a big deal in her Hindu/Muslim family. I like Easter, and now that we're having kids we're going to start celebrating. So this year we colored eggs. We decided that as a way to blend our cultures, in the future we'll use the eggs to make egg curry for our Easter dinner, one of K's favorite meals. I just need to learn to make egg curry.

Saturday night we went to this South-Asian panel discussion about coming out to your families. The event was free and dinner was served. It was all vegetarian and so tasty. I don't think we knew it was about coming out or we may not have gone. Lots of South Asians are not out to their families, so it was an important event for the community, but we've been out for about 8 years, so the positiveness and encouragement wasn't really needed for us.

The conversation with R afterwards really annoyed me. She is a white, straight woman from a very wealthy family, so she's kind of always had what she wants. She said that it's not important to tell coming out stories because isn't everyone over that already? And she said that anyone who's not out is just a coward. When I tried to say that it's really scary and hard, she pointed out that we've been out for years so it wasn't hard for us. Um, yeah, it was really hard, it is really hard still. And just because we don't talk about it a lot doesn't mean it's easy - we just like to remain positive. When I pointed out that she was white and straight, she exploded "Yeah, so I've never been oppressed." Well, hmm, has your mom ever told you that you are the same as a child molester? If you got married, would your parents attend the wedding? Does anyone get on TV talking about how you are bringing society down? Does anyone go to congress to have debates about whether or not you should get married? Does anyone vote in general elections about whether or not you should be able to adopt children? When you tell your coworkers about your partner, do they look uncomfortable and try to get out of the conversation, and from then on refer to her as your 'friend' with a weird tone? When you tell people you're pregnant, are their first words "How?" It's not just coming out to your parents, although that's a lot. But it's everything. It's your whole life. It's the news, it's work, it's the grocery store, it's every where you go. Until you live that life daily, you are in no position to call a person that does a coward.

Sunday morning we had an Easter brunch. L came over to join us. L said that since moving here two weeks ago, every time someone asks why he moved, he says "Because I want to have a baby." They look at him strangely and then he explains that as a gay man, that wouldn't be legal in FL. He says he'd like to adopt within 5 years. And he's telling this to men he's dating. He's like the woman who asks a man on the first date if he likes kids. He's caught the baby fever.

Sunday evening our dog walker, who happens to be Indian, came over to teach me to cook dahl. Dahl is one of the first foods you feed Indian babies, so K wants me to learn to make it. Like any good Indian cook, she wasn't much of a teacher. She came with the spices already mixed, so I have no idea what she put in the dahl. But at least I learned consistency so maybe I'll be able to find a good recipe to make it on my own. I guess I need to start practicing soon, but I don't think I'll get to it for a while.

Now I'm exhausted. Hopefully I can recover this evening. We have Project Runway from Netflix, so maybe we'll just watch that and relax and go to bed early.

How much weight have you gained?

2009-04-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

Today I got that question for the first time. I was in the elevator with a woman who works in my company that I don't know but see often in the elevator. She asked all of the normal question "So when are you due? Boy or girl?" Then said "How much weight have you gained?" I gave her a strange look and she said "I gained about 60 pounds when I was pregnant!" So I said "Oh, I've only gained about 17 pounds. I've been lucky." Then she looked disappointed and then I got off of the elevator. Sorry to disappoint but I just haven't gained that much. Partially I've tried to eat healthy, partially I've been forced to eat healthy due to my gallstones. I certainly had enough to begin with that I don't need much more.

Last night's dinner with our friend E was interesting. According to her, she does everything in their marriage, she doesn't think it's a partnership, and she needs some space to feel like herself again. When she was talking about what he doesn't do, I thought about all of the things I don't do, and how upset K gets with me sometimes about it. E said "After reminding someone to take out the trash every Thursday for 19 years, you get sick of it." I thought, what if K is sitting around a table 10 years from now saying the same thing? After she left, I told K how I felt and she said I was being silly, that I do a lot of stuff, that she feels like we have a partnership. I'm very secure in our relationship, and have been for many years, but talking someone who's been married for 19 years and wanting a divorce just threw me.

I ate too much last night at our dinner. We went out for Indian and then back to our place for sorbet and cookies and afterwards, I was feeling very, very full. Sometimes that feeling of fullness starts to feel like a feeling of pressure and gas and then lots of pain and then I'm throwing up because I have gallstones and can't eat like I want to. So I rested and I was okay, but I was a little nervous. But the Indian food tasted so good!

Surprises abound

2009-04-08T06:57:00.001-07:00

Last night was another big surprise. My mom called and said they wanted to visit for 4th of July to meet the baby. We never bothered asking them to come to visit because the last time we did was full of drama. We asked them to take off their shoes while they were here and they sent an email threatening not to come because they are 'not vegetarians and do not worship Indian culture' and if we wanted them to visit we had to accept them as they are, in a longer and angrier email than this. We said fine, wear your shoes, if shoes are more important than visiting your daughter. They did come in January 2008 and we all had a good time. But then K and I said to each other that we would never ask them to visit again - they could come if they wanted but we wouldn't ask. And if they didn't visit, we wouldn't go out of our way to visit them either. We've seen them twice since getting pregnant, and talked on the phone a few times, and have never said to them "When will you come to meet your grandchild?" They surprised us by asking to visit. Babies change things. It will be interesting to see how the next 18 years go.

Tonight we are having dinner with a friend who is separating from her husband. It's so sad. They were college sweethearts just like we are. They've been together for 19 years and they are only 40 years old. They have two kids that they adopted from Korea after years of struggling with infertility - a 12 year old girl and 9 year old boy. They are good people that always seem happy and like they are having fun together. We had no clue that they were having trouble. They came to our baby shower a few weeks ago as a family and we co-hosted an Arrested Development viewing party with both of them in January. Everything seemed normal. I guess you just never know. But tonight should be a sad one for sure.

34 week midwife appointment

2009-04-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our 34 week midwife appointment. In two weeks we start going every week. Wow. Everything is going well. I've gained 17 pounds and measure 32.5 cm, a little on the small side but within range. She said that the baby has not dropped, no matter how many people say that it has. This made K feel better - no early birth!

Sunday was our pregnancy support group and we got to meet three babies that have been born since we got pregnant - from 5.5 months to 8 weeks old. All were quite cute. And we got to hear their birth stories - all different. One couple used the midwives and labored mostly at home and seemed to have it really easy. One couple had pitocin and an epidural with a doctor who made them wait to give birth until the doctor could be found since she doesn't get paid unless she's present in the room for it (I don't care if the doctor gets paid - the baby's coming out when it comes out!). And one woman was induced and eventually had a poorly done c-section. The midwife story sounded the easiest and least painful so I'm happy that this will be our path too.

Our friend L has moved to town finally and he's going to be at the birth. K told him I might piss and shit and vomit and he said, "yeah, okay". Then she said I may strip down naked and he said "whoa, what?". Nudity is much worse than shit, I guess! K is trying to prepare him with stuff from The Birth Partner book that she is reading to take the edge off of her a little. And she put him in charge of the phone tree. He says he up for all of it.

Yesterday we got some surprises when we came home. First, waiting in front of our door was a very expensive $280 car seat we had registered for. Everyone says the Britax Marathon is the best so we registered for it as our replacement for when our baby outgrows the infant seat, but didn't really expect to get it. But a co-worker friend of mine bought it for us. Nobody spends that much on their friends! It's crazy. But we are thankful. Then we opened our mail and found a $200 Target gift card - no return address, no card, just a note saying "Many exciting adventures ahead!" Who would anonymously send us a $200 gift card? It's crazy! K sent around an email today asking people to fess up so that we can thank them, but no leads yet. All we know is that the envelope was mailed from MD, so that narrows it down a bit, but we can't think of anyone of our local friends who haven't given us a gift already.

This morning sucked. I was eating yogurt, started coughing, and threw up all over myself. At work. I went to the bathroom and cleaned up and then asked a friend if I smelled of puke. She said I didn't and gave me some perfume just in case. I felt fine before and felt fine after but I threw up! So goes the life of a pregnant woman, I guess.

Refurbishing baby clothes

2009-04-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

Almost all of our baby clothes are hand-me-downs. In fact, almost all of our baby things are hand-me-downs. We've been really lucky to get some great stuff from friends and also worked hard to get stuff from freecycle, neighborhood moms listservs, and yesterday's big garage sale clean up. So we have tons of clothes and only some of it is nice. Since we do have so much, we've been choosy. We didn't keep anything that is stained or too worn looking, but we did keep stuff we don't really like. It would be so much fun to go shopping and buy clothes that we love, clothes that we can't wait to dress our baby in, clothes that make our baby look cool and hip and fun. But we don't want to spend money on clothes that last about 3 months before the kid grows out of them, so we're making due with what we have.

We've gotten some really cool gifts that will make our baby look like a rock star - I Love NY onesies, a onesie that says "My Moms Rock", a onesie that says "Punk Baby", a t-shirt that says "Barf Vader", a t-shirt that says "Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?", a sleeper in 70's colors of orange and reds, an Indian baby outfit, a bib that says "HRC baby", a onesie that says "Chillin in my crib", a bib with a robot on it. And we've gotten some cool things as hand-me-downs or from the thrift store - a camouflage t-shirt and hat, a KISS t-shirt, a Chinese outfit, two African outfits, a fleece leopard print hoody and pants set. These are things we can't wait to dress our child in.

But some of the other stuff is plain, or cutesy, or even ugly. And this is where K has been working her magic. She's been ironing things onto these onesies and sleepers and t-shirts to jazz them up, using iron on letters, premade iron-ons, patches, and things printed from the computer. Now we have some really fun clothes that were only so-so before.

We got a pack of white onesies as a gift and she ironed on sayings like "The force is strong in this one...", and "Everyone loves a Southern Girl". One says "The Prettiest Thing in Silver Spring" which is a quote she from her historic Silver Spring walking tour - it used to be the logo for a car dealership back in the 70's when our neighborhood was pretty shabby and a car dealership was the prettiest thing in Silver Spring. Now it will be our baby. Another says "Silver Spring's Ambassador of Love", a take on our favorite band They Might Be Giants' slogan "Brooklyn's Ambassadors of Love". One says "BRAT" in sparkly letters.

We had a night gown and a footed PJ that were both decorated with baby chicks. She added "Hatched by two chicks". A sleeper covered in clouds and moons now says "I love the nightlife, I've got to boogy". A sleeper covered in hearts says "I love my mommies". An ugly onesie covered in turtles and chicks now says "Fashion victim". The camo t-shirt says "Rock Star". A purple onesie says "SUGAR" across the bottom. A t-shirt says "Nobody puts baby in the corner". A fleece outfit for winter has an anarchy patch.

She's done many, many alterations. We keep a drawer of clothes to be altered always adding more, always coming up with more ideas. These clothes are fun, better than going shopping for clothes because these came from us. They are our ideas and they make us happy. Although it would still be awesome to go out and buy new clothes.

We love the word 'FREE'

2009-04-03T07:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday outside of K's work was a community garage sale. At 4pm everything was free for the taking - whatever was left you could just walk away with. K said most people were just grabbing a handfull of things, but not her. She came home with three large bags, half of which were for the baby. She called me and asked me to pick her up from the metro since she had so much stuff to carry home. Some of the goodies - bassinet sheets, a co-sleeper sheet, lots of parenting books, cards and stickers from a baby keepsake box (maybe we could use these to make baby announcements), books about pregnancy and parenting, a sippy cup, baby spoons and forks, new baby proofing items, bottles, a 'baby bag' that you put on the baby in the stroller when it's cold outside (this one is practically brand new), new clips and labels for breast milk freezer storage bags, iron on letters we plan to use for refurbishing used baby clothes, and lots of other stuff I can't remember. Then we went to a friend's house last night to pick up our character reference letters they wrote for the second-parent adoption and she gave us a huge bag of crib sheets. It was quite a day.

We received in the mail a flyer for Babies R Us that says that if you register with them you get a $10 gift card and a goody bag. We don't shop there because they received a failing score from HRC. But we don't mind getting stuff from them for free - in fact it feels good to stick it to them. So we plan to go tonight to register and get our free goodies. We've made a list of things we need that cost $10 so we can find something to buy tonight and never have to go back.

Second parent adoption

2009-04-03T07:01:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we meet with our lawyer to set up the paperwork for second parent adoption. We've gathered letters from family and friends, statements of health from our doctors, tax records, family pictures, financial statements. We've written our values statements. We're as prepared as we can be.

The lawyer's office is in the same building as a women's clinic that also performs abortions. There are protesters every Saturday morning, so we'll be there in prime time for the protesters. We used to live only a block away and would walk by the protesters many times. They are aggressive and rude and yell things about killing babies to every woman who walks by, whether or not she is headed into the clinic. Since we'll be heading into the building this time instead of just walking by, I'm sure they will assume we are going to the women's clinic. We plan to tell them I'm there for an abortion. At 33 weeks pregnant that's not anywhere near legal, but it should put them into a fury that will give them something to do for the rest of the day. We could also tell them we are a same sex couple meeting with our lawyer - I'm sure they also don't believe in same-sex marriage.

Iowa strikes down gay marriage ban

2009-04-03T06:59:00.000-07:00

http://www.365gay.com/news/vanasco-iowa-strikes-down-gay-marriage-ban/

We used to live in this state. I'm beaming with pride! Maybe we really will retire to an old Victorian mansion in Des Moines after all.

Lightening and Amma's voice

2009-04-02T07:50:00.001-07:00

A woman I don't know but see often in the bathroom at work said yesterday that she thinks my baby has dropped. I think she might be right because since Saturday I have been peeing constantly - like sometimes every half hour. This is the main symptom of dropping/lightening. I checked it out and basically first time moms can drop up to four weeks before the baby is born, though it could be less. Hmm, I'm at 33 weeks now. Four weeks from now would be 37 weeks, just full term. K has always said that she thinks this baby will come early even though first time moms usually come late. She just has a feeling. Let's hope it's not too early. I'm starting to feel the pressure of getting everything done at work.

I've noticed the baby gets more active when he/she hears K's voice. She loves to hear her Amma's voice. K likes to sing to the belly and when she does there will be movement exactly where K's mouth is. K has had late meetings for the past few nights and when she comes home, there is more activity in my belly. That one can't wait to see Amma face to face.

Breastfeeding

2009-03-31T11:24:00.001-07:00

Last night was our breastfeeding course. 3 hours! Our baby care course was only 2.5 hours and that covered more than one topic! But it was a really good course. I've read about how to hold the baby and the feeding cues, but I couldn't understand them. Now I've held a baby doll to my breast (it was a little weird but everyone else did it too), so I get the positions. And I've seen videos of the feeding cues, so I get those now too. Let's just see if we can remember them when it matters.

Nesting

2009-03-30T10:28:00.001-07:00

I had a major nesting impulse on Saturday. We had an appointment to get our car serviced at 8am, so we woke up at 7am. I jumped out of bed and started doing laundry before even eating breakfast. I didn't stop working that day until 10:30 that night. K baked some banana bread and I sat down to eat it and all of the sudden I was SO tired, like I could fall asleep right there with my bread. But before I sat down, I wasn't tired all day. I had tons of energy and I was on a mission and I pushed K on my mission. We accomplished a lot:

all baby laundry is washed, folded, and put away - newborn and 0-3 month clothes, boppies, blankets, burp cloths, bibs, sheets, toys, play mat, sling, towels, wash cloths, cloth baby wipes, Halloween costumes, etc.
we took our computer to best buy for repair
we went to the thrift store
car service appointment
reorganized our filing cabinet, filed papers, shredded papers
spring cleaned living and dining room
hung frame in living room
went to hardware store to get wall mounting for a plate
hung plate in dining room
set up play pen
moved co-sleeper into baby room
our personal laundry is washed but not yet folded
maybe more that I can't remember

I even cooked lunch and dinner for us.

Then on Sunday I woke up at 9am exhausted. I could barely wake up, I made it through church, out to lunch, bathing suit shopping for K. She kept asking me how I was doing and I'd say "okay" and she'd say "really?" and I'd say "tired". Then as we were leaving Sears, she asked how I was doing - we were headed to Target - and I said "tired" and she said "are you crying?" I was so tired I started to cry. I had told her that we could do whatever she wanted since she put up with me on Saturday and I really didn't want us to go home but I was exhausted. Saturday wore me out. So K said we were going home, and I protested, but I really was tired. I came home and crashed.

That nesting impulse is really crazy, a total surge of energy. If I hadn't sat down, who knows how late into the night I would have gone. I was a crazy woman! But at least we got a lot done.

I'm feeling tied down

2009-03-27T13:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes K gets the 'Now that we're having a baby, there are many things we can't do' blues. I don't get these. There are things we can't do, but also many things we can do now that we've never cared about before - they are just more fun with children. Like the Cherry Blossom Festival going on for the next few weeks in DC. We've never gone before. But I think I want to take our children. And K wants to do a corn maze, which we've never done before, not even when we lived in corn country in IA, but she wants to take the kids. So a whole new world is opening up to us.

But the thing that's been getting me down lately is that I want to travel. We've been really lucky to be able to travel a lot since college. I wouldn't even call it lucky - we worked hard and saved our money very strictly so that we could afford to travel a lot. We've been to 4 countries, we've been all over the US, we have a yearly college friends reunion somewhere in the country. We're always planning to go somewhere. But now we're not planning to go anywhere anytime soon. It's not that we don't think you can travel with children - you totally can. My parents took a family vacation every year and that's how I saw much of the US growing up. I'm excited to travel with our children. It's the money.

We were thinking we might go on an Alaskan cruise before the baby turns 2, since the baby would be essentially free. But now we're thinking an Alaskan cruise costs about as much as it might cost us to get pregnant again - or maybe getting pregnant will cost even more since I'll be older this time. We had also talked about going back to our honeymoon location, Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, for our fifth wedding anniversary in March next year. Without knowing how much it will cost to get pregnant, we can't really justify spending money on a big vacation. Even if we vacation in our typical cheap fashion, it's still thousands of dollars that we really shouldn't spend.

There just won't be as much money to save as there was - with child care and added insurance costs and whatever expenses that we don't even know about yet along with reduced paychecks during the 5-6 months of maternity leave between us.

We'd really like to go down to FL to introduce the baby to our grandparents that don't travel, but that's not exactly a vacation so I don't count it. Visiting family is a duty, an obligation, and sometimes work, it's not a vacation. We'll hopefully get together with our college friends for Labor Day, but it would be nice for one of them to plan it since we'll be busy with the baby, but that's unlikely. And strangely, getting our friends to commit in advance is next to impossible even though they all say they want to go, so planning it really is a lot of work.

I've latched onto our anniversary next year, almost a year away. We didn't do anything for our anniversary this year, trying to save money, and we always go away for our annivesary. I've said many times that we must get away next year, even if only for one night. So the thing getting me through is that I know in a year we will get to go somewhere for just one night. That's not a lot to hold onto.

Maternity leave figured out (finally)

2009-03-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

We met this couple a while ago who was adopting a child from India. We ended up having dinner with them because at the time we were considering adopting a child from India. But after talking to them, we decided it's too hard. They had to lie about being a couple because India doesn't allow same-sex parents to adopt - technically only one woman was adopting the child while the other was hoping for a second parent adoption once they got back to the US. Also, they were stuck in paperwork. The baby they were assigned to at 3 months old was now 20 months old and still in an orphanage in India. This just seemed to devastating to us.

But we did get something from that dinner. We asked how long they were planning to stay home with the baby. They said they each planned to take 3 months off, consecutively so that the baby had someone home with her for 6 months total before having to be placed in day care. We thought that idea was awesome and said 'we are totally doing that!' The child stays out of day care for longer and both moms get to bond with the newborn. So we've always been planning to do this.

Then the economy went to shit. K's job started doing layoffs. She's survived the layoffs and they say no more layoffs, so it looks like she's okay for now. Then they put a freeze on hiring contractors, which means if she leaves her work for 3 months, they cannot hire a contractor to fill in for her. Then the director of her department left and they have a hiring freeze, so he will not be replaced. This means her small department went from 3 people to 2 people, and each of them are now working much harder without a director. So if she takes three months off, her department shrinks to 1 person, and that person cannot hire a contractor to help. We started thinking we were fucked.

We've been planning for me to take my full three months off allowed by law. I'm birthing a baby here so there's no question of what's allowed for me. Also my work is just different - there are 70 people with the same job as me that can fill in for me while I'm gone. Basically, I told my bosses 6 months in advance that I will be unavailable for three months over the summer and they started shifting my work to other people. No problem at all. It makes me feel kind of unimportant but at least it's easy.

Then K started doing her research. She went to HR and asked 'what's available for me?' very innocently, but ready to fight if needed. And she started at the top - a meeting with the HR director and not one of the underlings. Thankfully, the HR director was very supportive, and K didn't have to fight at all. She said that K offered her a challenge as she had never worked with leave for a same-sex partner adopting her partner's biological child. She said that K was eligible for FMLA - the full three months of unpaid leave. And also K was eligible for the paid adoption leave offered by the company - one month of her FMLA paid. Awesome.

Now that she new her rights and decided she was going to go for the full time allotted to her, she needed to break it to her boss. K wrote an 'adoption leave plan' that spelled out how much time she was taking off and approximately when and submitted it to her boss on Tuesday. Today she had a talk with her boss about the plan and all went well! The boss is supportive. We were doubtful because the boss is a superhard worker - works weekends and evenings and while she is on vacation. But she surprised us and was super-supportive. She even said that she felt that it was important for K to have that time at home to bond with the baby.

So we're excited. We get what we wanted. Life is good.

Book reviews

2009-03-25T06:06:00.001-07:00

Here's what I've been reading lately:

Great Expectations by Sandy Jones and Marcie Jones

We were given this book from friends. It is our go-to guide for pregnancy. We have others, and definitely consult What to Expect when we have questions, but Great Expectation really seems to have everything we need in a very straight-forward manner. It also has a very nice section on childbirth that explains what is happening in your body, the stages of labor, and the various medical interventions that are typically done, why the interventions are done, and the pros and cons of each intervention. Then there is a very nice and concise section on new born care, and a section on breastfeeding. It's a great book that I would definitely recommend to anyone.

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin

This book was recommended by our Birth Works instructor and was read by many people we know. I think it was a useful book, all about natural childbirth. It's not big on details as much as convincing you that you really can do it. The first half is various birth accounts that of births mostly performed by Ina May on the commune that Ina May lives on (The Farm). Sometimes you feel like you are reading a long advertisement for The Farm, reading about how women were repeatedly mistreated until they found The Farm. You start to think, well that's great, but I'm not giving birth in TN, so... But the general themes seem to be the power of positive thinking, the importance of being somewhere that makes you feel comfortable, and the importance of being surrounded by people who support you and that you trust. All in all, I think it was a good book to read, but not the most amazing book ever like some people seem to think.

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by La Leche League

This book was recommended by La Leche League (no surprise there). It's got some really useful and practical information about breastfeeding, so I've learned a lot from it. But sometimes I feel like I'm reading a book from the 1950's. It's continually stressing the importance of the birth mother/child bond, barely mentioning the partner at all. In the chapter on housekeeping there is a paragraph about getting dad to help out. There is a lot of talk about going back to work if you have to, but basically it would be better if you could stay home because the baby needs you, and there is no mention at all of the partner staying home. Also, it's continually stressing that fresh milk from your breast is much better than pumped milk, so it seems to be saying 'don't pump unless you have to'. The way the book is written seems like it would add to a lot of mother's guilt to some women when they do choose to go back to work. I've learned a lot about breastfeeding from it but I don't think I would recommend this book to anyone else. I'm sure you could get this information elsewhere.

K is reading The Birth Partner by Peggy Simkin, recommended by our Birth Works instructor and friends of ours. She's also reading about the basics of child care - Caring for Your Baby and Young Child Birth to Age 5 by the American Academy of Pediatrics (a hand-me-down from my sister) and The Baby Book by Dr. William Sears (a gift from her co-worker).

Up next on my list are Nursing Mother, Working Mother by Gale Pryor and Kathleen Huggins (recommended by The Breastfeeding Center for Greater Washington and by friends), Vegetarian Baby by Sharon Yntema and The Vegetarian Mother and Baby Book by Rose Elliot (both hand-me-downs from a friend).

Midwife 32 weeks

2009-03-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

Today we had our 32 week midwife appointment. 32 weeks = 8 months! Wow, that's far along. Everything is going well. Baby is active, I've gained 15 pounds total, my uterus measures 31 cm. All looks good.

We got a nice surprise today. My insurance covers our birthing class. So we'll get that $250 back. Definitely a nice surprise.

Now, here are the pictures of our nursery.

On the wall to the left - some of K's collection of unopened Star Wars figurines.

To the left - the mobile from my crib 30 years ago. On the wall to the left - a frame signed by everyone who attended our family baby showers. To the right - a picture from our recent trip to Australia of us cuddling a koala.

The two shelves are filled with things from our childhood. To the right is a framed Star Wars poster. To the right of that is a painting K did for me in college of They Might Be Giants playing instruments under a tree. To the left on the window sill - a painting K did inspired by the song Here Comes the Sun. On the futon - a blanket knitted by my aunt.

On the closet door - a cross-stitched quilt made by my mom. Framed on the wall - the first edition of the Star Wars comic book made in 1977. On the stand - a ceramic lamp painted by my mom when I was a kid.

On the glider, a fabric wall hanging from K's childhood bedroom that says "Kindness Goes a Long Way". On the shelves, more trinkets from our childhood.

To the left - a drawing of Yoda from a HS friend of K's mom, a pug pop art peice from A & C, a cross-stitched carousel horse from my grandma.

Resting

2009-03-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday night I had some brown discharge and some big cramps/contractions. The midwife said I should rest and relax throughout the weekend - no exercise, no shopping, no housework, no sex. This meant that I sat around and watched K do these things (well, except the sex part - she didn't do that either). She went to Ikea, she walked the dog, she spring-cleaned our bedroom, she did laundry, she even made dinner. I sat and rested. It was nice in some ways, and hard in some ways. K was constantly saying "Don't do that! I'll do it." I think I'm fine now. I had a back ache on Friday, but since then I have felt completely normal.

We were able to get our nursery completely set up. It still needs to be cleaned and everything needs to be washed, but the decorations are now on the walls. It looks really great. We love it. And with everything finally put away, the room feels really large. It was starting to look really small and cramped with all of that stuff, but now it looks large again, which is very nice. I'll post pictures soon. Our camera died when we were trying to take pictures of the finished product, so we had to recharge.

The coordinator for the classes at the hospital called to apologize for the horrible treatment we received from the security guard. Our class was refunded and she gave me her personal cell phone number in case we had any questions about caring for our baby, before or after birth. She was very kind and very apologetic.

Besides this we dined at our favorite Burmese restaurant, had lunch with friends at a new Vietnamese restaurant, had dinner with friends at a Mexican joint, watched the TMBG Here Come the 123s DVD we received as a shower gift with our friends and their kids, watched Girls Rock! on DVD, and in general had a fun, relaxing, and productive weekend.

Baby Care Basics

2009-03-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

We had a great class last night. We learned a lot about caring for this baby - bathing, feeding, sleeping, etc. I feel more prepared, but I also feel like there is a lot to remember. We've divided up the work - I am learning about childbirth and breastfeeding and K is learning about caring for a newborn. So I haven't been reading anything about newborn care - this class may be my only exposure - but for K a lot of the material was stuff that she had already learned.

The class didn't start out so well though, and it puts us in a grumpy mood for the beginning of the course, even though the teacher was great and very nice. The class was offered at the Shady Grove Hospital Support Center, which is rented space in a larger office building. Since the class was at night, the door was locked and a security guard was signing people in. The guard was an older man. Class was at 7pm and we arrived about 5 minutes early. There was a couple that entered before us and a couple that was arriving just behind us. The guard let the couple in front of us in with no problems. When we got to the door and knocked, the security guard gave us a strange look, walked over the door cautiously, cracked the door, and asked why were were there. I said "We're here for the class for Shady Grove Hospital." He looked confused, said things like "What? Huh? A class?" The door remained only cracked and we were being treated like dangerous people that shouldn't be let in. Then his face changes and he says "Oh, you're here for the baby thing?" We agreed and he let us in. Another couple was there behind us at that point and he let them in without question. While we were signing in, I asked "So all of these couples are here for the baby class. Why were you so confused and acting like you'd never heard of the class before and not letting us in?" He said, "Oh, I was confused because I was expecting couples." I said, "But we are a couple - wife and wife." He looked really upset, turned away with shock/disgust, and talked to the couple that arrived behind us. I said "So where is the class located?" He mumbled his answer while looking in a completely different direction and refused to look at us again. Then we got to class and saw two single women and a handful of male/female couples. Did the single women get the same rough treatment we got? We really felt like he was afraid of us, like we were trying to break into the building, when he wouldn't even crack the door for us. And we definitely felt like once we told him we were a couple he was disgusted and shocked. We saw the treatment he gave the couple behind us and in front of us and he definitely treated them with respect. You can believe whatever you want about people but you have to treat everyone with respect. And I just don't get the confusion. There is no mistaking the fact that I am pregnant, and if you know that there is a baby class and you see a pregnant woman at the door, no matter who she is with, you should assume she's part of the class.

This really put us in a sour mood and we walked into class ready to be annoyed, but the teacher was wonderful. She almost always said 'Moms and coaches' or 'Moms and partners' instead of 'Moms and Dads'. She treated us just like the other couples in the room. It took us a while to warm up to her, but there was no reason for that because she was wonderful. It's sad that one person can ruin your whole experience like that, when all we want to do is learn about our baby just like everyone else.

Are you a Bert or an Ernie?

2009-03-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

http://svmomblog.typepad.com/dc_metro_moms/2009/03/are-you-a-bert-or-an-ernie-rtp-photo-already-uploaded-in-html.html#more

A local blogger shares our love of Bert and Ernie. K and I have through the years discussed which of us is Bert and which is Ernie. In college we both agreed that I was definitely Ernie and K was Bert- constant chatter, barging into K's room while she's napping "Hey Bert!", constantly saying let's have fun while K was more serious and said 'Let's study' in her best 'Ernie!' voice. Recently though, we've decided that I'm Bert and K is Ernie. She has constant questions about the world - how does this work, why does this happen - and I'm always there to answer them. We often lay in bed and she says 'I'm not tired, how about you?' I guess neither of us are a Bert or an Ernie, but we sure do love those fellows. And we both love the rubber duckies we have for our kids bath time.

We've registered for the Sesame Street Old School DVDs. We'll defitinitely be watching those when our kids turn 2. Sesame Street was so much better when we were kids, before Elmo.

Our big weekend

2009-03-16T07:28:00.000-07:00

1. Friday night. We celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. But first K stopped off at one of our pregnancy's support group 'graduates' to pick up her old maternity clothes and meet the baby. She's a single mom and feeling very overwhelmed right now with her 5 week old. She had an anxiety attack when she left her baby for 15 minutes. I'm grateful to have a partner. The maternity clothes are awesome and really expand my wardrobe which is starting to shrink as I slowly outgrow the maternity clothes I have. Can I really get bigger than this?

Our anniversary celebration was fabulous. We went to Mrs. K's Tollhouse in Silver Spring, the restaurant we were married in. The food was fabulous - I had a pear salad, pumpkin-apple ravioli, and strawberry cheesecake. I splurged on my strict diet because I felt I deserved it at least for one night. Cheesecake is definitely not low fat! But it was so good. I love the annual tradition of dressing up, eating really decadent food, and spending a beautiful evening with my wife. I'm sure I'll treasure this even more next year.

2. Saturday morning. Infant Safety & CPR class. It was a very useful class. Everything was hands on and we practiced everything again and again, so now I feel like if I'm in a panic situation, everything will just come to me naturally. Makes me feel more secure about staying home alone with the baby.

After the class we stopped by to pick up a free changing table posted on our Silver Spring moms listserv. We weren't going to get a changing table but this one was free, so... Now I am so thankful! It adds so much storage to our nursery. We've been piling all diapers and supplies into the shelf on the bottom. It doesn't match the furniture in our room, but it's free so who care. I love that we haven't bought any furniture for our nursery (the glider was a gift from my parents) but we are completely set and ready to go. People have been so generous with their hand-me-downs.

3. Saturday night. Our baby shower with our local friends. It was a Star Wars themed shower based on the Star Wars memorabilia K has put into our nursery. It was a great turnout - a party style shower, no games, just hanging out with our friends. Totally what we want. It was so much fun! Our friends are fabulous. There was a big group gift of a black play pen and bum genius cloth diapers, both things we really wanted but thought were too expensive to expect as a gift. They surprised us! The black play pen is awesome because it will match our living room. Our home is small and if we fill it with a bunch of random pastel colored baby items, it will look even smaller.

Another cool gift was an original Star Wars comic book, the first issue ever printed, from 1977. It was K's friend J's original copy bought in 1977. We framed this and hung it in the nursery and it looks great.

All of the kids at the party (I think there were 8) got together and decorate onesies and a canvas tote bag with sayings like "I love my mommies, I'm J's favorite, K's favorite child, Will work for cookies". I don't know where or when this was done - it was presented to us as a surprise. There are some pretty cool ones that we can't wait to use.

C gave me some nursing clothes - two shirts and a swim suit. It took me a while to understand how to use them, but once I did, I was impressed. They look just like normal clothes and then you lift something up and there's your boob. I also got a very nice nursing cover from K's friend T. It's black and white floral, very hip and modern looking. All of our friends here in the liberal north are big breastfeeding advocates and like to say "I should be able to feed my child whenever I want." They never cover their breasts. I'm from conservative FL. Showing my nipples to the world makes me uncomfortable. I plan to be discreet.

A couple A & E gave us their hand-me-down Graco Snugride Infant Carseat and Snap N Go stroller. This is a really great hand-me-down. They only have one kid and she only used these pieces for less than 9 months. This saves us about $130.

K and I also exchanged gifts. I gave K an designer diaper bag by LeSportSac. Purses are very important to her, and she just couldn't handle the thought of carrying a cutesy diaper bag. We were given a pastel sesame street bag from my grandma and it really disturbed K. So the diaper bag makes here very happy. She gave me a delivery gown called 'Pretty Pushers'. It's a purple dress that I can wear instead of a hospital gown with a matching headband. My ass won't show in the back and I can be comfortable while pushing this one out. It's very cute and I love it.

We were so excited about all of this that we went home and sorted through it and put it all away that night. Usually something like this would take us days. We loved all of our gifts, which is wonderful. We're finally starting to feel really prepared for this baby, though there are still a few things needed on our 'essentials' list. Luckily there is one more baby shower on the horizon - K's work is throwing one in April.

4. Sunday morning. We spoke to the K-8 kids in our church about 'different types of families'. We read 'And Tango Makes Three' then discussed what it means to be a Welcoming Congregation and talked about different kinds of families people knew about. Then K and I talked about our family. K explained that a very nice man that we don't know gave us a special gift of sperm so that we could have a family together, and we are very thankful for that man and his gift. The kids asked questions like what will the baby call you (Amma and Mommy), what will the baby be named (we said we weren't sure if it was a boy so they gave us some suggestions. It was cute.

Then we broke off into groups and we talked to the grades 5-8 youth. First we talked about the power of language and specifically the "That's so gay" phrase. Then we talked about what marriage really means. They said 'love, commitment'. We said yes, but it has a bigger meaning legally regarding how the government views your family. We talked about hospital visitation, insurance, death, social security, inheritance tax. We talked about how our church goes each year to talk to our legislators in MD about same-sex marriage and why this issue is so important to our church. It seemed okay, but kids that age are so quiet. All were quiet except for the one 'punk' kid who said things like "If my friends and I see someone being a racist, we commit a hate crime on them." I don't even know what he means be that. He said lots of other things that made us uncomfortable and the other kids were mostly quiet. We read a poem from the COLAGE website about growing up with two moms and then asked what the kids thoughts of the poem. One kid commented that the poem was well-written and had good parallel structure, and then when the others said they didn't know what that meant, he raised his hand and asked if he could expand on parallel structure. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. But all in all I would say it went well.

5. Sunday afternoon. Spring cleaning. We're busy so we doing this in bits and pieces, starting yesterday. We organized our entry way closets, making room for strollers, and scrubbed the walls and floors. It's the smallest room in the house but it looks great, and it's a start. We were supposed to have our pregnancy support group but it was cancelled and I'm thankful. We had a big enough weekend already.

Tonight is our Baby Care Basics class, then it's a thankfully quiet week from there.

Baby modeling

2009-03-12T08:49:00.001-07:00

Our current baby is modeling the clothes we have for our baby on the way. We can't wait for our baby shower this weekend to get more clothes to put on her. She's a good sport. Note: we stole this idea from IinVermillion - as much as we love it, we can't take credit for it ourselves.

4 years ago today

2009-03-12T07:32:00.000-07:00

Today is our fourth wedding anniversary. We celebrated by going to an early morning midwife appointment. My how our lives have changed. We try to get away every year to celebrate, usually just one night somewhere in the woods. But we didn't make it this year. Mostly because we're trying to save money. But also we're super busy with classes and showers and support group meetings and midwife appointments. And home projects and cleaning the home. It's just too much. In fact, this weekend, our anniversary weekend, we are going to an infant CPR course, our baby shower, and our pregnancy support group (which we are hosting in our own home).

We do have time for a proper celebration, though. We are going out tomorrow night for dinner at the restaurant we got married in, a yearly tradition we would never miss. It's a beautiful, historic restaurant in walking distance from our home that makes me smile every time I go by. K cleaned the house last night so we will have no distractions. So tomorrow night we celebrate our anniversary before the weekend becomes baby weekend.

The 30-week midwife appointment went well. I've gained 13 pounds and I'm measuring 30 cm. There was a big lump in my belly and the midwife said it was a knee. The baby is active and healthy and all is well.

We really liked the midwife we had today. She's the only one we hadn't seen yet for an appointment and we'd like to have her for every appointment. We met her at our midwife orientation session before we even had our first appointment, and we liked her a lot. She was the reason we signed up for the practice. Now we've realized why she does the orientations - she's definitely got the best people skills of the three women. I've realized that when I imagine my birth, she's the one attending, which is strange considering she hasn't been involved much in my pregnancy. I try not to think about it as tied to one person because I don't want to be disappointed, but that's the image in my head.

I've noticed this week that I've started walking very slowly. Now, I've always been a slow walker. People have complained about it my whole life. But now, it's like I'm barely moving. I'm certainly waddling - a few people have commented on that. I guess that might be part of the slowing down. Today I was walking down the hall at work and a coworker saw me walking very slowly and asked "Is it heavy?" No, it's not heavy at all. I don't even notice my belly until I run it into something (like the scale today at the midwife's office). But, yes, I'm walking very slowly.

Why marriage matters (middle school version)

2009-03-10T13:29:00.001-07:00

On Sunday our church's religious education program is focusing on gay marriage as a social justice issue for our church. All K-8 students will start together, reading and discussing And Tango Makes Three, and then splitting into age groups to discuss marriage further. K and I have been asked to talk to the middle schoolers about our relationship and why marriage matters to us. Hmm, in a way that middle schoolers can understand. So we started thinking about the basics and what marriage might mean to a 12 year old, and some specifics that a 12 year old might be able to grasp. Here's what I've come up with so far, though I think some of this material might be stretching it in terms of what they can grasp. Your thoughts?

1. Having a baby. It's not a given that K will be the legal parent of this child. We have to petition the court for this right, and they could deny it, and do for many couples, and in many states they don't allow it at all. Then K would not be able to take this baby to the doctor, to take the child to the hospital if there is an emergency, to pick up the child from school without my permission, to decide which school the child goes to. Also, if I were to die, our children would be legally given to my parents and taken away from K as she would not be considered their legal parent. We are currently in the process of creating our petition to the court and we have to gather letters from our friends and family saying K is a good person and will be a good parent, letters from our doctors saying we are healthy, financial statements saying that we can afford to raise this baby, and lots of other documents. Hopefully the petition will be approved before the baby is three months old and K will be the legal parent of this child.

2. Going to the hospital. If one of us gets hit by a car and has to go to the hospital in an emergency, it is not guaranteed that the other will be able to visit. In a time when you want your family the most, your life partner may be denied access to visit you. Hospitals only allow immediate family in emergency situations, and immediate family is defined as parents, siblings, spouses, and children. Since we are not married, we are not spouses and so we are not defined as immediate family. We have legal paperwork that says that in MD/DC/VA we can be considered immediate family, but outside of MD/DC/VA, these papers do not hold. So if we go on vacation just a few hours away to WV or PA, and get into a car accident, we won't be able to see each other in the hospital.

3. Death. For married couples, if one person dies, the other person automatically assumes ownership of the others property. Since we are not married, this is not automatic. We can create wills that say that the partner inherits all property after death. However, because we are not married, we will have to pay taxes on the property we inherit. So, say we own a house together that costs $400,000. We own the house together and have both paid equally for the house. If one of us dies, that person's half of the house ($200,000) will be inherited by the other. The person still living will have to pay 10% inheritance taxes on the worth of that house, which is $20,000. So, because one partner died, the other partner will have to pay $20,000 for a house they already own. This will be very hard financially because that is a lot of money.

4. Social Security. When a person dies, the government pays social security benefits monthly to the spouse for the rest of their life to help cover the cost of the lost income from the person dying. This is a monthly paycheck to replace the paycheck of the person who died. The idea is that a family's expenses don't go down just because some one died - you still have to pay for your house, groceries for yourself and your children, college for your children, and all of the other expenses of life, but not only on one income. So the government helps with social security. However, since we are not married, this doesn't cover us. So if one of us dies, we will not receive this government help, and will have to cover all of our bills with just one income, which may be very hard.

5. Health Insurance. Many people receive health insurance through their work. Some people don't get insurance through work (like real estate agents), or they don't work (like if a mom or dad stays home to take care of children). Those people typically get insurance through their spouse's work. If you are unmarried, you cannot get insurance through your partner's work. Without health insurance, you have to pay full price for any medical procedure. Say you break your arm or get into a car accident - this will cost thousands of dollars, but with insurance it may cost nothing at all or less than $100. Think about something worse, like cancer, which may be a very long and expensive treatment. Without insurance, this would be impossible to pay for.

6. Family medical leave. By federal law, a person is allowed to take three months off of work to care for a family member who is ill. Family members are defined as spouses, parents, and children. Since we are not spouses, this federal law doesn't apply to us. Therefore, say one of us gets hit by a car. The other would not have the right to take time off of work to take care of the other. If we chose to do so, we may get fired from our jobs. Without our jobs, we may be not able to pay for our home, our car, our groceries. Luckily for us, MD has created a state law that extends this federal law, but people in other states are not as lucky.

7. Maternity/Paternity leave. Many companies offer their employees time off to care for their child when it is born. Typically maternity leave is offered for women who give birth and paternity leave is offered for the fathers. For unmarried couples like us, paternity leave does not apply. Therefore, K would not be able to take time off to care for her new born child because we are not married, and I would be stuck at home by myself going crazy. Luckily for us, her company is allowing this but many do not.

Child birth class

2009-03-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

We did our childbirth class this weekend. 2 sessions, the shortened version instead of the 8 week session normally offered. I think the 2 shortened sessions are enough for us. We practiced some positions to get through contractions and a couple of pushing positions. We listened to the sound of someone giving birth so that we would be prepared and not shocked by the sound. We got some very useful tips and advice. A good class.

I am in the process of reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin and K is going to read The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin, both recommended by our instructor. And then we will give birth, hopefully sometime after we finish these books.

After the last class, K was excited and wanted to shop (one of her favorite activities). Since we have a baby shower next weekend, we didn't want to buy much. So we went the the big thrift store and checked out the baby stuff. We got a few useful things (children's hangers, outlet covers, birth announcements, some baby books) and one really cool thing - a KISS t-shirt for 0-6 months. We aren't KISS fans but in college we were KISS for Halloween with two other friends, so this was a pretty awesome find.

March is a pretty packed month for baby stuff. Next weekend we have our Infant CPR course, our baby shower, and our pregnancy support group. Also this month - a breastfeeding course, a baby care course, and two midwife appointments. Lots to squeeze in before we run out of time.

Final letter

2009-03-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

We've received our last reference letter - this one from my sister. We've also gotten letters from our doctors saying we are healthy. Now we just need to collect all of the other documentation (tax info, family pictures, W2s, etc) and we are set for our second parent adoption.

To whom it may concern:

This letter is in regards to the adoption of the child J K will soon be giving birth to by her life partner and wife K K. I met K in 1998 while attending Stetson University where she and my sister J became close friends. K and my sister developed a loving relationship and later decided to become engaged. They formalized their commitment to each other through a religious ceremony in February of 2005.

K has since become a part of our family. K has been a wonderful aunt to my own two children and will certainly be a caring and loving mother to her own. My sister and K have always sought out ways to make my children feel special and loved even though they live in a different state. They also make a point to put family first in their lives.

Even in the early stages of their relationship J and K dreamed of becoming a family and having children. This child has been planned for and prepared for over the course of several years. Many of their decisions, such as where to live and which home to buy, have been based on the dream of someday having children.

I fully support the adoption of baby K by K K. Please make this dream a reality and grant K’s petition for second parent adoption so that she will have the legal status to support her as she becomes a parent.

Sincerely,
J A K

A very nice character reference

2009-03-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

Our friends J & S are writing a character reference for our second parent adoption. They sent this really nice letter. They are also throwing us a baby shower next weekend. They are good to us.

Dear Sir or Madam:

We are writing to express our strong support for K S K in her application for second parent adoption of the baby that her partner, J K, will give birth to this May.

We have attended church with K and J since 2004, first becoming aware of them during the service in which they gave a touching and joyful announcement to the congregation of their plan to hold a religious marriage ceremony. We became friends during the course of many church functions, and since the moment we moved into their neighborhood in early 2007, K and J have assumed a truly prominent and valued role in the life of our family. We see each other frequently and communicate at least several times per week, and we count ourselves lucky to have such good, close friends to rely on and to share our lives.

As we have gotten to know them, K and J have shared the story of their relationship with us. Best friends since age 18, they became a couple late in college and, in the same year, announced their intention of spending their lives together. In 2001 they went through the legal processes to assume the status and protections of marriage to the extent available to a same-sex couple, and in 2005, then both in their mid-twenties, they elected to hold a religious ceremony to celebrate their marriage. They adopted the same last name, and soon after bought a home together. Since then, we’ve watched them plan financially and organize their lives with great intention and anticipation around the goal of raising a baby together. The day that J called and shared the news of her pregnancy was one of the highlights of our year 2008.

During the course of our friendship, and particularly as they prepare for the new addition to their family, we have come to understand with certainty that J and K will be outstanding parents. We have two children, B, who is eight years old, and E, who is six. Although it is not a given that a childless couple will seek out a great deal of interaction with their friends’ children, K and J have taken an active, loving interest in B and E and have been integral parts of their lives over the past few years. J and K have been as good to our children as they have been to us, celebrating holidays and birthdays, inviting them to movies, sleepovers, and other activities. Our children love and respond to both of them as extended family. When asked who they’d like to have watch them when we are away, the answer we get from our children is inevitably, “K and J!”

While the care they have taken to nurture their relationship with our children is a strong indicator of the engaged and caring parents they will both be, we also have indications of the quality and style of parenting J and K will provide their child. Through numerous conversations on the topic, we have come to understand the deliberate thoughtfulness with which they approach parenthood, and they have on several occasions given us excellent suggestions in how to deal with issues we have faced with our children. They observe the parenting styles of everyone around them, and they have articulated well-formed opinions about the manner in which parents’ expectations of their children, their values, and their behavior should be defined and encouraged. Because their observations and conclusions align very closely with our own, we naturally believe that their parenting will be outstanding! More important to note, however, is the characteristic intentionality and thoughtfulness of their approach. The careful deliberation and thought that they have invested in every major decision of their relationship, from legal and financial decisions to the decision to have a child, will carry over to support their success as parents.

We could not be more enthusiastic about recommending both K and J as parents. They are a committed, loving couple who have a tremendous amount to offer their child. Please grant K’s petition for second parent adoption so that she will have the legal status to support her as she becomes a parent to this very lucky child.

Sincerely,
M J K and S A W

Contractions

2009-03-04T07:18:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I had my first Braxton Hicks contractions. I was in bed early in the morning, still sleeping but half awake. I felt a dull cramp in my uterus, and in my sleepy mind, forgetting that I was pregnant, I thought "Oh, I'm getting my period. I had better get up soon and put on a pad." Later when I remembered this, when I was fully awake, I thought it was pretty humorous because I haven't had my period since August. But after 20 years of period cramps, that was the first thing that popped into my sleepy head.

Birthing class

2009-03-03T11:36:00.000-08:00

We take our weekend intensive birthing class this weekend - two days instead of 8 weeks. We are doing Birthworks, which I think covers a series of techniques instead of just one method like others might. Many people told us to take this course, and we typically rely on others for advice, so we went with it.

Each of us had to complete a questionnaire. Here's my version.

Age: 30

If currently pregnant, due date: May 16, 2009

Was this a planned pregnancy? Yes

If you are employed, what do you do? Statistician

Do you intend to be employed after the baby is born? Yes

What is your marital/relationship status?
Domestic Partnership

How Long?
9 years

What are your hopes for this birth?
Uncomplicated, surrounded by people I can trust to help me make the right decisions, stay positive, don’t get lost in fear

What are your concerns or fears about this birth?
My midwife said I have a small pelvis – I hope this doesn’t cause any trouble. I hope that I can stay positive and not give into fear.

Any physical problems during this pregnancy?
Gallstones

Are you generally healthy or have you often had illnesses or injuries?
Generally healthy, though overweight

Do you plan to breastfeed? Yes

Did your mother or anyone in your family breastfeed? Mother no, but my sister did for both of her children.

At this point, who is your midwife and/or doctor, and where do you plan to give birth?
Midwifery Care Associates giving birth at Shady Grove

Do you exercise? If yes, please describe.
Some. A pregnancy fitness DVD and a pregnancy yoga DVD, though neither often enough.

How do you feel about your eating habits and nutritional status?
Fairly healthy. Recently switched to a very low fat diet to account for gallstones.

What reading have you done about pregnancy and birth?
What to Expect, Vegetarian Pregnancy, Great Expectations, Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth (in progress)

Have you taken or heard about any other childbirth preparation courses? What was your reaction?
Not taken any others, but heard about them. I’ve heard Lamaze and Hypnotherapy are too specific – work great for some people, but if they don’t work for you, you have nothing to fall back on. Bradley seems unwelcoming of same-sex couples or maybe just unaware (husband-coached) and I’ve heard they produce very large babies.

Why did you choose Birth Works?
Lots of people recommended.

What do you want from this course?
Tips for getting us through childbirth – ways to cope with pain, positions to use during labor and good birthing positions.

How has this pregnancy or previous children affected your relationship with your partner?
She takes care of me now. Before we took care of each other, but now she takes care of me. She’s very supportive but I am aware of the shift in dynamics and try not to take advantage.

Home improvement day

2009-03-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

On Saturday some handy friends came over to for 'Home Improvement Day'. We had a long list of projects to complete to 'make room for baby' and those wonderful people helped us to get them all done. We've got great friends. We installed shelves in our bedroom, installed a jewelry amoire over the bedroom door, built a bookshelf in the kitchen, put together our crib, put together the glider, hung shelves in the nursery, and rearranged the furniture in the nursery. And while they were there, they did some additional things unrelated to baby but very nice - installed a magazine rack in the bathroom, installed a chain lock on the front door, installed a light in the closet. It's an amazing amount of work these people did for us! It certainly would have taken us months to finish what we completed in a day.

Since then we have been rearranging things to the new shelves, moving things out of the nursery closet and into other parts of our home. Yesterday K reworked the linen closet, which now closes! Last night we pulled everything out of the nursery, repacked things into containers, put things in drawers and on shelves, and it's amazing. A room that couldn't be walked in because of all of this random baby crap we've accumulated now has empty closet shelves and drawers.

We still have a list of small home improvement projects to do. We are still decorating the nursery. And we want to do spring cleaning before the baby is born since who knows the next time any cleaning will be done. But we've made major progress thanks to our friends.

Midwife appointment

2009-02-24T11:24:00.001-08:00

Today was our 28 week midwife appointment. After this we start going every two weeks. Wow - we're really going to have this baby soon! I passed my glucose test, got my FMLA forms completed, got a letter that states that I'm pregnant for K to give to her work, got a lab request for my Rhogham shot. My weight is good (10 pounds so far), my measurement is good (29 cm at 28 weeks), the heartbeat is good (150). All is well in the baby world.

Nursing clothes

2009-02-23T12:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday while we were out and about shopping for shelving, we stopped into Walmart. We never go to Walmart for various reasons (there's a whole documentary about reasons not to shop at Walmart, plus it's 45 minutes away). But we got a hideous diaper bag as a present that we were sure came from Walmart, so we wanted to return it for something more useful - nursing bras.

My breasts keep getting bigger. Before getting pregnant I was a 36B. In the first trimester I bought three bras in 38C. A month or so ago these became too small. I've been wearing them but they look ridiculous and I wouldn't exactly call them supportive. So I decided to buy more bras - this time in 40D - but I thought I should buy nursing bras so that at least I would have some when needed and it wouldn't be a complete waste to buy new bras.

Well, I was lucky to find that Walmart had a big selection, and I'm now the proud owner of 4 nursing bras in size 40D! They are massive, but they really support my breasts. I'm wearing one right now. I just can't believe that my breasts are that size - the bra looks so big hanging on the back of the bathroom door!

But at Walmart we found something even more exciting - a nursing night gown. It's essentially a night gown with holes for the breasts, pleated so that the holes are mostly covered most of the time. It's a smart idea. Everyone in my family said I should get one - they said they lived in theirs for the first month after birth. I came back from FL looking for one.

I couldn't find the gowns at all at Target, but there they were next to the nursing bras at Walmart. It makes since because my family loves Walmart. Seriously, they LOVE it. It's hard to have a conversation with anyone in my family without them mentioning Walmart, and how Walmart has everything and how they love to just go up and down the aisles and get lost in the stores. If you ask my mom where she got something, she'll just smile and say "Walmart! Isn't it great? They have everything!"

So I guess it's true that Walmart's great and Walmart has everything. I should tell my mom... We still won't be shopping there because of that whole documentary thing and the long drive, but I'm glad we stopped in yesterday.

I wore my nightgown last night to watch TV because it fits. I have few that fit now. So now I'm wearing nursing bras and nursing night gowns and I'm ready to nurse! But that's still a few months away.

Eating on my new diet

2009-02-23T06:51:00.000-08:00

My new low fat diet gallstone diet places a lot of restrictions on our typical lifestyle - we like to eat out a lot. Not all of our favorite restaurants are high fat, but you do have to think about it. We've also imposed a 'no tomato' diet since all of my gallstone attacks seem to occur after I've eaten tomatoes (though I've eaten tomatoes a lot without getting sick as well - we're just being cautious because we don't like hospitals). So that rule restricts us even more on our choices. But this weekend I managed to eat out three times without cramping our style, eating food that I love and would normally eat anyway. Not bad.

Saturday I spent the day with A & C while K stayed home getting our carpets were getting cleaned (We thought it was good for me to avoid the chemicals if possible, even though the chemicals are supposed to be safe). We went out for Ethiopian and shared the veggie combo, which is basically vegetables and sauce over bread. Nice and tasty and probably low in fat.

Saturday evening K and I went to AC Moore for some decorations for our baby room and some iron on transfers to jazz up baby clothes and while we were out we went to California Tortilla, where I enjoyed the tasty Mexican Garden Salad, my favorite meal there. Very large, very filling, and all vegetables and black beans.

Sunday we spent the day shopping at Home Depot, Lowe's, and Ikea, buying shelving for our kitchen, bedroom, and nursery, and buying paint for the crib, and spending a lot of money. While out we stopped at Olive Garden for lunch, where I enjoyed the soup, salad, and bread stick combo. All vegetables, beans, and bread, all tasty, and all fairly healthy.

This diet doesn't seem to cramp our lifestyle at all. We did make a list of restaurants that are out for now - pizza, Chinese (typically very oily), probably Thai, burgers & fries, pupusas. Sad because these are some of our favorite foods. We just discovered half price burger night at a local tavern where we can get veggie burgers and tator tots for just $3 - a deal we will have to enjoy again in a few months. We have a lot of coupons for pizza at a local organic pizza chain that will expire by the end of this month - a shame for sure. Pupusas are always a delicious and cheap meal (we once had dinner for 2 for only $10!). Thai is one of our favorite go to foods, with our favorite restaurant just across the street - we'll have to walk by but not stop in for a few months. But we'll still be able to eat out and have fun.

At home the diet is easier. We typically eat healthy at home so it's not a major change. The no tomato rule is the hardest because I typically buy a jar of pasta sauce to keep around for any night we don't have something to eat - an easy and healthy meal. Our freezer is full of frozen ravioli and lasagna for easy meals. I need to rethink our easy meals. Last night for our anniversary celebration I made a big pan of low fat macaroni & cheese for us to eat all week. So this week is covered at least.

9 years

2009-02-23T06:13:00.000-08:00

9 years ago we were young and carefree, naive college students in love. Today we are responsible adults with a mortgage, full-time jobs, a dog, and a baby on the way. And we're still in love. Thanks for a great 9 years, babe! I can't wait to see what the next 9 will bring.

Always a surprise

2009-02-20T10:07:00.000-08:00

My sister has already volunteered to come up and stay with us for a week to care for me and the baby when I have surgery. She's always surprising me - in both good and bad ways!

Gallbladder update

2009-02-20T06:31:00.000-08:00

I just got back from my appointment with my surgeon. My gall bladder will need to be removed surgically but not until after the baby is born unless there is an emergency. Probably within a couple of months after birth. During maternity leave would be best since I'll already be off from work. For now I just need to eat a low fat diet (your gallbladder processes fat) and hope not to have any more attacks. Looking back, now that I know what I have, I think I've had 5 attacks since Christmas and only one has sent me to the hospital, so hopefully I will be okay. The good news is that since my gallbladder is getting removed, I won't have this issue for the next pregnancy.

My gall stones

2009-02-19T05:33:00.000-08:00

Tuesday evening I started to feel the pressure I feel in my abdomen right before I throw up while I was doing my pregnancy yoga DVD. So I rested and then went to bed around 9pm. As soon as I layed down, I jumped back up and ran to the bathroom to puke. Fun. Then I tried to go back to bed, but I was still in pain and still felt sick. Usually this subsides about 20-30 minutes after I get sick, but it wouldn't go away. So I layed there for a while, and then got up and went searching for a position that felt more comfortable - sitting on the chaise, sitting on the sofa, laying on the sofa, laying on the floor. I ended up laying on the floor on my right side for a few hours, in pain, but resting. Finally I yelled for K to wake up and she started reviewing the pregnancy books trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Then I threw up again.

By now it was 2am and I thought we should call the midwife. She said to eat and drink nothing for 2 hours (I had been trying crackers and ginger ale) and see if my stomach calms down. In the next two hours, I threw up 5 times. So we called her again, and she said 'Let's try 2 more hours and if you're still getting sick, you should go to the emergency room.' Okay, we'll try again. But about a half hour later I threw up again and K said 'Why are we waiting? Let's just go to the emergency room.' By now it was about 5am.

So we called the midwife and told her we were headed out. Our midwives only work with Shady Grove Hospital, which is 12 miles away, but Holy Cross Hospital is only a few miles away. We were all assuming I had a stomach flu at this point, so she said I could just go to my closest hospital, I didn't need to go to Shady Grove.

We were at Holy Cross in no time and they checked us into Labor and Delivery (which I guess is where pregnant women go even if they aren't there for something related to their pregnancy). After seeing Holy Cross, we are very happy to be delivering at Shady Grove. The rooms are small and dank, the nurses and doctors were rushed and didn't even introduce themselves. It was crowded and loud. And it's super Catholic - crosses in every room, a prayer over the intercom at 6am. Not somewhere I want to spend three days. But they did give me a blanket right out of the dryer which was super warm - I really liked that.

They hooked me up to an IV to rehydrate me and gave me some medicine to keep me from throwing up more, and then did a series of blood and urine tests. Then the doctor tells me there is something wrong with my liver - possibly chronic liver disease but he couldn't tell without further tests. That was scary and coming out of nowhere. He said that I needed to get a lot of tests done, but that they should be ordered by my midwife so that my insurance would pay for them. That meant we had to go to Shady Grove. By now it was around 10am.

Off we go to Shady Grove, hospital #2 in just one day. Shady Grove is so much nicer. Large rooms with bathrooms, lots of lights with big windows, friendly staff. Definitely the place I want to give birth.

The midwife met us there and we did more blood and urine tests and an ultrasound checking out my liver and other related organs. In the ultrasound they found multiple gall stones, which cause pain and upset stomachs. I asked if this was common for someone my age because I always thought it was something women in their fifties got. But she assured me that it's common for pregnant women because of all of the hormonal changes. So we made an appointment with a surgeon on Friday, and at that point I'll find out more. We went home around 2:30.

She also started me on a soft foods diet until Friday. At the hospital they gave me jello and juice and that went down okay, so we stopped at Whole Foods on the way home and got soup, jello, yogurt, juice. I yesterday I had jello, juice, yogurt, and soup, and so far so good. No puking yet. This morning I've had jello, yogurt, and juice and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I also got prescriptions for a medicine to take before each meal to coat my stomach and a medicine to take if I start getting sick, but I haven't picked either of these up yet.

I had a good night's sleep, so I'm back at work today. Since I seem to feel okay, I'm saving up my sick leave as much as I can. So now we wait until tomorrow to find out more. I was really hoping for a uncomplicated pregnancy!

Baby names

2009-02-17T13:39:00.000-08:00

At my family baby shower, I told everyone that if it's a boy, his middle name will be my grandfather's (Papa's) last name. My grandma (Granny) teared up a little when she heard this. My family seemed very happy about it. My cousin-in-law, who never met him, was at first confused at who I was talking about. I said "You never met him, but he was great. Everyone loved him." And she said "Oh, I know. I've heard all about him, and I've heard that you were his baby." That made me tear up a little. I hope we have at least one little boy so that we can do this.

The best dressed baby in the neighborhood

2009-02-17T07:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we picked up three bags of baby clothes from Freecycle. Lots of quality things, some brand new. The best things in the pile were a camouflage outfit (hat & shirt), a onesie that says 'I might barf', a very warm coat with matching shoes, and a Chinese outfit (shirt and pants). We also got a crib sheet, two bassinet sheets, and a mobile. Freecycle really is awesome.

Two baby showers

2009-02-17T06:15:00.000-08:00

We had a wonderful weekend with our families in FL. On Saturday was the baby shower with my family followed by my niece's 2nd birthday party. It was nice to see people we hadn't seen for over a year and laugh and have fun together as a family. We got to meet two babies for the first time.

We spent Sunday at the baby shower with Karen's family - an all day affair in true Indian fashion. It ended with K and her teenage cousins playing rock band late into the night. We also hadn't seen them in over a year. Both parties were really nice and it was great to see our families one more time before the baby is born.

Our favorite presents: two handmade cross-stitched blankets (from my mom and a family friend), two handmade knit blankets (from my aunt), an I Love NY onesie and a Barf Vader t-shirt (both from my cousin-in-law), a black & white 'I'm a Rock Star!' blanket (from my cousin-in-law), an Indian outfit (from K's mom), a handmade night gown (from K's mom), a 'What happens at Grandma's house stays at Grandma's house' onesie (from K's mom), the mobile that I had on my crib as a baby 30 year ago that still plays music (from my mom), and the puppy dog stuffed animal that I made in middle school and gave to my mom years ago. We also have a baby frame with a big mat that everyone signed that will hang in the baby room. We also got tons of other very useful stuff. Thankfully, my mom took some of it to be shipped, but we still were able to fit a lot of stuff on the airplane with us. K is an excellent packer - it's one of her talents.

I was again reminded that traveling while pregnant is hard. For one thing, if my belly were any bigger, I wouldn't be able to put the tray table down on the airplane! For three nights I couldn't sleep. Without my body pillow, my body just aches. And it's so hot in FL (80 degrees in February), I just layed in bed without anything on, sweating, all night long. You can't even open the windows because K's parents haven't bothered taking down their hurricane shutters yet (which also makes it really dark in the bedroom). Then, at the end of the second party, when K and her cousins were playing Rock Band, I got really sick. I threw up all of my party food and more. It was late and we needed to drive one hour home and I threw up twice in the car. It was my worst vomiting episode yet. I think I only stopped throwing up because there was nothing left. This is definitely our last trip. From now on, we stay at home, sleep in our bed, and eat healthy food and wait for this baby to be born. As of yesterday, we were three months from our due date.

Don't divorce us.

2009-02-13T12:52:00.000-08:00

This certainly tears me up.

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Character reference #1

2009-02-13T12:48:00.000-08:00

We need three character references for K's second parent adoption paperwork. She asked her mom. Her mom didn't know what to write, so K said if she sent K some notes with what she wanted to say, K would put it together into a letter. Here's what she sent.

My Darling, I am so proud of both of you. You are my daughter and I have known you all your life , that you and J have been together from school days and are committed to each other, you know each other for at least 10 years .You were planning to have a large family, and raise the children together. You are both wonderful people, committed and church going, you both are good volunteers for your community and will give this child the best in all the endeavors, church, school and the best home environment. I love you both and cant wait to see you....Love Mom.

My mommies rock!

2009-02-13T10:46:00.000-08:00

A family friend came to town this weekend from Chicago. Unfortunately, we are going out of town this weekend. She came over this morning for breakfast at our place, so we got to spend a little time with her. She brought baby shower presents from her and her mom. From her mom, we got a cute little onesie that says 'I'm the best', which is hilarious. From her, we got a very cool onesie that says 'My Mommies Rock!' It's our first pride related onesie and we love it! And it's not pastel and cutesy, which we also love. Sadly, after she left, I realized we forgot to take a picture of her with my belly.

Bug juice

2009-02-11T12:06:00.000-08:00

I had my glucose tolerance test this morning. I had to drink the orange drink and get my blood drawn. I've heard how horrible this orange drink was, but it wasn't the worst thing I'd ever drank. It actually tasted like that orange drink they used to serve at McDonald's when I was a kid in the 80's. It was at every school function in elementary school because McDonald's was always a sponsor. All of us kids hated the drink and we called it bug juice. I don't know why - it doesn't even make sense. I'm sure McDonald's doesn't make the drink anymore - it was gross. But drinking that as a kid prepared me to drink the glucose drink today. It was a familiar flavor. I was able to down it in the short amount of time required.

I noticed that when I feel a kick, my shirt moves. We haven't really seen the movement yet. We've been feeling it for a while, but not actually seeing it. Today I saw it. Hopefully K can see it tonight.

A woman at my work who always comments on my size, saying 'wow, you're really big' or 'you're growing fast' today asked 'How far along are you?' I replied 'about 6.5 months.' And she cocked her eyebrows and said 'So you're still growing more than that?' Um, yep, I'm going to get much bigger. Thanks for noticing! Let's keep your comment on my size down, huh?

Baby showers and nursery decorations

2009-02-09T07:18:00.001-08:00

We spent the day yesterday sorting through our nursery stuff. We picked a crib of the three we've been given, we picked a crib mattress, we found online installation instructions for putting together our crib and the infant swing. We decided to buy black paint for the crib we chose, and researched the safety of painting a crib. We recognized how lucky we are to have been given these things.

Then we started the fun stuff. We're decorating the nursery with stuff we've had since our childhood. We don't have a theme for our nursery. Our theme is essentially 'us'. But I think it will work because it's just things that are meaningful to us. For me, this means hand painted ceramics made by my mom and aunt and me, a carousel horse collection, two cross-stitched carousel horse hangings made by my mom and grandma, and a painting K made for me in college of the members They Might Be Giants playing instruments under a tree. For K it means a wall hanging that says 'Kindness goes a long way', a picture of her grandma, and lots and lots of Star Wars stuff. We also have our wedding picture and a pug pop art piece that was given to us by A & C. We spent the day sorting through things, framing things, getting rid of things, deciding what is a toy and what is a decoration, and deciding how we will lay out the room. We can't actually do anything yet because we don't have shelves to put things on, but we are excited.

We've made plans for a home improvement day with our friends C & D in a few weeks. D loves home improvement projects and has every tool ever invented, so we were very happy to take them up on their offer to help us get our home in order. The big plans we have for the day include installing shelves in our bedroom, in the kitchen, and in the nursery, hanging pictures in our bathrooms and living room, putting together our crib, putting together a storage bench for the living room, and maybe some more stuff. None of it is hard, but there's a long list, so it's nice to have help to get it all done in one day. I'm going to cook lots of tasty food while everyone else does the heavy lifting.

Our friends J & S and their kids B & E stopped by unexpectedly yesterday afternoon. K & I were unshowered and still wearing our PJ's, but we were still happy to see them. The four of them are throwing us a baby shower for our local friends in March. Because we are decorating our nursery with so much Star Wars stuff, and because K, J, & S all love Star Wars, they've decided the theme will be Star Wars. They were excited about the menu - Yoda Soda and Wookie Cookies and other Star Wars goodies. They seem very excited about the shower, which is fun. We're excited too.

Yesterday afternoon, we finally showered and dressed and went to be panelists for our church's high school youth group. They are doing the sessions for the Our Whole Lives (OWL) sex-ed curriculum, and this week they were talking about GLBT issues. So K & I served on the panel with other GLBT adults (a gay man and a trans-woman). We all told our coming out stories - how we realized we were GLBT, how we told people, how people reacted. I talked about how my family rejected me, the trans-woman talked about how she got fired from her job, the gay man talked about how his dad fully accepted him and became a pflag advocate, K talked about how great her mom has been but how she's lost her relationship with her dad. The youth just sat there staring at us. They had zero questions for us. Who knows what they thought of the panel. Hopefully they got something out of it.

This weekend we fly to Florida for our two family baby showers. The weather will be in the 70's, which is awesome. And it's orange and strawberry season in FL, my favorite season. We noticed that people started buying things off our registry (3 very small things, but it's something). My family is big on handmade stuff, so we're excited to see what we're getting as gifts. Handmade gifts are our favorite! All of the drama seems to be settled down, so we should have a fun time with family and friends that we don't see often. I'm even meeting one of K's aunts for the first time, driving all the way from Ft. Lauderdale to Palm Bay (2.5 hours) for the shower.

I can't believe we're doing baby showers already! The baby seems so close and yet so far away. We'll be in the third trimester in just 2 weeks!

Snoogling

2009-02-05T13:33:00.000-08:00

I was given a Snoogle a few months ago, and I put it up in the closet and didn't think about it. Lately I've been having trouble sleeping. One night I had leg cramps that woke me in the middle of the night repeatedly, but that was only one night. The midwife said eat more dairy, so I've been having a yogurt every day. Most nights I have aches in my hips and my legs go numb. Always a side sleeper my whole life, now I can't sleep on my side, which sucks because now I'm supposed to sleep on my side. Sleeping on my back, like I want to , deprives my baby of much needed oxygen or nourishment or something really important like that. So I toss and turn all night, with achy hips and numb legs. I wake up on my back and force myself to roll over. I mentioned this to the midwife yesterday and she said to use a body pillow to stop myself from rolling onto my back. So I pulled out the old Snoogle and tried it out. It was comfy and felt like I was snuggling with K all night. My legs didn't go numb and I did not lay on my back. My hips still ached and I tossed and turned all night. Every time I wanted to roll on my back while sleeping, I would be blocked from doing so and this would wake me up. When my hips got achy, I wanted to roll over, which was difficult while wrapped up in this thing and my sheets/blankets. I didn't sleep well last night but I think I'll keep using it because I want my baby to have oxygen and nourishment and other important goodies, even if I can't sleep. I wasn't sleeping well before, so I can't complain too much.

Thrifty

2009-02-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

We love to save money. We have decent jobs, we're definitely financially secure, but we'd like to be more financially secure. Childcare's not cheap, maternity leave hurts the bank account, and things will certainly be tight next year. Since the economy is bad, everyone is on the saving money band wagon and there are tons of magazine articles and news programs about how to stretch your dollar. We read these things hoping to learn something new, but we never do. Today while waiting for the midwife (for an hour), we read Fit Pregnancy magazine and read these common sense tips on how to raise your child affordably:

1. Use hand-me-downs. Kids just grow out of these things anyway.
2. Don't buy brand name $1000 cribs when the $200 crib will suit you just fine.
3. Buy multipurpose furniture - a dresser with changing table attachment, a crib that turns into a toddler bed - so that you don't have to buy new things too soon.
4. Don't register for clothes - these will be given to you anyway. Ask for the big things that actually would cost you lots of money and tell people that they can give you gift cards to put toward the item or have your family give you a joint present.

This is all so common sense. Tell me something useful, something I'm not already doing. I could even add a few - shop at thrift stores, join freecycle, join your local moms listserv (on ours people are always posting things they don't need anymore, but they want it to go to a good home), shop craigslist, breastfeed (it's free), use cloth, reusable baby wipes made from material bought at thrift stores or on mark down racks, use reusable diapers (these cost a lot so there is an upfront cost, but if you register for them, you might be able to get them as gifts, and some brands are one size fits all so you will save money in the long run), go to clothing swaps (there is one hosted in our neighborhood every year and one hosted in our church each year).

I wonder how much people get paid to write these easy, say nothing, throw away articles. We could totally write these articles ourselves. Maybe instead of looking for more ways to save money, we should start our own magazine or TV show and start bringing in more income.

Midwife appointment

2009-02-04T12:13:00.000-08:00

We had our midwife appointment today with a midwife we hadn't met yet. Our practice has three midwives, but somehow we've only seen one of them. Today we finally met a second one and we were not impressed. We had an 8am appointment and she was an hour late (as in she arrived to work an hour late!). They tried to talk us into rescheduling, but we wanted to get it over with. Last month I had a 2:30 appointment and waited 45 minutes. I hope this is not becoming a trend. She was professional and answered all of our questions, but because she was so behind, she was really rushing through everything.

Then I asked her for two things - to fill out the FMLA form for my work that is required by law and to write a basic letter on letterhead for our second parent adoption stating that I am healthy . For each of these, she sighed, rolled her eyes, and said "I can't do this now, I'm running late." Actually, I assumed you couldn't do this now, which is why I'm giving it to you so early. Please just do it by the next appointment. I'm confident both of these will be forgotten or lost by our next appointment.

Then we asked for medical records from other doctors that we gave two months ago. The copy machine was broken when we gave them, they asked to keep them until our next appointment. Well, they seem to have lost them since then, as their policy is to review records and then destroy them. Well, it would have been nice for someone to tell me that when they asked to keep them! I let them know I was very annoyed at this whole thing. They are doing one more check to see if they can be located, but since their policy is to destroy them, this is unlikely.

Generally I get that they are disorganized. I think this is part of the 'charm' of a midwife practice - more earthy, more homey, less professional, less organized. I don't have high expectations, but I expect some level of professionalism. Don't lose my records, don't get annoyed when I ask you to fill out the same form any women in the US needs completed by law in order to take any maternity leave, don't misplace my charts, have copy machines that work, have computers that work, show up on time, be polite, don't rush me just because you are late to work, etc. We're doing all of this so that the labor day can be nicer, and from what I hear about doctor assisted births, I think it will be. We just have to get through the next few months for that one day.

But besides that, the baby is doing great. We heard the heartbeat again (which is always my favorite part), my belly is measuring at 25 centimeters (which she said is right for 25 weeks), my weight gain is right on track (9 pounds so far), everything is looking good. Next week I need to go to the lab for the glucose tolerance test. Next midwife appointment in 3 weeks when we get to 28 weeks. Then every two weeks from there. Wow, that's a milestone - when you switch to bimonthly appointments. This baby is actually going to be born sometime soon!

We're next

2009-02-03T09:53:00.000-08:00

In our pregnancy support group, we've seen three births. We started when we we just 2 months pregnant and were always the babies of the group. But now we're next. We're the farthest along and there are three couples behind us, watching us to see how it goes. It's kind of weird to realize that we're next.

Finally ready

2009-02-02T11:50:00.001-08:00

Ever since getting pregnant, I've been avoiding all talk of labor. I've been working with a midwife, and said I want to do natural childbirth, and signed up for a childbirth course, but that's where it stopped. When I would think about labor, I would think, 'I'll worry about that later'. Labor made me nervous and I wanted to avoid it.

Well, something changed last week and I decided that I'm ready to learn about labor. Starting slowly of course. I started reading the labor & delivery section of the book Great Expectations. Next I'm going to get these two books from the library, both recommended on our childbirth class's website:

An easier childbirth : a mother's workbook for health and emotional well-being during pregnancy and delivery by Peterson, Gayle H.

Ina May's guide to childbirth by Gaskin, Ina May.

I'm not going to obsess over this because it still stresses me out. But I want to prepare myself. This will be hard, I can do it, but I need to be prepared.

Weekend roundup

2009-02-02T10:51:00.001-08:00

We spent all day Saturday picking up baby stuff from friends and we got quite a haul. It's so great to be able to reuse this stuff. Babies use them for such short amounts of time. We went to three houses and got 2 cribs with mattresses, a swing, a bassinet, a bouncy seat, towels, diaper bags, a potty, burp cloths, a first aid kit, wash cloths, snow boots, and more. When we got home, we saw an email from a friend offering us a car seat and snap n go stroller frame, both only used for one child for about 9 months. People are so generous.

We went to our pregnancy support group yesterday and met a new couple. The live 1.5 miles from us and we really liked them. We asked what they planned to do with their dog during labor and they suggested that we trade favors - they watch our dog and we watch theirs. We just met these people and they have already solved one of our biggest dilemmas! Hopefully this works out.

Last night we celebrated our annual Superbowl tradition by going to see a movie. It's awesome because the theatre is empty and quiet. We've been doing it for about 8 years, since grad school. This year we saw Milk, which is a great movie. And makes me think, what am I doing with my life? I was amazed that all of that was happening only 30 years ago, the year I was born. So much has changed in 30 years. I am thankful for Mr. Harvey Milk and the others who came before me.

My Big boobs

2009-01-26T13:50:00.001-08:00

My sister commented on my registry. Lots of good comments - more towels, pajamas with feet, sleeping gowns, lots of different sized blankets, etc. But the best comment was on the nursing tank tops I had registered for in size Large. She said that there is no way my breast would fit into a size large - better go with XL. She's probably right, so I made the change.

Before getting pregnant I was a 36B. Not long after getting pregnant I bought some bras in 38C. I am busting out of these - really busting out. So now I'm thinking of buying some nursing bras that are maybe 38D and wearing them starting now. I can't believe I've gone from B to D. I'm a short girl, so these D breast are quite a site.

Our weekend in Rochester, NY

2009-01-26T13:25:00.000-08:00

We just got back from visiting friends in Rochester, NY. It's cold up there! 10-15 degree highs with lots of wind. I wore my warmest coat, which barely fits, especially with lots of layers underneath it. Give me a week or two more and I won't be able to wear it.

On this trip, I learned first hand how hard traveling while pregnant can be. We flew in Friday evening. I took Zofran. I usually take Dramamine while traveling because I get really motion sick. So instead I took my Zofran, which I learned is not as good as Dramamine. We were on a small plane (Rochester is a small city) and there was wind and it was a very queasy landing (but I didn't get sick). We went straight to Wegman's for dinner (Rochester finest). I chose Chinese food and I guess I ate a lot. I tend to do that these days. I felt very full and hard afterwards, but mostly okay. Then to their house for dessert, where they had a beautiful 'congrats on the baby, good luck on the delivery' cake with pink and blue footprints and paw prints all over it. It was beautiful and tasty and a very nice surprise. I ate some (probably more than I should have) and then felt even more full and hard and uncomfortable. I was exhausted (and feeling sick from the 4 cats) and went to bed. They keep their home very cold (like 60 degrees) because the energy bills are so high, so when I got undressed, I started shiver uncontrollably. This set me off, with the queasiness finally catching up to me (and the Zofran wearing off), and I threw up the cake and Chinese food, and maybe everything else I had eaten in the past few days. It was violent and massive, and luckily most of it was in the toilet. I felt much better after throwing up and taking a shower. I went to bed while K cleaned up my mess and put all of my clothes in the wash. Welcome to Rochester!

The rest of the weekend went pretty smoothly. We ate a lot - I gained 4 pounds over the weekend. There were winter things I couldn't do because I'm pregnant (ice skating kept coming up), but we had fun anyway. K fell down the stairs and bruised her ass pretty badly, but was otherwise unhurt. I cried, which was embarrassing.

We celebrated Chinese New Year (our friend is Chinese/British) at a Chinese restaurant with a full vegetarian menu - very tasty. There were drums and dancing lions. It was really loud, so I'm sure that shocked the little one. Our baby will be born in the year of the Ox - we'll have to look up what that means.

On Sunday we had lunch at an Indian restaurant with a college friend who also lives in Rochester. Her mom knitted us a sleeper in vintage 70's colors. It's really nice and very sweet. It's also very big - a two year old might be able to fit into it!

The flight back was uneventful, no getting sick this time. I'm tired, but that's typical for traveling. Next trip - flying to Orlando in a few weeks to visit family and attend baby showers. Let's hope for more uneventful flying. At least this trip will be warm!

And kindness wins out...

2009-01-23T06:43:00.000-08:00

I sent this email to my sister yesterday:

Hi J, I haven't heard back from you in a week, which I guess means you are still mad. I don't know how to make you see that my intentions are not malice, or even drama. I hope all is okay with you. And I hope to here from you soon.

And received this very nice reply:

Everyone is invited. I looked at your registry and made a list of suggestions, but haven't had time to e-mail it. The shower will start at 10:30. I have bought the invitations, but haven't printed them yet. I am thinking about doing a valentine's day theme of love since it will be v day. Have you gotten your plane tickets yet?

My dad

2009-01-21T06:39:00.001-08:00

My dad called excitedly at around 12:30 yesterday asking "so are you there?" Sadly, I was at work. K took the day off because she has 'use it or lose it' vacation time to burn but I'm saving my vacation time for maternity leave. If I wasn't pregnant, I would totally have been downtown, part of the masses, witnessing history. I feel like saying you attended Obama's Inauguration is akin to saying you marched with MLK. If you can be a part of it, you shouldn't miss it because it won't ever happen again. But I missed it. My dad couldn't believe I had to work - he thought we should all be there if we can.

Then he switched topics and asked why we weren't finding out the sex of the baby. I said "because it's fun to keep it a surprise" and he said "but it makes it difficult for those of us that want to buy you things." I told him there are plenty of purple, green, yellow things out there, so feel free to buy away. I said that we wanted the 'It's a girl! It's a boy!' surprise experience. I said "It's fun, come on, it's fun." And, resigned, he said, 'yeah, I guess so.' Then he said "We didn't know when we had you - the technology wasn't there yet. So I guess it's the same thing." But I could tell he wasn't happy.

My big belly

2009-01-19T10:30:00.000-08:00

My belly is really starting to feel big. It's hard to find a comfortable way to sit these days without the belly pushing on my thighs. And bending over to pick something up means spreading my legs first so that there is room for my belly. Standing up from sitting on the ground always elicits a groan. And last night, after eating a big meal at California Pizza Kitchen, K had to tie my shoe for me because there was no way I could bend down to reach it with all of that food in my belly.